25, thanks for the feedback. That letter from the WAW was very hard to read, emotionally. Sometimes I feel like, though, that I can do no right in your eyes. I wish so much that I could have done things differently with my wife and understood the damage I was causing to my wife. And I wish that now I always would know the right things to do, but that's just not going to happen, I don't think. About the pillows, it wasn't that I didn't buy them out of selfishness. I didn't buy them because I thought she was testing me to see how much she could take advantage of me, to see whether I was respectable. I didn't buy the pillows because I wanted to maintain her respect. She does after all make about as much money as I do now. Maybe that was the wrong choice, but I'm trying my best to do the right things. I don't have all the answers, and I'm not sure anyone does.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I am pleasantly surprised by your update. Considering all of the 2x4s you have taken, glad to see a significant shift in your sitch.
The hot and cold from your W, could be her trying to find her way through this. Making the decision to divorce did not come easy. Now for her to consider opening up her heart to you and trusting you with it, is also difficult. Give her room to operate and try not to take things personally.
The other thing I would suggest, be cautious with not pushing her too much to do things. Otherwise, great update Wsh. Keep on keeping on.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
The other thing I would suggest, be cautious with not pushing her too much to do things. Otherwise, great update Wsh. Keep on keeping on.
I kind of think the same way. Im glad to see theres some communication and possibly some improvement in your sitch, BUT....
You are pushing on her INCREDIBLY hard. Every conversation looks to be ending with YOU planning the next time to meet. It's clear she isnt "all-in" - maybe let her come to you sometimes.
No, she's probably done about half the initiating/contacting. It's hard to accurately represent 3 weeks of occurrences without it being a massively huge amount of text.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Sometimes I feel like, though, that I can do no right in your eyes.
About the pillows, it wasn't that I didn't buy them out of selfishness. I didn't buy them because I thought she was testing me to see how much she could take advantage of me, to see whether I was respectable. I didn't buy the pillows because I wanted to maintain her respect. She does after all make about as much money as I do now. Maybe that was the wrong choice, but I'm trying my best to do the right things. I don't have all the answers, and I'm not sure anyone does.
I dont think 25 was talking about whether or not you actually purchased the pillows. Honestly, thats not that important. Let me attempt to rephrase:
You said you would buy them if "she will continue hanging out with me for several days and continue being nice." Buy them or dont, but dont do it as a bribe. That reads like it's falling back into old patterns of weighing everything against her reaction. It's like saying, "Ill only buy them for you if it puts 17 drops into your love tank". Life doesnt work that way - you have to decide without knowing the results from her. The reasons you give ^^^ are fine reasons to not buy them. So what is the purpose of telling her what you did instead?
Because I didn't want her to take advantage of me.
Im sorry if Im being unclear. I do apologize if you feel we are being too severe or minimizing your progress. I will say that it is a little frustrating to see your responses as I feel like you are not really taking time to read them. Know thast we all want success for you!
I understand that you dont want to be taken advantage of. I can certainly see how it would be frustrating to spend a lot of money on something and have her not dont want to spend the money on something like the pillows because you dont feel the R is on steady ground or because theyre too expensive or whatever, then fine, dont do it. In fact, Id probably side with you in not buying them. But saying that you WILL buy them if SHE behaves in a certain way is not a loving or caring message to send. As 25 said, it comes across as controlling and cold. Like you need to get 'something' in return because you did something nice.
To me, this kind of reaction is 'more of the same' - you calculating the value or benefit of what 'you get' from her in order for you to do something nice for her.
I hope that is making sense. I kind of think I am explaining poorly.
I know you are really trying to understand. But putting a condition with the pillows, that's a bribe. You buy the pillows because you want her to have the pillows. or you don't buy the pillows because you feel like you are being taken advantage of.
It is more of the same. She is being receptive to you. But if you keep repeating the same patterns she is going ot see more of the same.
Sometimes in life we do things because we simply want to give, not getting something in return. If we keep giving, but get nothing, then we know it's time to stop giving so much.
We give without expectation of receiving. We give because deep in our hearts we love that person or want to make someone happy. There will be people who take advantage and people who won't. It's up to you to figure that out.
is your wife the type who would take advantage? is she a taker, not a giver?
And remember, sometimes what you give will not always be returned exactly in the way you want or thought it would be, but it will be returned.
....and you didn't buy the paint by number book for HER. You bought if for your nephew. Her heart does not seem like a taking one. It seems like a giving one......
