Hi Deb - I'm still amazed at the similarities in out sitches
Quote: Of course I'm betting my money that he was going to call OW to call him back and didn't want me hearing & answering the phone. I thought that at the time, but just told him thanks, and dismissed it, If he's gonna talk to her he is, and I was too contented to give up my good nap worrying about it. I guess that's progress for me to be able to look at it that way.
MAJOR progress, my friend. I want your detachment
Quote: Here I've been feeling so proud of myself to even handle being in the same room w/H & OW at those meetings, now I gotta present.
This will be tough, but you are on a PMA high, remember to show OW that she means nothing in the long term picture of you and H. GO YOU!!
Hey guys, thanks, just got back in the office late today to chave a minute to post....Life is always interesting! I gotta get ready tonight for my blessedly short presentation at tomorrows staff meeting....any and all prayers are most welcome! yesterday we were so busy, H mowed, which takes about 5 hours, bleh, and I went shopping ....H made a comment about me being gone so long, so I guess he noticed, I think a little is good but have to be careful not to over do since that was a problem before. H made a comment that he's gotten home from work before me the last 2 saturdays. H was so tired at night, I just patted his arm, gave a quick hug and told him sweet dreams. This AM we were slow getting around to do chores, so no good morning hugs, I just patted him on the back and told him I was missing my hugs this morning as I went by. Later he came into the bedroom from the shower in a towel as I was putting on undies, and wanted to know if he was going to "get a semi-naked hug"...of course I couldnt resist that....told him I was disappointed we hadnt found more "special time" this weekend, and he said "maybe tonight" and actually seemed excited. H sent me an email later this morning saying he is really tired, so we'll have to see, but he seemed interested this morning! I have my hopes up! I guess letting him chase me until I catch him is a good game plan.... yuck, I dread staff meeting tomorrow. and annual dinner the next day....
interesting thought hit me as I left the house this AM though, maybe it was from the "naked hug" or just a good weekend, but I remember thinking to myself that "I feel good enough right now that I don't give a hoot about OW"....of course that could crash any time, but to even have fleeting moments of such thoughts seems positive.
The atomic MIL is at her best, and I need help thinking what to do....IL's 50th ann. celebration is Saturday... they are renewing their vows. She called Sat. night and told me she had it worked out for us to do the same thing with them....I said I don't know, have you talked to H? You need to, It's ok w/me but you need to talk to H...gave the phone to him, I heard him say "that will work" ...While H was out walking Sunday am, I called MIL and asked if she told/asked H about it, she said "well sort of, I told him I wanted you guys to walk down the aisle with us and then the priest will tell us what to do"....so, no, she didn't say anything about her plot to H. At lunch, I thought I'd feel him out, and said "your mom said something about us walking down the aisle with them Saturday" and H said, yes, she mentioned it to me"....
When I told MIL again she needed to talk to H, she said, "well, you don't know anything about it and neither do I, it's just what Father tells us to do" and "it will do him good"...
Now I really feel between a rock and a hard place, what do I do? play dumb? or say something to H? I'm afraid he'll think I'm helping MIL set him up if I don't say anything...I dont' know what to do... H actually said he would dance w/me, which I love and he hates, so I've been looking foward to that....but what the heck do I do about the atomic MIL's plot? I know she mentioned us renewing vows w/them back in January to H, she told me she had, but I sure don't know what to do. Anythoughts would be so helpful!
well (IMHO) if you dont want to get caught pressuring, when you didnt, you either have to lay it on the line with H or with MIL. If you are uncomfortable doing it, how about you dial the phone, say to MIL "Here's H - he says he doesnt know anything about you 2 and the vows for sat" and hand him the phone.
Disconnect yourself from the sitch.
Let the 2 of them work it out, but make it clear it is the 2 of them working it out, not you.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Hey Deb - I'm with Bill, detach yourself from the MIL/vows sitch
You are doing well with the mystery, get a life, let him chase routine though. Just remember the tough lady, Patience.
Quote: interesting thought hit me as I left the house this AM though, maybe it was from the "naked hug" or just a good weekend, but I remember thinking to myself that "I feel good enough right now that I don't give a hoot about OW"....of course that could crash any time, but to even have fleeting moments of such thoughts seems positive.
Sounds like you are tasting the heady intoxication of DETACHING These moments will come more frequently, and then you will be loving, but detached, from H's dramas. Bliss.
Saying a prayer for you at the staff meeting. Must be a week for these things, Mal just finished presenting to her team too. Big hugs, Slowly
thanks all for the encouragement and support. seems like a lot of stuff to deal with this week, and weird comments from H last night to figure out.
First of all, staff meeting went fine, I found myself not even nervous, just shut "them" out of my head and did my job. Unfortunately I did notice a smile on OW's face (I much prefer her to look down and tearful and upset) Oh well, when I get to the point where I can control her facial expressions, I'll really have it made, huh????LOL, it's just hard to tell where those control bits will rear their ugly heads.....
It was interesting though, as I was driving in to work, a twinge of anxiety (aka the crazy maker) knocked on my skull...and a voice in my head (now that's scary!) spoke up with "there's a calm place within you and you know it...put yourself there now"...and the crazymaker left and I was ok...I need to exercise that voice to develop it's muscle! ESpecially w/annual meeting tomorrow.
