Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Friends: Anchor, Bruce and Chum's BB Version

Anchor the shark, reporting for duty! Wait, no, scratch that…reporting for duty is Monsters Inc. Anchor the shark…uh…well…Anchor the shark, checking in fish sober! How’s that?

Okay, Bets…you want lessons that I have learned and keeping my marriage out of the limelight? What a good day to write this. I am exhausted (physically AND mentally) but I actually had some great clarification moments last night – Pam, if you are reading this, these clarification moments occurred AFTER the venting email!

My self-help drug of choice right now is Adult Children of Alcoholics. This book was recommended by D4’s therapist (D4 is not my biological child, she was birthed by my sister who is dealing with some life-altering changes right now, consequently I am indefinitely raising her little girl who came ‘home’ with me a month ago). Although neither of D4’s parents were alcoholics, my sister never took a true active role in parenting her little girl. The book itself focuses on parental behaviors that are common in alcoholic homes. What I am discovering is that these behaviors are also present in homes headed by crazymakers and do-nothings as my childhood home and D4’s were, respectively. What is standing out to me right now is that people raised by alcoholics (and crazymakers and do-nothings) are more comfortable with negative feelings than with positive ones.

Hence, the yelling and screaming to receive words of affirmation. We cannot ask in a positive way for what we want, because we have been trained in the negative. That is why I find negative humor so hilarious. I am comfortable with it. I have heard the negatives my entire life. What we don’t do, what we do wrong, what we positively aren’t, what we negatively are, etc. So, instead of walking up to my H and saying, “thanks for picking up the children today, I really appreciate it” I would be more comfortable with, “Yeah, you got the children. But you forgot D4’s shoes. And where is S1’s art? And did you possibly remember to sign them OUT of the center this time?” and if he answered, “The shoes are in the truck, the art is hanging on the refrigerator and I signed them out at promptly 2:15” my response still couldn’t be positive. I might say, “Well what are her shoes doing in the truck?” Or something. You get the picture. I may be very grateful that he picked up the children, but expressing that is something that I wasn’t trained to do. Find the negatives, highlight them, and if they get solved then better find some new ones!

New goal. For one entire week I will not point out one negative action to my H. If he forgets D4’s shoes, she can wear one of the other 1,000 pairs she owns. If he forgets S1’s art, I’ll pick it up the next day. You get the picture. So long as the children aren’t playing in rush hour traffic while drinking household cleaners – he’s off the hook.

So, as it is getting later and later last night I am getting more and more into this section of my book about negative behaviors. The phone rings, sobbing girlfriend on the other end of the line wants to come over and watch a movie. A fricking movie at 11:30pm on a Sunday night! But, because I know she would do it for me I invited her, her movie, and her bottle of wine over. Mona Lisa Smile. Rent it.

My favorite part of the movie is the line where she says, “you don’t need to like it. You don’t need to appreciate it. You just need to consider it” struck a chord with me. Consider it. Even though it is different then anything you’ve ever been presented with, simply consider it without condemning it. She was talking about art, but I was thinking about marriage. Consider it. Don’t negatively address it, don’t pretend to love it when you don’t, but for goodness sake at least CONSIDER it. Seems simple enough right? I’m guessing that it hasn’t been something I have done often since it stuck in my head like that.

New goal. Instead of controlling it, and assuming that every action my H does or does not do is his way of moving closer to divorce I am going to CONSDIER it before casting it aside as a bad thing. I may not love it. I may not agree with it. But I will consider it. That includes unplanned trips across the country. That includes the fact that he ignored a major holiday. That includes his need to sleep at his mother’s to escape the chaos of a house with children. Those can no longer be sources of irritation for me until I have considered allowing them to be positives.

I have a pile of work to do, but I have first an assignment for my dream team of sharks here. Sharkies, I want you and others to do this with me. This occurred to me last night as I was trying to fall asleep after Mona Lisa Smile.

Make two lists. One list is things that you are going to begin considering (things that you didn’t give much thought about before, but called them negative) and the other list is a list of things that are deal breakers for you (things that you have considered and decided that nope, that is simply not acceptable to you and your morale). I’ll do the same. I’m interested to see what we can come up with here…

GO US!!!!

Okay, I'll go first.

Things about H that I promise to CONSIDER:

1. H’s need for private space and alone time
2. H’s incessant need to use his cell phone three million times a day
3. H’s forgetfulness
4. H’s lack of affection for holidays and family events
5. H’s views on marriage and the fears associated with it
6. H’s silence
7. Using this separation as more than a means to an end (Tolle)


Things about me that I promise to CONSIDER:

1. Negative thoughts and automatic cynical reactions
2. The phrase ‘normal family’ is really an oxymoron
3. Saying what I want specifically
4. Being okay with not receiving what it is that I want from H
5. Finding comfort instead of uneasiness in doing separate activities from my H
6. Dropping the rope

Things that I have CONSIDERED and cannot allow in my marriage (from me OR my H):

1. Emotional affairs
2. Physical affairs
3. Perpetual late arrivals
4. Dishonesty – especially such involving joint finances, children and OWs
5. Excuses

Wonderful Meredith,

Could have been written by me.

