I am very glad that Pam’s post has started this topic of conversation. It is giving me a chance to see other POVs.
I understand your dream of becoming a therapist, probably because I share it! But you do realize that there is a time and a place for positives and a time and a place for silence…and that neither will fill the need for the honest call-outs.
If you see someone doing positively, of course it makes sense to tell them so! Absolutely! We all need to hear that we’re doing okay in this fight. BUT, like you pointed out in your last post here, we also all need to know what is going wrong and be called on the carpet about it. The silence you would offer in lieu of the well-directed criticism may not send the right message.
As a therapist, you are going to be doing a lot of carpet calling. You’re going to have to identify the negative behaviors and point them out. That is why we’re here. We know that we aren’t doing something right, but if no one is willing to tell us what those things are…how are we going to have that light bulb moment that will change our behaviors?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
lots to consider here. i am not going to go into why "i" read and not post, or why sometimes "i" offer praise instead of a 2x4, each of us have our own way of dealing with what we read on this board
i will say that there is a lot to be said about focusing on the positive, especially when that positive concentrates on yourself.
all of our sitches suck big time. all of us have had our period of mourning, wallowing and pity parties. who are WE to say when enough is enough? each one of us have to go thru this process on our own, and like our mates, on our own time line
i have a friend on this board that i am very fond of (she knows who she is) who played every role that there was. the pity parties, the wallowing, the venting, the anger, the wanting to leave, the wanting to not be around, the leaving the bb, and then one day (which was an inspiration to me and continues to be) she GET'S IT - it all clicks
i have mentioned this more than a few times in my own thread and on others. there is a point that MOST OF US WILL GET IT - for some it takes a short while, for others, maybe longer. for those that it's taking a while, well, who are we to dictate our time line on them? you can either read/comment, read/not comment, there is no forcing either way.
just cause there are more views than comments mean absolutely NOTHING - i may comment ONCE in a thread and come back to it MANY times during the next few days cause i wanna see how my comment was taken by others. does that mean each and every time i go to a thread i have to comment?
if just 10 people did that three times a day to one thread, none of us would have any lives - we would just be sitting here reading and commenting
some of us have EPIPHANY's for OTHER people while reading their thread, and decide to offer suggestion, some of us are BLANK when we read it, but by the end of the day after we have thought about things come back and can finally comment
i have been on bulletin boards for close to 10 years. that is the life of a bb - always MORE views than replies. nothing should be thought negative of that - there are THOUSANDS of people every day that glance thru these boards, most of them none registered users - so do not base your opinion of people on the amount of views versus your replies on your thread
that being said
honesty IS important here. that is the ONLY way you will get help - i have been PAINFULLY HONEST ON THIS BOARD - so much so that if these things came out in my "offline" life would hurt many many people, but by being honest here, i have gotten help, processed and am doing better because of it
there is a lesson to be said about honesty, and i appreciate the candor of some here - you can only heal when first you realize you have a problem
Quote: there is a lesson to be said about honesty, and i appreciate the candor of some here
Quote: who are we to dictate our time line on them?
Quote: who are WE to say when enough is enough?
This was just what I was trying to avoid. Finger pointing.
Say what you want about timelines and support, but I also see this side:
There are people here who have NO hopes of saving their marriages. For some, the divorce is within the week or month. In my opinion, offering them false hope is not helpful. Why? So they can crash and burn in the courtroom, because up until that point they have believed that there was still hope?
I am not trying to argue with anyone Kitti. I was just telling it like I saw it. Maybe I took it wrong, but your post sounded angry. If so, step back and figure out why you are offended. You shouldn't be. You are entitled to your opinion, just like everyone else.
I am so glad that this topic got started, I cannot say that enough. Not because of the controversy it is creating, but because of the honesty that is happening.
Keep in mind, that we are not incorporating things as always, every time, never etc. IN GENERAL...these things could happen a little more or a little less, depending on the thing that was addressed. There is a time and place for every element mentioned. All that was attempted to be pointed out was that some of the elements were getting left by the wayside.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
No thank you! I like hearing what YOU have to say, I don't understand why you think that I say things any better. PamelaC, you say it like it is (and usually much nicer than I do) so you're not off the hook.
Besides, who could have launched this "fun" topic better than you?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Quote: Maybe I took it wrong, but your post sounded angry.
then sweetie, you did take it wrong. and for the record, i wasn't pointing fingers at anyone, just making generalized points about what was being said thruout the thread
we don't post much to each other, so you may not understand my "tone" - but this is far from angry. offended? me??? HA HA HA - no, people have to do alot more these days to offend me...paxil is great for that
if you felt that my comments were directed specifically at you then i aplogize. i had a general feeling after reading the last 20 or so posts and quite frankly, my memory isn't what it used to be, so i had no idea who i was addressing in particular.
the only point of "offense" (god how i hate that word) is the whole replies/views thing. maybe it came across as aruguing, but in all honesty, that was not my intent
and for the record...
Quote: There are people here who have NO hopes of saving their marriages. For some, the divorce is within the week or month. In my opinion, offering them false hope is not helpful. Why? So they can crash and burn in the courtroom, because up until that point they have believed that there was still hope?
i do believe in this statement. altho, michelle tends to remind us that things CAN CHANGE in the 11th hour. but you see pam - the way i see this whole db process FINALLY is that this isn't about our mate, this is about US individually - so there can be success if we apply these principles to ourselves
please sweetie, i wasn't trying to start anything ok? and i WASN'T finger pointing, and i am not angry - far from it!!!
I hate doing this, but I can't help myself. All of your views and feelings have merit (good DBing? ). Actually, I mean that sincerely.
Each of us is ultimately responsible for how we handle our own lives and each of is different. Even if we disagree with another poster--it does not mean that poster is not making a sincere effort to help. And while I, too, can see no help in arfers--at times it's just nice to know someone is out there thinking about you in a positive way.
The bottom line is that we give and take out of this BB what we give and take. We are in control of that much, if not our spouses. Just as we may decide what writers/opinion makers we like and dislike, the same holds true for the BB. But if we follow anyone blindly (except perhaps for G-d, and even this religious reference will offend at least one reader out there), we set ourselves up for trouble.
All of us are here because life DID NOT go according to plan. And you know something, IMHO that's what life is and what DBing is all about--making the most of things are not perfect or easily scripted--life.
So long as no one is co-opting or intentionally undermining someone's thread, let's keep all views coming and do it in a peaceful, respectful manner (as this discussion has been). We can agree to disagree--even in a pointed manner!
). Actually, I mean that sincerely.