hmmmm....Sage, I think you're right, maybe just wait and see is the best approach since he has been feeling kind of smothered...I think he'd be ok with that kind of discussion other times, because he's initiated some similar ones...but now it probably not the best time...I think I'll just ...."wait and see". Thank you for jumping in...I swear I think a "higher power" guided me to this, I just happened to click back on before signing off....never with a higher power!
I was just reading through work emails from H....I was struck by how warm and friendly but kind of "testing" they are....not hot like I'm sure he sends to OW, but the kind that come from a shared lifetime. I don't know if it makes me happy or sad, touched I guess...but I think I should understand from them that he certainly hasn't checked out of our M/R....it was on 3/16 that he asked me to take S to religous ed classes for rest of year...I hope the "not seeing each other" is holding but have no way to know....guess that a "listen with my eyes" situation......
Quote: . I told him afterwards I was confused because he hadnt wanted hugs and smooches and he said "the two aren't related" . I still don't understand, I don't think I ever will. It didnt seem the time to pursue it much so I didn't, but can any of you guys shed any light on this?
Guys appear to be able to separate sex and close feelings more than women can. Like...my ex-b and I still have ML, and actually there are a lot of different kinds of affection, but no real kissing unless ML. There is something that isn't there emotionally for him to do that. He does touch me a lot, but not as much hugging/kissing and such.
Enjoy what your H DOES do, but don't bring up talks, and don't ask him why he wants to do one thing and not the other. The best thing was him mentioning working in a different field.
I am guessing he is having a hard time between you and OW, and he can't get as close to you emotionally now. Don't push it. Be sexy, be friendly, be there for him - but don't ask him why he isn't doing anything, etc. It puts him on the spot.
Good going on everything else, though. I know how hard it must be to deal with the OW while being with him.
Hey Deb - I love the extract you copied over on "I can not live my life auditioning for someone's love." from an older thread, I'm still stuck in this mode So much inspiration from each other. I'm constantly amazed at the similarities in our sitches. My H continues phone and email contact with OW, I'm trying very hard to not get sucked into this drama. I think you are doing so well, Deb. Reading your posts from a couple of months ago, you sound so much more confident, centred and less 'excited' shall we say Have a great weekend. Love, Slowly
Quote: Reading your posts from a couple of months ago, you sound so much more confident, centred and less 'excited' shall we say
Thanks, Slowly, I'm LMAO at the "excite" comment...my first thread was called "frantic first time poster", and even that was an understatement, and this was almost 2 mos. after the bomb!!!!!! Most days I feel like I'm making some progress, so hopefully that's accurate. at least I can say I'm not usually as frantic any more, and sometimes I think about other things!
thought I'd just post a little to update....H is such a confusing person....He's been pulling back, feeling smothered, so I carefully and purposefullylly took about 2 giant steps back for the last week or so, toned things down a little emotionally, and now guess what?.....he's all smoochy and huggy again....in the space of about 36 hours...go figure. yesterday I got home from work about noon, and just said "hi", some small talk, started fixing lunch....about 1:30 went up to change clothes, H was sorting laundry, and said "what, you're just going to change"...so of course I was up to the challenge....anyway, it turns out he wasnt as up to the challenge, so he did great things just for me , and it was really great...weird though because I don't recall he's ever done this before...Kind of worried me, then I remembered Michele's reference to "true giving" and decided to view it as such. I was so blown away, I decided to take a nap for about an hour...H had gotten up. Then he came back in the room and turned off the phone ringer, saying he'd turned it on expecting to hear from D the other eve, and didn't want a telemarketer to disturb my nap. Of course I'm betting my money that he was going to call OW to call him back and didn't want me hearing & answering the phone. I thought that at the time, but just told him thanks, and dismissed it, If he's gonna talk to her he is, and I was too contented to give up my good nap worrying about it. I guess that's progress for me to be able to look at it that way.
This morning H was working on a job app. to go with his resume, and we were discussing what should be included in a cover letter, and H said "I'm not interested in moving" I took that as a big ...I can't believe he would say such a thing if he was going to leave & go w/OW. In fact, for this job it would up his chances probably if he was living w/OW because she lives within that agency's service area and we don't. I'm hoping this is another instance of "listening between the lines" being accurate. It has been in the past however. Then there were some romantic hugs and kisses this Am, the kind that make my knees week. I don't know for sure who initiated, but H sure responded in kind, and of course I did....as he was leaving to go to work (as always, I hope!) we exchanged one, and I sighed and said "I don't know, this makes you so hard to resist I'm not sure I can do it the rest of the weekend" and he said "we'll have to find some more "special time", and I asked (probably shouldnt have) "you want to?" and he said "sure"....seems like a turn around. I swear the guy is so hard to predict....I'm sure I hear the twilight zone theme song playing in the background. AND, my life gets more challenging. I'm at the office doing some catch-up stuff and found an e-mail that I have to do a presentation at the stomach turning staff meeting on Tuesday. Here I've been feeling so proud of myself to even handle being in the same room w/H & OW at those meetings, now I gotta present. O well, at least it's a really short one. I sure need every one's prayers, though.
so you've learned how to read him - that it's not always about the OW, but his reaction to you. Go with it. Give him a little space when he needs it, and then relish in it when he comes running.
Happy youve realized this.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
You're right Bill, sometimes I'm afraid I overanalyse things but I think now that if I had learned to tune in better to the important stuff years ago, we would have avoided some if not all this stuff we're dealing with now.
i'm still thinking about your comments Bill. I think I didn't give him the right kind of space at the right times before, that maybe when I thought I was giving him space, I was perceived as being not interested or non-supportive. H needs to feel lots of admiration and support and still feel like he's "his own boss" so to speak....I'm just now learning to walk that path, I think. It's still confusing!
being able to pick up on subtle clues is an art form, and you should be commended for putting in the effort. One thing to remember - we are not mind readers. Our WAS's need to understand this when we dont get it.
Good for you. I'm walking the path too, but unfortunatly it's twilight out here, so there's a lot of pot holes and stones to trip over.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Have a great weekend. Love, Slowly 
, and it was really great...weird though because I don't recall he's ever done this before...Kind of worried me, then I remembered Michele's reference to "true giving" and decided to view it as such. I was so blown away, I decided to take a nap for about an hour...H had gotten up. Then he came back in the room and turned off the phone ringer, saying he'd turned it on expecting to hear from D the other eve, and didn't want a telemarketer to disturb my nap. Of course I'm betting my money that he was going to call OW to call him back 
and didn't want me hearing & answering the phone. I thought that at the time, but just told him thanks, and dismissed it, If he's gonna talk to her he is, and I was too contented to give up my good nap worrying about it. I guess that's progress for me to be able to look at it that way.
...I can't believe he would say such a thing if he was going to leave & go w/OW. In fact, for this job it would up his chances probably if he was living w/OW because she lives within that agency's service area and we don't. I'm hoping this is another instance of "listening between the lines" being accurate. It has been in the past however.