Though I think we should beable to get what we need from H's in a perfect situation.

Pattie,

I completely agree...bearing in mind though that the operative word there is 'need'.

Damn, Mer, here I was--hoping to sit an easy week out and you've already assigned homework? I barely finished my second cup of coffee and I'm back in the fight... I don't know whether to hit you or hug you!

I read ACA book a really long time ago, and think maybe it's time to re-read it. I also benefited greatly from Codependent No More... sadly, I gave the books away years ago.

Part of what I think I'm dealing with right now, especially in regards to boundary setting, is tied to this issue. UGH!

I received a very thought-provoking e-mail message from Love2Win over the weekend (thanks, Karen) and she gave me a few bones to chew on as well. They mostly addressed the absence of boundaries with Mr. Wonderful and I've been contemplating them all night.

So while I won't be able to match the length of your list, I will add my own--after all, you did a dynamite job. I think I need you to come over and give me that Monday morning energy! BTW, Pam said she'll be back on tomorrow.

I'll add mine to your list in a sec.

Things about Mr. W. that I will consider

1. His constant need for time alone--depersonalizing it
2. His coping mechanisms--self medication and avoidance
3. His fence sitting
4. His deliberate avoidance of me in my presence

Things about ME that I will consider

1. My wants and needs and expressing them
2. My seemingly incessant need for affirmation
3. My tendency to feel victimized by his leaving

Things I have considered and will not allow in my M

1. Over-indulgence in alcohol
2. Avoiding conflict at all cost
3. Emotional or physical affairs
4. Lack of communication at whatever level works (that is, I won't be unreasonable if his way is different than mine)
5. Lack of affection--both verbal and physical

**Note: I might modify these with a little more time and thought.

ATTA GIRL!!!

Great list, Bets! My goal here is that we see in the black and white what might not be so bad and what flat out is not allowed in our marriages. The hope being, of course, that our lists of things to consider will cause the list of deal breakers to be non-issues.

I’m not very in practice when it comes to considering things that I clearly know I don’t want to happen. Just as my children do not WANT to go to bed, eat vegetables and share toys with their friends…yet my children don’t WANT to be tired, unhealthy and friendless either. Therefore, let’s challenge our thinking, challenge our wants, and see what is left over when we are done. That is to say, we’re gonna do some considering.

Sigh… Bets, to answer your hit me or hug me question - we don’t hit our friends. Hitting our friends is wrong and if you continue to hit them you will not have any left. Do I not say this enough throughout the course of a day that I have to say it to you too? We also do not bite them, kick them, pull their hair, snatch their toys or inform them where their eyes are roughly, for future reference!

*Sigh* Mer, I'm not very good practicing this stuff either. Maybe this is a journey we need to take? You're right about the deal breakers. I'm going to add one more to mine:

Lack of commitment

I think that should actually be moved to my #1 spot.

I promise not to revert to childhood behaviors to get what I want. I can't remember the last time I've bitten someone (but what I wouldn't give to go there right now!), kicked, pulled hair or stomped off. I did smack D7's bottom last night, though. Does this mean I'm bad?

Thanks for your post, Betsey... if you DO see the OFF button, punch it, hard, okay? Reading your post about your D10, I think she will hit it, too, if given the opportunity.

Yes, I am WELL aware of the time I have been here... ugh. My one year since bomb #1 passed in December (I want a new family... somewhat creative from the 'usual" ILYBNILWY bomb...), and bombs #2 (move out) #3 (discovery of OW) are fast approaching... wonder if H will notice, freak, not care, what??

Why do you have to be 10 years old to have life all figured out?

My H DOES remind me of your H in that he seems content to stay put... he actually emailed me wondering if "something had happened" that made the kids not want to answer his calls. Shall I answer, "what, other than you dumping us and moving out? Other than putting some OW above them? Other than looking for YOUR happiness? Other than that, you mean?" But, I won't...

Ah, just post high Easter day musings... I detect some not niceness... must be a backlash from all the niceness yesterday.

Well, shall I say it, let's just keep swimming... for now. Keep up with the Swimming Lessons... I am reading and enjoying, and hopefully LEARNING.

You're talking to someone who had to spank two of them this morning...so if you are bad for that then you've got company!

Well, add this to the list of things we'd need to be in practice for no matter WHO we wind up in a relationship with. We aren't doing these things as a means to win our marriage; we're doing them as a means to better ourselves. Right? Right.

Add lack of commitment to my list of deal breakers as well. At least, lack of commitment once the top two lists are considered and categorized.