I just always wonder when this happens: H seems so sad. last night and even Easter evening....I have found historically it means that something is not going well w/OW.....I sure hope that's the case, I can't imagine what else it could be, things are pretty good at home and most of his biggest issues in the M/R have been/are being addressed. Of course, my crazymaking worry is taht he's sad because he's trying to figure out how to tell me he's decided to leave. I havent had any emails from him today.....I'm not emailing him so far....may have to though to get info for bank...guess that's more than legit. either yesterday evening or Sunday evening he was saying how we needed to get a new tv for the family room....I wouldnt think he'd be saying that if he's not going to be around to get any benefit from it. OW just needs to drop off the face of the earth. Today before work, H came through bedroom in his towel, and I just stopped and watched him...he said "what?" again, and I said "I was just thinking how good you look and how much I love you", and he said "well, that always leads to naughty thoughts" I told him "you're right, and it is" and he said, "well, maybe later tonight, I'm feeling more rested today".....?????? As I handed him his lunch, I just looked at him again, and he kissed me. I kept my eyes open just to see what would happen and his eyes were open! so we just kind of looked at each other...I swear I saw "warmth", and then he said "thanks" (I think he meant the kiss, could have been the lunch though)....sooooooooo confusing!!!!!!!So much caught up in his personal control and mlc issues!
Homework!!!! OK, Dazed, I've been working on it --reviewed detaching threads --short term personal goals: -do exercise tapes 5 days per week -give up attempting to manage the Limbo Bimbo (AKA Lighthouse Lolita and Paperwork!) -Plant some flowers this weekend!
Long term goals: still working, are these supposed to be R or personal goals? --Lose 10 more pounds (and then 10 more and then 10 more)
Kind of a quiet day, and night last night....H initiated goodbye kiss this Am before work, I like to think he enjoys them as much as I do; had a fun "quickie" last night, he seemed enthused, I like to think that's a positive. I found a card I had written to him months ago but never gave him in my planner, so I tossed it in his lunch, got an email from him that said "thanks for the card, it was nice" (I dont even remember what it said) so I like to think thats a good sign.
Yet I worry and am anxious -- last night he seemed more cheerful, and I worried that means things are good w/OW again; of course I worried when he seemed sad at Easter & Monday that he was sad over how to tell me he's leaving.
talks about the future: vacation, getting another TV, we just bought a vehicle together and are doing some loan consolidating together...I can't see why he would even consider this stuff if he was planning to leave, but still I worry. Does any one else think this does not sound like what somebody who's planning to leave would do?
I have a goal of going until the end of June with absolutely no mention of R or OW or anything....I hope I can make it and see what effect that might have.
I'm sure he still calls her...I found he'd opened the cell-phone bill and took out 4 pages of it....plus I wouldnt be surprised if he still writes,
I just hope and pray he's being honest that he isnt' "seeing" her anymore...it's so hard to stay "detached", but I guess I'm getting some better....I thought of checking to see where her car was at lunch today, and then thought what the hell difference does it make and didn't....
Maybe I'm anxious because this is religious ed class night for S, and I've been taking him at H's request (H & OW used to meet there).....I've been just dropping S at door instead of going in becasue I can't stand to see OW...poor S hates seeing her also, so maybe I need to suck it up and be brave and give moral support.....S says OW looks unhappy when he sees her there, though.
S commented last night how his dad "seems to love you", (undolicited comment), when I replied "He does?", S said "well yes, I've seen him kiss you and say I love you when you didnt even do anything"
So why do I feel so anxious still when it would seem there are so many indications things are going in the right direction? Plus, yesterday I felt much more confident...I didnt sleep very well last night for some reason, maybe that's it....
you'd think after all this time I would have learned to keep my mouth shut....especially when things seem to be going well....tonight I "kind of" blew it just before bringing S in to class....H got home from bad day at work, both of us had tough days, actually, maybe that adds to being wound up for me, and said he was almost out of gas and had to go back to get gas....low fuel light was on....of course my crazymaking mind thinks "oh my god, he's going to meet her"....so, any way, i tried to bite my tongue, but went to hug him good bye, and a big tear rolled down my cheek and "are you going to see some one?" popped out of my mouth....damn, I jinxed myself by mentioning my goal of not saying anything....He got kind of irritated, told me to step back inside the door if I wanted him to give me a hug, and said "no I'm not, I'll wait until you get home to go get gas if you want me to". I told him I didnt want him to do that, I was sorry I brought it up, had a rough day and it made me really anxious. He did give me a hug before I left, I guess I feel better that he said he would wait to go get gas, but I don't want him to do that. His face looked like he was telling the truth. I just have such a hard time after all the times he's lied to me. My new prayer: Lord help me keep my mouth shut!.
I guess it could have been worse though, I wsn't angry, didnt yell or scream or even say more than the sentence above. There was a day when I would have really lost it.
I just have such a need to know he's being truthful. I'm not sure how to get past that. more detaching to be done, I guess.
If anybody has any thoughts to share, I can sure use some input on what to do now/next. As I mentioned in earlier post, last night I let "are you going to see someone?" jump out of my mouth when H said he needed to go get gas, H got angry and irritated, although he did give me a nice good bye hug as I left to take S to class.
Saw OW in just a passing glance as I was going out of building, I thought she looked unhappy, maybe even like she'd been crying and wiped a tear away. S said he didnt see her because he turned his head because she makes him sick to look at.
H was standing in driveway as we pulled in, said he just got back from his walk, was going to get gas and did I want to ride along with him. I noticed his cell phone was in his pocket...he must talk w/OW a lot while he walks, which explains why he doesnt often want me to walk with him. that never dawned on me before.
