this is going to sound really sexist, but I just noticed on my calendar that my period is probably 2 days away....I think this is the time of month when I am most likely to lose my grip and really blow it, I know I don't sleep as well then and am more irritable and tearful...I need to document and track more carefully so I can be more "on guard", I guess... I honestly think it makes a big difference in my case.
dAzed, I was reading through slowly's thread and found this post of yours...it really hit some of my thoughts on the head, so I hope you don't mind if I post it here for my "daily mediations" and reminders!
We discussed this, maybe a little prematurely a couple of weeks ago: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That comfortable, accepting, safety zone is what your hubby needs. His mixed emotions of guilt and probably a little abandonment are kicking in. He'll need support and reassurances that you are there for him.
Not only is hubby feeling this, his OW is feeling the loss and heaping additional guilt on him.
The difference you can make is that safety zone I talk about. He can not get that from OW. For one, she doesn't have the support group here to reassure herself, and therefore becomes a needy, clingy burden. Not what hubby needs right now. You can be the calm in the storm. The end to that relationship happened a couple of weeks ago. The end was the end. There are things to clear up there and the guilt of abandoning her is strong for hubby I'm sure.
Be viligant, and maybe outspoken about your support for him in his desire to end affair. Just keep that safety zone for him so comfortable and receptive he can't even think of anywhere else on earth he'd rather be.
Deb - On H assuming you had an affair -- I think if the next time HE mentions it, just offer to field any questions he has -- Ask away and answer honestly - especially if you have nothing to hide. Gingerly tell him you have a new "box of tools" now and realize that distance is not a solution, you are now working on positive solutions which include physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. A Win-Win situation.
On the asking questions and appearing needy -- Ask yourself EVERYTIME you are about to ask a questions that could be perceived in a negative light - "Am what I am about to do going to bring me closer or further to my goals" If closer, ask away, if further, be quiet. If you are aware of the monthly cycle and emotions, implement the 5 second rule - stop for 5 seconds and think before your respond (ask the question above). See how this works for you.
thanks mndad, I wish you could follow me around in person to keep me in line...I find your posts and insight so helpful.
I really appreciate the affair input....It really blew me away. God is my witness though, I've never so much as looked at another guy since I met H, never even considered it. that's why I was really shocked. I've mulled over wehy he would think that, and have come to the conclusion that he must be thinking that my interest in sex with him has increased, the interest must have been targeted some where else before. that's all I can think of...I guess one thing that's in my favor is that I can respond calmly because I certainly have a clear conscience that I never made any mistakes in that area. Funny how calm a clear conscience can let a person feel. I guess I never completely realized it before.
I really appreciate the "tool box" response....that's what I will do. and really work on the holding back on questions.
H sure is off the wall these days. all over the place.
I'm working really hard to avoid crazymaking....H seemed so down and distant this morning when I left for work, he was just sitting slumped down in a chair, looking down...quiet and withdrawn.... He's said he hasnt felt well for the last couple of days (sinus infection) but the look on his face seems like "more" than that.
When I got home from work late last night, H also said he didnt feel well, but sat and chatted for a while and seemed to have gotten over his irritation at me over my wednesday nite question...he didnt look as down.
I have such a hard time refraining from wondering whats causeing these "down" spells...H didnt seem as "loving" this morning, more distant, than usual, so I'm working hard at just backing away a step, not worrying about it, and giving him the time/space to come back to me....of course I want to go home a noon and seduce him....maybe today's not the day for that though!
The hope is always in the back of my mind that he's down because of OW....not sure how the distance from me fits in that picture though.
I still havent heard from the Dr.s office re the HPV tests....would sure like to know what they come up with....glad I held off on saying anything, though.
I'm fighting the crazymaker big time this morning, don't know why it's rattling around so much in my brain...I just had the thought of " what if I go home at noon and he's packed up and moved out".... "what if he's with her this morning while I'm here at work"....grrrrrrrr.....why does this hit me so out of the blue? I guess because I can't shake the mental image from this morning of him sitting sort of "shrunken" into the chair, it's just so unusual...like all the air had been sucked out of him....
I guess I need to get out the stop sign big time! and I need to back off and give him space.
Ok, I have to confess, (guess I don't have to, but will) I did something incredibly childish and non-goal directed and stupid, and I loved it.
Yesterday S and I passed OW on the freeway.....I made an obscene gesture at her....S started laughing, said "Mom I can't believe you would ever do a thing like that! She saw you and she was shocked!"
I know, I really set a POOR example for my S, and I do always try to be a model of upstanding conduct for him, but I loved doing it. Ok, that was my "Bad Girl" acting out episode for a while.
In my crazymaking mode this morning I've been thinking about the OW....I know that's a cheeseless tunnel, but maybe not completely useless, as I've been thinking about it from a little different perspective...what must this situation seem like to her....
f I were in her shoes, I would be going out of my mind....I don't know what H told her, I'm sure he must have whined and moaned, but if I was her I would be feeling like the worlds biggest all-time sucker....she: --left her live-in BF after a couple mos. w/H and moved to another town --increased her difficulties as a single parent by moving out of the town where her family is (only 20 miles, but still) --gave herself a commute of at least an hour/day with increased gas costs; --put her D's life in more upheaval by putting her in another school & home & community, --took on responsibilities of homeownership by herself --Lost the respect of "bosses" at her workplace (I suspect she's being watched closely, maybe H also, from comments he's made about how "heartless" they are and statements they've made in admin meetings I've been in) --At the least gotten herself exposed to an STD --Put herself in the position of being a poor role model for D --Put herself in the postion of promising to "wait" for him...I'd be really lonely... all this for..... --a 15 minute early morning phone call each day... --longer phone calls sometimes, when his W isnt around, probably over lunch hours --"hot" emails at work, which I suspect are monitored --knowing he is willingly going home to his family every night --knowing he's making plans/financial commitments w/family/wife that will make her life more complicated even if he did go to her. --having the guy desert their "shacking up" weekend to go home after his wife pounded on the door --maybe a few hours once a week together? --knowing he's spending his nights snuggled up w/wife, at the least --maybe knowing that W takes every opportunity to be intimate w/H....
WOW--I never looked at it like that before. S and his friends made up a rap song with "you FOOL" as a phrase....that keeps sticking in my mind.
what an idiot...what kind of a sucker/fool would make all those sacrifices on the basis of whiny/complaining words from somebody who's been married 24 years? The more I think about it, the more it blows my mind. Its incredible. Either H made huge promises to her...in which case he hasnt followed through...or she is a complete and total gullible idiot. Then I see that H must be feeling terribly guilty --he is the kind of person who feels guilt...maybe that is part of what makes it so hard for him to recommit to M.
oh my rambling mind. H told me months ago that things werent easy for OW....I've been so PO'd I've not seen that. Others here on the BB have mentioned that she's not to be envied....all I've been able to see thought is the "date night" situations, having a chance to always be at your best when you're around him and not have to deal with the nitty gritty details of everyday life together. Along that line of thought though, it must REALLY be a downer if you're always at your best and being fun, and he STILL won't leave the W for you. It would sure be nice if she's nuttier and clingier than I am!!!!! gives me a goal to work for, anyway.
deb, incredible insight! keep that in mind next time the crazymaking starts. I've been told on different occasions by my W 1 - he's jealous of me that I'm in the house and he isnt 2 - he's jealous of me that I got to take care of her after her abortion 3 - her boss doesnt approve of her relationship with OM 4 - she's afraid what they'll say and do if she leaves and he is still there
food for thought, isnt it?
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
