Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Loosening My Grip

Hello Skyhigh! Thank you for the very sound advice. I am going to start just living my life as a single mom. In a way, it'll be so much easier. Skyhigh, you advice is always spot on. I can't thank you enough for stopping by and helping me.

Over the weekend, we found out H's sister's husband is having an affair. The brother in law claimed in December he cut it off with his OW. In the ensuing two months, he racked up $4k in gambling debt and continued the affair behind H's sister's back. She found out this last weekend that the affair never stopped. The brother in law is telling H's sister all kind of lies. Unfortunately, I feel her pain.

H's perspective on it is puzzling to me. When H and I talked about it, I mentioned that I thought the brother in law is running from something. There is something in his past he doesn't want to face that is causing him to act out. H said he thinks his sister and her husband just need counseling if their marriage is going to work. Um, a married man doesn't just up and have a two year affair and rack up $4k in gambling debt just because he thinks his marriage is awful. I dunno, maybe he would. H doesn't see it - he is blaming their marriage relationship for what his brother in law is doing. Am I wrong to think he doesn't see the real issue? Perhaps because it hits too close to home for him?

I feel so frustrated at his lack of insight. Really, I have felt this way for the last few years. I have frequently lamented at what I perceive to be his inability to see how his own behaviors have an affect on our dynamic.

I wish I could more easily detach. I recognize the need to, it's just so hard for me. On the one hand, I know I have to find my happiness on the inside. To some extent, I am happy and appreciative of all that I have. On the other hand, I feel so lost because the marriage is so broken. I want to be compassionate toward myself and give myself the okay to grieve this loss. I took S to the zoo this weekend and when I looked around and saw families that appeared to be "happy" I was overcome with feelings of envy.

Hi FightOn, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and sister in law - I too feel that pain and it does take me back to 'the worst time'

As for how you feel about your H and his current level of insight - I would agree that the best thing would be to absolutely let that go. He will have his own 'take' on what is happening just as you have yours based on where you are both 'at.'

From what I see, your efforts to try and 'make him see' that situation how you see it are you still hoping and trying to control what he does and how he sees things. And that's the part to let go of I think. He will see what he sees when he sees it....

I understand seeing other families and feeling others are happy. Though in truth, people all have their own trials and challenges and it can help to remember that our mind can distort these thoughts - ie: everyone else here is so happy whilst I'm....

I found the Guy Winch TED talk on emotional first aid helpful and it's certainly worth a listen...

It really is best to accept that your H is on his own path as you are on yours. Work on the parts that you own and that will help you in your own life going forward. Keeping our focus on ourselves takes time to achieve but we can all get there with gentle and persistent effort.

Take care and I know none of this is easy (major understatement!!) but you are doing well.

xx

Sotto - you are right - I am hoping that he will see things the way that I see them. Philosophically, I know it is wrong to want that. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder, if I am wrong about wanting him to see it my way, does it mean my view is wrong. And if my view is wrong, then why am I standing? If my view is wrong and his is right, then we should get a divorce. Am I missing something?

FightOn,

To answer some of those questions ^^, please allow me to offer you a different way of looking at your interactions with H.

FightOn looks at the moon and sees it's white.

Mr.FightOn looks at the moon and sees it's green.


Does that mean that both of your perspectives are wrong? You can argue with H until you're blue in the face that the moon is white. H's view is that the moon is green and he's standing by it.

I could show you that the actual color of the moon is purple.

In your haze of being "right", you both are digging in and staking your own individual positions. Hence the on-going stalemate.

What happens if you step off the box and letting go of "being" right about certain things. It is not you who must be right all the time. Things are fluid and things do change over the course of the time.

This is where it is super, duper essential that you dig deep for patience with the MLCer for the fog is especially heavy at this stage. Good Lord! I ought to know...my fog was 5-years long.

Let me put this back to you:

Why are you standing? Dig deep...the answer is buried inside you. Become your own best friend and you'll discover the answers in YOU.

Hi there Wonka! Thank you for stopping by.

I think in wanting to be "right" I am looking for some validation. Which is crazy because I know he is incapable of giving me anything right now.

I am just tired of the roller coaster. I am tired of living with someone who couldn't care less about me and my life. I am just plain tired right now.

Admittedly, I am a little panicked as well. Time and time again, I have read how time is my friend during all of this. It's a concept that is easy to accept when I see how deep he's in the tunnel. What scares me is we will divorce before he is out. I'm not sure I will still stand if we divorce. For me, that just might be the final boundary.

