Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated In Process of Divorce (Anniversary)

Yes, I plan to stick around these boards. I think I loved her "Too Hard" if that makes sense. I am shameful of my actions. Its crazy to think that you would hurt the ones you love the most. I do wonder however, based on her new relationship, and from everything I see and hear...it is going very well, is she hurting at all? Any pain, depression, or is she so far removed from the situation that she is so happy/go lucky?

180Man: I am sorry I dont have any advice for you other than don't do what I did based on my most recent long post. Don't let emotion get in the way (easier said than done), be patient but don't be a doormat like I was. Be calm, strong and attentive. Do blow it like me.

Sellout - dont beat yourself up. I do the same thing and really struggle with the shame of things. Rest assured, your W wasn't perfect either. She has faults just like the rest of us.

One thing I have noticed as I've been through this a few times... when the WAS leaves, the LBS places them on a pedestal. It's like our minds only remember the good times and all the good memories. Coincidentally, the WAS only remembers the bad times and bad memories (they call this re-writing history).

Your W and my W were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Did we make mistakes? Absolutely. Did they make mistakes? Yep. The difference is that we are willing to work on things. The WAS isn't there, yet.

Let time work in your favor. Her affair will more than likely blow up. Honestly, she's in no position mentally to be able to start a new relationship anyways. As time passes, and as long as you are detaching and giving her lots of space, she might start thinking about some of those good times you had with her.

Don't beat yourself up. And that's a reminder for me as much as it is for you.

Thornton: very wise advice and thank you for that. However, quick question based on you footer signature. It appears you have been at this for over 3 years. At what point do you (we) decide its time to move on? A lifetime of events in my situation has transpires in 3.5 months, and now I am at the point where I can "handle" it anymore. My plan moving forward is to be a nice as possible during the divorce but not get taken advantage of. I will then be nice and courteous afterwards with the limited contact we may have. I am in no way to start dating again. From what Ive read you should wait at least 1 year after the divorce is final to start dating again. I just truly wonder if she is as happy as what she is leading on to being?!?!

Sellout,

She is distracting herself from her problems. Yeah, things got out of hand, but try to find the silver lining. Now you have to give her space. That will be good for both of you. I find that the self-control needed to give space and detach is the hardest part. Now you don't have to worry about self-control! You have no choice but to give her space. And hopefully in time the A will blow up. Once the A blows up, maybe she will have time to reflect on things. By then you'll have had time to yourself to work on you.

I say these things not because I find them easy to do. In fact, 25mlc has been kicking my butt the past couple of days trying to help me get on the right track. I'm not great at this but I'm trying to see how I am screwing up and adjust fire.

I vote you stick around. I sùck at this as much as you do, but that doesn't mean we can't learn and grow into better people.

When you say stick around, what exactly do you mean? I don't live in the home anymore, can't/don't have any contact with her other than coordination for our son and will be seeing each other in court soon for one of the first of probably many divorce meetings. Stick around for what?

Hey Sellout - My WAW has left me 3 times. I was able to get her back twice. Just couldn't keep her!

When I say stick around, Im referring to sticking around the DB board because you said it might be your last post.

Thornton - 10-4! Got it and thanks for the clarification. I figure is she came back you could figure it out. Not that easy I guess. Well, Ive read stories of miracles on here of WAW coming back even after the divorce. Again, mine is such a compressed timeline and after all my wife has lost NOTHING through this process. I figure it may start to hit her once we are sitting with attorneys, going to court, and then ultimately sell the house. She loves our house and we built it together. The problem is, it will be too late at that point. However, we would have had to sell the house anyways due to the OM being directly across the street. Actually a light bulb just went off in my head. Maybe her thought process is as follows: 1) The affair (by both of us) happened in our house/bed. 2) Her affair is across the street. 3) maybe she is thinking of the quickest way to get out of both scenarios and start with a clean slate. But...her pushing so hard for the divorce and still seeing OM doesn't compute. I am fairly certain of two things in this situation. 1) her hot and heavy romantic affair to a still married man (albeit going through a divorce himself) while see is married will NOT last. 2) at some point she will realize her mistakes and want another chance. Will it be too late then??? Time will tell.

Sellout,

You concern right now should be on custody. You left the marital home when you were advised not to for legal reasons and now you having a restraining order against you.

Focus 100% on your son!

That is correct. Trust me, had I not left the marital home, things would have been worse than it is now.