Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Re: 2 sides to every story .. final chapter

Thank you for sharing your story and letting us learn from it. I am glad that you have a secure future for you and your children.

Update..
This month marks the end of 8 years and the begining of 9th since bomb..
The end of the school year, father' s day and ex-h's birthday. This time of the year is always cahotic..

Earlier this week, while at work on a night shift, Son got rushed to the hospital with major chest pain and difficulty breathing. Once there, his heart rate was very high and his blood pressure, very low. They gave him a shot and everything went back to normal.they kept him for 3 hours and released him.
He said his Energy drink was the cause.
To me, this sounds like a panic attack.

I am aware son and ex- h had a heart to heart talk about not spending time together, now and in the past.
Tonight, Son comes home and ended me his phone.. text echange beetwen him and ex-h from this afternoon.. ex-h is pratiquely kicking him out.. son will be in College this August.. why is he doing this to him now?
Ex-h' s reason? Because son bought himself a new car and he is giving the other one to his sister. Because he is too independant. Ex-h' s told son that if he wants to be an adult, he has to go and be one.. everything i read was so ignorant and superficial but once again, son felt hurt and rejected.

I asked son: since he is edgy with you, he must be fighting with OW? It must be a matter of time before she leaves again?
Answer: Yes... they have been fighting for awhile now..
Her son has moved out 3 years ago without any contact.. her daughter wants to move out this summer and move in with her grand- parents. Now Son is told to go...
What a happy life????..

What they show the outside world and what is the truth are 2 very different pictures. When i see these things, i am so glad i got out. I truely was in for life while thinking we were in a fase and things would get better as the kids got older but i was wrong.. ex- h has gotten worst. Full blown narcissist.
Sad. Very sad..

Oooofff... more drama in the picture perfect la-la land..

Son has a girlfriend who spent a couple of weeks with ex-h' s and OW. The level of stress and living on edge is totally unbeleivable.. Both son and girlfriend broke down this week- end. This morning, son lost it. He gave me his phone for me to read the texts exchange. Son, while crying said:" mom, i can' t deal with this anymore. I am always on edge, angry, pissed off, impatient... i am becoming him and I DON' T WANT TO!!!!

He was shaking like a leaf and his girlfriend' s eyes were teary as she tryed to show him support.

Ex- h is pushing him away and emotionally abusing him. It brought back MY MEMORIES OF PAST FEELING and i got very internally angry.
After attending to son with everyone present, ( son' s gf, 2 of my daughters, son-in-law and a friend of his ) daughter 21 had a good talk with son and i went outside for a cigarette.

I usually stay out of it but not today. Seeing son under so much pressure got me seriously concerned. I texted ex- h asking him to please leave son alone for the rest of the day and spend time with D16 who agreed to spend the week- end with him. A decision she regrets.

Anyway.. ex- h backed off..

Son' s girlfriend talk alot about all the crap that goes on at ex- h' s house.. OW daughter will be moving out in a couple of weeks.. son and girlfriend will be living with me until August.. ( their appartement will be available august 1st for College. ) ex- h and OW picked at eachother all week- end and still drink daily. 24-7..

Disfounctionnal yet normal to them..

Ex- h felt the need to come to the store and share his side of the feud with son.
Nothing changed... the version he gave me and the text messages son received do not match. Daughter 17 was working with me that day. As he walked in, to her surprise, she asked why he came. He answered: to say Hi! Is your mother here?"
She said:"yes, in the back"
He walked straight over.chatted with me for at least 20 min then walked right pass daughter 17 with a " bye, gotta go"
No hug, no i love you, nothing...

Daughter 14 got ortho put in not long ago. Ex- h, clueless on the procedure, went to the office and paid half of my balance owing $1750.00 from him, 1500.00 covered by insurance and $1250.00 by me as a deposit.leaving me with 500.00 left to pay. I texted a thank you but that is what his child support was for.he replied" no, support is for cost of living, not cosmetic. Also, you have covered the other 2 on your own, this is our last and i want to do this for her".
Good, really good and then, evil

Daughter 21, lives 4 hours away from here. She asked if i could go pick them up and celebrate Canada Day as family ( including her future mother-in-law who was alone(husband workung) with a broken car. I agreed. I worked a 6am to 3pm, left at 4 and got to her place at 9. They chatted until 12h30am. In the morning, we came back, picked up furure MIL and invited son and girlfriend over for supper. After supper, drove to Timmins to see Keith Urban, watched amazing fireworks and got back home at 2am. I had to place an order by 8am therefor, needed to go in by 7.
Ex-h was suppose to come and take the kids for lunch or supper. Instead, shout off his phone and answered daughter21 at 5pm.apologizing and saying it was a lazy day for them cause they went out and got drunk the night before. She answered" well, i' m leaving tomorrow morning so bye".

Now, me: i am having a nervous breakdown.
I am running on 4 to 5 hour sleep while working at 6am and chasing my kids in the middle of the night. Last night, i lost it and so did daughter 17. At 2am, we yeld at one another. I was so hurt and angry from her words. According to her, my job as a parent is to cook, clean and give them everything they need. No carefew, no rules as long as they be good. She booked a full week off from work and gives her ahift away unless she wants money. None of them help around the house with chores nor take care of their pets.. I told D17 that my job as a parent was to raise them to be responsable, independant and strong not to pick up after them and give them everything!!!

On my lunch today, i got both of them out of bed and demanded to gave their room cleaned before i got back home. I pointed out that :This was my duty as a parent. At 3pm, 80% of their rooms were clean.nothing else around the house was done. BUT both of them are home. They did not go hang out.