H's sister and I talked for over two hours today. She shared more details about her H's affair and what she has learned and what her H has said. Wow. Just wow. Do they all read the same book? Is there some script floating around that they all share? Some of her H's statements are word for word the same as my H's. Amazing. It must be some natural psychological defense mechanism at play.

Oddly enough, hearing her share these details really hits it home for me. I can really see how they (MLC'ers/cheaters) are all so similar in many ways. It makes it so much easier to take a step back and see their madness for what it really is when you can really see it going on in someone else's life. It's all an escape. They really are running from themselves.

And you know what, to that I say, "go ahead." Run, run, run. Just don't take my son with you. You want to leave, go. But leave S with me. And don't come back.

I think we all want some sort of validation, but that isn't going to come from them for a very long time...if ever, right? They are totally self-absorbed and are not thinking clearly about anything, but how perfect their fantasy will be.



I have a close friend that is about a year ahead of me in this same kind of journey...the madness is real and hurts everyone involved. It hurts the couple, the kids, the extended family, and close family friends. Everyone is touched by MLC, but the person in the crisis only sees what is going on in their head...batchitcrazy.

I hope you get some peace!!! When you feel overwhelmed, just remember that there are alot of us going thru the same thing you are and that if you give it to God, it helps you release the burden and find peace.

sorry was posting fast and screwed up the quotes

Hi Fighton - I know it's hard. This is where reading about MLC helps so much. I know it sounds cliche, but knowledge is power.

Before this all happened to my h, I was the sort who never would have believed in MLC. To me, it would have been someone just making excuses for behaving badly. And in a way, it is that! But the pain is so deep and so true, they don't even see the pattern of what they are doing. The fog is too deep.

Look at 100 years ago and what was known about certain mental disorders: bipolar, schizophrenia, even depression. Not much in comparison to what we know now.

I actually thought I knew a fair amount about depression. But MLC depression? Wow. It was a whole new planet right down the hall from me (in h's re-created childhood bedroom "the dorm room"). The more reading I did, the more script he followed! It was unbelievable. And the first two years post BD, he made negative sense; definitely less than zero.

What helped carry me through that time period was to read, read, read. That's personally how I process things. It took me a lonnnng time to see that it didn't have all that much to do with me even though he projected onto me thus keeping me in his MLC orbit. He said and did the zaniest things.

I think the day will come where professionals will really study MLC and it will be legitimized somewhere in phychogical disorders. Science shows their brains are different in MLC depression. I have actually seen my h regress to a little boy: in voice, body language and in expressing his hurts.

Do you truly believe in MLC from the reading you've done? If you don't really believe it, it's super hard to stand.

If you do, then take air away from it. Get busy elsewhere. Because like he is lost in the fog? You've been given the gift of time. You won't realize it or believe it until you force yourself to watch him less/focus less on him. You can do it!

Hi there SBJ and HaWho!

Batchitcrazy! I love it! Yes, that is an apt description.

I am in the same boat as you were HaWho. I never believed what I understood about MLC until I came here and started doing a lot of reading. While my beliefs have changed about it, I find myself questioning whether it applies to my H. There are many times when he sounds so rational, thoughtful, and confident. It throws me because when I see what other MLCers are doing, I think, well, he's not doing this, that, or the other thing, so maybe it's not MLC.

This morning he made another comment about how by the time S is old enough to be playing sports and working out he (H) will probably be in the grave. The preoccupation with aging makes me want to roll my eyes. Get over it already. Lol! I am going to start documenting these remarks here so I can remind myself this IS MLC.

This last week I have doubled up my efforts to detach. I am looking at the things he does that triggers me into wanting to tear his head off. As I isolate them, I am working on figuring out alternative ways to respond in my mind. So far I haven't come up with a lot. However, on the outside, I think I am making progress. I don't respond to him. At all. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And I think it is starting to affect him because this last week he has really stepped up his efforts. Every day it's some kind of passive aggressive remark or action. Every day, I turn the other cheek and ignore it. I have taken to just not acknowledging it.

FightOn,

This is awesome and inspiring. My W really knows how to push my buttons. She knows just what to say and how to say it to make me lose it. It's a real struggle not to react, but I've been getting better. Thanks for sharing.

The comment about being in the grave? It's so interesting how the different MLCers act out the aging crisis. So do you roll your eyes or just ignore?