So, I rode with him, we chatted. When we got home, he was kind of cool/distant; I said "you seem like you're angry at me" and he said, "I am, a little", I asked what about what I'd said made him angry and he said "the hawkeyeing and clinging"...I told him I was sorry, I wasnt doing very well right then.
when we went to bed, I tried to "entice" him and he wasnt interested...said he was "tired"...I told him that was ok, that he'd just turned me into a "naughty woman" ...he said he didn't think the naughtiness had anything to do with him, and he wondered if I hadn't been "secretly naughty" for years, and asked "have you?" I had no clue what he meant, and told him "I guess it depends on what you mean by secretly naughty"....don't remember the exact words, but it came out that he was talking about me having an affair!!!!!! I told him I never had, and he just said "huh, well you sure weren't naughty with me all those years".... So weird....I swear I've never so much as looked at another guy since I met him....I've tried to ask myself why he would think I had...I can see I was kind of cold and distant emotionally, and gone a lot, much like he's been during his A....So what do I do now? how do I handle this? I still havent gotten the results from the HPV testing back, so havent said a word, but that will be a bomb waiting to go off. At least I had sense enough to keep my mouth shut until I know what's going on there.
this morning, I apologized for losing it (as per DR) and he said "it's ok", kind of cooly.....
So what do I do now? I know why I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, it's because I am, just a few words in a simple question caused such a huge backlash (good example of chaos theory?)....... I'm thinking I should: -- let it go, I've said I was sorry 2x, and mentioning it more will just irritate and remind him more.... -- absolutely refrain (somehow) to ANY reference to OW what so ever....It really sets him off...."what works" is obviously not saying anything...we do much better and get much further when I act "as if" the situation doesnt exist. This is difficult because it really feels like "enabling"....as Dazed mentioned, or denial, but maybe in reality it's just a more advanced step of detaching....DR talks about the techniques going against the grain of everything you know/have learned...maybe that's why it feels so hard and uncomfortable to stay in "lala"land...and yet there is not much I can do to control what he does, all I can control is how I respond, and hopefully in a manner that will draw him away from OW and back to M...so from that standpoint, doing what works and "as if" the mess didnt exist would seem to be the way to go (thinking out loud here). I wonder why he has such an intense reaction to any reference?
One huge question in my mind that causes me trouble is "if he really is not seeing OW, why doesnt he make an effort to reassure me"? I dont know what to think there, other than in the "reconnection" post I copied, it says they will "test you as they never have before to see how you will respond to them and what they have done"....maybe that's it. I can't think there was any reason for him to tell me he wasnt seeing her if he still is...I did restate that I wouldnt live with it forever the night he told me that, though....but he's heard that before. I guess one indication that maybe he isn't seeing her is that he use to use mouth wash all the time....absolutely drove me nuts....I mean every 15 minutes before he's leave when I thought he was going to see her. and the after shave was strong enough to take your breath away from across the room...I don't notice that so much now....maybe thats a good sign...talk about grasping at straws!
How do I handle him asking/thinking I've had affairs? that really caught me off guard.....don't have a clue what to think/do, even aside from the STD issue......
What about the phone calls to the OW? I know I can't stop or control them, but is it progress if in fact he is not seeing her but he still makes all these phone calls? Do they ever give this up?
It's really scary to me because I'm so afraid just a few words that will slip out will drive him right back to her....maybe that's why things are so much better when i act as if the situation doesnt exist.
I got an email from H about 20 minutes ago....think I'll let him cool his heels a little bit, although I'm sure he has a legitimate question.
input, please, if any body has any thoughts.
Things seemed to be going so well. I guess I have to remember mndad's post about things getting worse as they are getting better, and 3 steps forward and 2 back....
It sure doesnt take much to bring on the 2 steps back in my sitch, though.
Quote: H was standing in driveway as we pulled in, said he just got back from his walk, was going to get gas and did I want to ride along with him. I noticed his cell phone was in his pocket...he must talk w/OW a lot while he walks, which explains why he doesnt often want me to walk with him. that never dawned on me before.
he's gonna do what he's gonna do. it's your job to stob obsessing on it. go back an reread the "considering" thread.
Quote: -- let it go, I've said I was sorry 2x, and mentioning it more will just irritate and remind him more.... -- absolutely refrain (somehow) to ANY reference to OW what so ever....It really sets him off...."what works" is obviously not saying anything...we do much better and get much further when I act "as if" the situation doesnt exist.
yes if you said it twice, he heard you. yes agreed this is a form of "do what works - stopping doing what doesnt". If he's doing something, you're making him feel guilty rather than wanting to stop. if he isnt, you keep reminding him of when he was. stop it.
Quote: One huge question in my mind that causes me trouble is "if he really is not seeing OW, why doesnt he make an effort to reassure me"? I dont know what to think there, other than in the "reconnection" post I copied, it says they will "test you as they never have before to see how you will respond to them and what they have done"....maybe that's it.
again it's crazymaking trying to second guess. did you ASK him for reassurances? If so, ok. If not, maybe you should OCCASIONALLY. Do it too much and you're needy, but once in a while is ok.
smack smack 2x4 - man this thing's been getting a workout today, frst myr then you.
I think I'm due for another myself...
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
thanks Bill....where do I sent the check for the therapy? No, I havent asked for reassurances because I'm so afraid of appearing needy...I've told him I'm not good at mind reading, but never asked for reassurances. Maybe he thinks he's giving them, and we're just on differnt wave lengths, I don't know, that never occurred to me. Everything you said makes so much sense.
What do you think about the affair comments though? That caught me so off guard, I don't know why he would think that or what I should do (maybe I should let him think that!)...I told him I'd never cheated on him and he just said "huh".....kind of skeptically. I am amazed he even thinks I would have an A???????? weird....