Managing the store on a full time schedule and managing 3 teens in a full sunmer schedule is taking it' s toll on me. Every summers are like this. I hate to do this to my boss again but i see no other options. I will crash if i don' t.
I will have to take the summer off once again. My son will be settleing in his apartement Aug.1st in Timmins.

My health.. well, chest pain and anxiety. Shaky and burnt out..

Tad story has convinced me to get checked which i will do by next monday.promess..

exquisite - I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time of it. Dealing with teens is tough at the best of times but as a single mom you have to be an extra-tough super-woman to manage it. My STBX also manages a small store that may be similar to yours and it's a pretty tough job that demands that you be "up" for the customers and have it together to get stuff done.

As a suggestion for your health and it's helpful for your Dr you may want to do what I did for quite a while (fallen out of the habit) and get a home blood-pressure machine and record your blood pressure morning and evening during what may pass as a quiet time for you. This will give them some good data to base decisions on. They'll probably do a full blood-workup on you including tests for cholesterol, diabetes etc. If they don't then ask for it. They'll probably nag you to quit smoking as well. I'll hold you to your promise to make an appointment by next Monday.....

From your place references you are also in Ontario. I was able to get some free IC help through my local family health team. Are similar resources available for you?

As far as parenting goes, I have little advice. When my kids were teens my W and I were a well functioning team and backed each other up on everything. I do remember though us having a financial crisis then and we sat and had a talk to the kids about it. It was amazing how they stepped up and were supportive. I know that they are treating you like staff. That's because they are thoughtless and don't know how things take time and effort. A phrase I used to use with them was that I needed them to be a "contributing member of the household". I know you are trying to be a super-woman but before you start wearing your underwear on the outside like mad-people or costumed superheros do, perhaps get them to bear some of the load. At their age they should be able to cook the occasional meal for the family, do their own laundry etc. When they do do something make sure to notice it and thank them. If they push back then warn them that if you are going to have to be a super-woman that you "will" start wearing your underwear outside your pants <smile>. On your side you may have to recognize that your standards may not apply in what they consider to be their own private spaces.

Is there also a way to limit your XH access to you? Him just wandering into the store unannounced speaks to a lack of respect for the fact that he fired you as his W. Can you set up a boundary where if he wants to see you or come into the store that he asks at least 24 hours in advance at least? I may be a bit biased here because I myself am terrified of running into my STBX and avoid her store like it's a plague zone. We may be "amicable" but there's still a lot of hurt and anger on my side and I suspect fear of a confrontation on her's. She's not been able to see how I've grown in the past year. Which is sad in some ways because I like supporting local businesses and it is a handy place to pick up beer.

Good luck and sending you warm thoughts and a hug.

Andrew has given you some really good advice, especially concerning your health. One more test to ask for...have them check your B-12 level and folic acid. They don't generally do these tests unless you ask for them.

I am so sorry about how things have been going for you. It's stressful enough w/working, dealing with teenagers and then having your xh popping into the store. Just remember...you still have control over what you do or say...if the teenagers aren't pulling their weight around the house, well...maybe it's time to cut some of those wonderful things you do for them until they start helping you more.

Please take care of yourself.

Sorry you are having a rough patch.

I just wanted to suggest trying to leave your kids a daily "to-do" list. I found talking/asking did not work. Clearly posted "to-do" lists did work. And the first few times I showed them how to do it so that they had a clear understanding of the expected result. (And I gave a consequence for uncompleted work). At first they may balk but who wouldn't!!

With 3 kids, they can take a lot off your plate between them: cleaning up dishes, each vaccuming a few rooms, cleaning their own bathroom, emptying the garbage, dusting, wiping down counters, etc.

And like Andrew, I do tell them that they do need to contribute + relationships are give and take for each side. They should not expect that they do not need to shoulder their fair share as that is not how life works.

Set the expectation and they will follow.

Exquisite - my S is only two so I don't have any experiencing with parenting teenagers so please take what I am about to suggest with that in mind.

I read somewhere a suggestion that I thought was neat so I tucked it into the back of my head. The suggestion was to change the WiFi password everyday. The teens/kids had to do their chores before they could get the password.

Might not work if they have their own phones so this might be a useless suggestion. But I thought I would share.

On the health note, you are working so hard to do everything you can. It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for all your caring words.. i needed your support and once again, many of you came through!!

I kept my promise. I have an appointment with my doctor this afternoon. I made the decision to Not leave my work but i will cut on my hours and add one monday off per month..

Son asked me if i could hire his gf for the rest of the summer. I am considering doing so. It might be a solution to the drama of ex-h.

The new fight subject: drugs..
Ex-h brought up the subject to me on friday but did not have time to discuss the whole situation. It is all assumptions.
I sent this text to him:

" Isaiah has a good head on his shoulder..
I have faith in him .
I beleive in him and i am proud of the young man he his.
He will do whatever it takes to Not end- up back home.. guide him without been an enabler.. that is my approach.
He is 19.. young and frugal yet responsable and go getter...
Do you remember that time of your life?
Leaving to be on your own? Exciting but not easy..
Were you the person you ask him to be or were you like him?
Talk to him but be realistic... not his whole life will be like this... ours was not.."

Yes, i beleive son do drugs from time to time. He parties sometimes but not on a regular basis. They also spend time with family. To me, their behaviour do not alarm me.. they are going upward not downward. They are maturing and i am not to concern.

Back to me: i am making notes of all your tests i should ask for.. i will address my anxiety and chest pains.
I will have a full physical and i have booked another appointment for my " feminine organs.. lol
I am going under the microscope from head to toe.

I will come back and reply to each of you soon...
Once again, THANK YOU!!!!!

Well done! I had made myself a note to check your thread today just in case you needed some nagging

Fingers crossed that it's just accumulated stress but as we've all learned, taking care of ourselves first is very important.