I believe you are right w/the MIL/vows deal. I will need to bring this up w/H ahead of time...It's tough this week because timing is so critical in approaching him, and we are so busy this week, I don't know when I will find a good time to do it.
I still haven't heard from the DR about the HPV test results, I guess I will call them again today.
I thought I'd post last nite's weird stuff separately so it wouldnt be such a long post. I'm sure interested in knowing what anyone thinks about this, and how I handled it/should have handled it.
Last night, H invited me to go for a walk, so I hurried and threw dinner in the oven and went out to help w/chores and we left to walk for an hour....got home to find that I forgot to turn the oven on....duh. So, that really threw our schedule off & I threw some burgers on the stove. I made a comment about it being a dumb-s--t move and that he must think I was one. I had gone over to hug him then and he said "I don't think you're a dumbs--t, I think you're incredibly bright and very manipulative and you know exactly what you're doing"???????now what the heck does that mean? I was blown away by it....I said something about "if I know exactly what I'm doing, why do I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark all the time?" I think he said something about "you know what you're doing"....I was so blown away, I just walked away and went into the kitchen and started doing stuff. WHAT would he have meant by this???? I don't know what H thought was manipulative....and what I'm doing that I know....????I'm clueless.
A little bit after I went into the kitchen, H came in, and we wound up hugging, and I said I felt kind of hurt earlier when he said I was being manipulative and didn't know what he was talking about"; H said "you're going back to your old ways...you didnt help with the chores much this weekend (H told me to stay in bed in the mornings & he'd do them???) and you said you'd be back soon and then when on a long shopping trip, and you went shopping (actually I was gone about 2 hours longer than I intended, and I did by a couple of jackets & tops for all the stuff going on this month...I've not done that since the bomb, I don't think). I apologized for getting home late, but H did seem kind of miffed at the time. I guess I would be wild if he was 2 hours late getting home, I hadn't thought of that... H called me OD for "Old Deb" ....It seemed like an incredibly cheeseless tunnel to go down, so I didnt say much, I think I may have apologized again, and told him I had no intention of being OD.....H went to lift weights, came back an hour later and sat at the table...I'd been cleaning the kitchen while he was gone and was still at it...he sat quietly at the table for a few minutes and then said "I guess I may as well go to bed....you're still piddling around and there won't be any time for anything.....I said "hey, in that case I'm done, because I've been wanting to play" and dropped what I was doing...went up to bed, H was horny to put it bluntly, actually came around the bed and grabbed me.....It was great and I told him how muched I liked it, and he said "oh, I think you'd like it with anybody anymore"??????
This AM when his darn alarm went off at 5:15 it woke me up, and I told him good morning and rubbed his shoulders and told him that I have a fantasy that someday instead of getting up (I know he goes & calls OW) he'll just roll over and hold me and stay there to snuggle...he actually said "I will".?????? The rest of the morning was really rushed getting around to get into staff meeting, but exchanged a few quick hugs & kisses & ILY's....havent seen him or heard from him this AM at work.
Does anybody have any clue what to make of any of this? I am totally clueless....and don't know how to respond. I do know I was right not to "over react" because there was a spark there that could have been easily fanned into a big flame.... I don't have a clue what he sees as manipulative...I've worked really hard to do what is within my power to take away his reasons for leaving, maybe he knows/sees that. Maybe/more likely OW knows/sees that and is pointing it out to him????? maybe it's working? What do you all think? How do I proceed?
There it is again, the Twilight Zone theme song............
I don't know how he could call anything manipulative. Even if you spent a couple of hours out, that isn't being manipulative.
What it sounds like to me - at times he's trying to talk himself out of your R. He's pointing to things that aren't necessarily a problem except in his mind. You can't fight against this stuff, IMHO. Even if you changed 100%, whatever is in his mind may just be made up - ya know?
I don't know what you should do. Sometimes he wants you close, sometimes he wants you to leave him alone. And those times tend to not coincide with his! He's putting everything on you buy saying Old Deb - when I bet you weren't doing anything bad to begin with.
Don't push him on anything, he needs to work all his issues out himself. And they are HIS issues, they are not yours. You may not be perfect, but whatever the problems are, they are in his mind (for the most part). If he wanted you to help with chores, he could have asked. Maybe telling you he'd do him just allowed him to find fault with you for NOT doing them. Crazy!
Don't drive yourself nuts placating him. Work on yourself, do what you think is right. After ex-b dropped the bomb, he kept saying what a wonderful person I was - that I was giving, etc. Then after OW became an issue, all of a sudden he was listing things I'd not done! It was like he was talking about a whole different person! I am guessing she had to do with part of that, and he needed to talk himself out of me. He is MUCH nicer now!
Your H is like an alien, and is still acting like one.
my 2 cents. Your H is unsure of his decisions, and is trying to blame his abivalence on you. Total alien speak. He's trying to sort it out in his head that the changes he's seeing cant be real, as that would me he was wrong. Just validate as best you can ("I didnt like where we were in the R before, so I've made a choice to not be that way") do NOT justify what you are doing, as it will be taken the wrong way - as an attack.
Back off a bit and let him sort it out in his head.
Dont crazymake - it's his issue to deal with. The more you TRY to fix it, the more you will make it worse.
You're going in the right direction. His confusion shows it.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
