Thank you for your honesty, Betsey. You are totally right. I'm not sure if I do care enough to do this. Perhaps, I just think about backing out b/c it is the easier thing to do.
Quote: My question to you: Why don't you feel you deserve to be happy?
I guess because I don't think I am a very worthwhile person and that I have been taught to think the worst in ppl. Additionally, I feel like I am going against my family if I am happy. Does that make sense??? It's crazy, I know! I have to cut the apron strings and have my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
I'm afraid to have the rug pulled out from under me. Yet, I take so many other risks in my life and have total confidence!
Hi Karen - I'm sure there is a lot to process, with the loving, caring, honest feedback from Betsey. While you are at it, please also consider the fact that dbing takes a lot of REAL, INTERNAL change.
Quote: It's so hard for me to DB!!! I am a horrible actress!
I don't think dbing is only about 'pretending'. It is understanding what is needed for the people, and the relationship at that time, and shelving the rest until a more appropriate time. But mostly, recognising that there is a reason we are in the current sitch, and that there are some things about ourselves that we need to change.
This is HARD. I too have felt like giving up at times, but in addition to the fact that I really love NG and do not want to live without him in my life, I was encouraged by the changes I saw in MYSELF. I think I am a much better person now, certainly I'm much happier with myself.
I hope you can stick with the process, and really focus on understanding what makes you do some of the less comfortable things. We are rooting for you, but as Betsey so eloquently put it, you need to be rooting for you too Slowly
Hi, I've been feeling more motivated the past couple of days. Part of it being that I am so angry with H that I feel kinda like "I'll show him-I AM CHANGING!!!" But, I realized this morn that this act is tough love from him and I do need to see it from his standpoint. It was embarrassing for him when I had those outbursts and it ruins his fun. I just don't want to think that we won't EVER be able to go together and I still think (someone please correct me if my thinking could be better here) that he'll divorce me if I don't change, yet he's not giving me the opportunity to show him that I have AND why stay together if we are going to live separate lives like this? ie can't do "certain" things together. Which is it? Stay with me if I change or stay w/me and not do certain things together if I don't change. What is the reward?
Tuesday he called and asked if I wanted him to wait for me to get home to go bike riding with him and his friend. I told him to just go during the day w/o me and asked if he would be eating din. with friend. He said no, and I said that I would go to the store and cook. (well, not cook at the store. ). I came home, and he wasn't home yet. So I went to the pool to visit my sis and nephews. My sister is talking to me again after 3 years of estrangement. We may actually be friends again and doing stuff together!
H got home, then I went home a little later. Had din, got along ok. I had no expectations and actually don't even feel like being intimate with him, but he did init. snuggling for a few min. in bed.
Last night my plans to climb got cancelled, so I called another friend and went to a church picnic with her. I ran home first to change, H was there and asked what i was doing-I said, "going to play, how 'bout you?" He said that he was going to play too. I told him to have fun, and he left. After the picnic I went to my other friend's and we went out for a couple beers. I didn't get home until 12:40. H was asleep, but I'm sure he was wondering where I was.
This morn. I was cheerful and a little goofy and he laffed. Tonight we will meet with the bike club to ride. we usually go on diff. routes b/c the group splits up according to skill level. After, we eat din. out. I plan to be in a good mood and pleasant towards him without going overboard. Wish me luck.
I can honestly say I feel a little better about myself. I went back to my neurologist the other day and she put me on another med. for ADD. It has to build up, but after a week and a half, I think I feel a little better emotionally and a little more focused at work.
Thanks Pam! Last night went fine. H & I took our separate bike routes and then a group of us went to dinner. Dinner was fine-I was pleasant towards H. I didn't ask him about his evening Wed. b/c I had this feeling that it would feel more like an interrogation. We went home, and when we were in bed, I asked if he wanted to spoon. He said that he would when he cooled off. Well, both of us fell asleep.
This morn. when we said goodbye I told him that I wasn't coming home after work. He asked what I was doing and who with. I said gf, sister and I are going to the river and then out. He said, "ok, then I'll see you at the river sometime."
I had an idea that if I see him talking to his ex, that I would go up and say hi to her also. Or, if I see her walking around somewhere else, I will talk to her. We are on good terms, and we have talked before. I even called her last year and apologized for flipping out at the river. She wasn't mad, but she was glad that I called and very reassuring that she & h do not have romantic feelings for one another. So, why can't I get this through my thick skull? Oh, I guess I just answered that myself.
A lot of other ppl don't understand the sitch either and think that he shouldn't talk to her and that she has no place in our R, and that h should be more sensitive. Well, I certainly don't think that he shouldn't talk to her. I see plenty of old bf's and I still talk to them-even if H is there. In fact, he has met several of my ex's.
There is part of this that I still harbor feelings over that I would like to get over. When H and I first started dating, he told me that they were still friends and talk/do dinner from time to time. I said, "that's fine!" (Good DB'er back then when I didn't even know it!) Well, as time went on and I got more "attached" to him, I felt more and more threatened. He tried to reassure me and even showed me an email that she wrote him. I kept bringing it up and getting upset about it, and eventually he would start to get angry. He was really concerned that I didn't trust him and that if I didn't trust him, then why should we have an R? Well, I wanted to marry him, so I mustered up some guts-he wanted to invite her to the recp. I did not protest. She didn't come. He was mad b/c she said that she was and then never called or wrote to say that she wasn't.
So, they didn't talk for a long time after that. Since then, they have, and got that cleared up. She thought that since it was my day, that she shouldn't be there and possibly be a distraction for his family (or me). I appreciated this and told her (when I called her to apologize).
About half a year ago, the subject came up of her and the recp. He told me what she said (I never told him that I called her). I said, "that's nice. I appreciate that." And somehow, he ends up telling me that if he thought that I would be uncomfortable, that he wouldn't have invited her. WHAT???????? I said, "No, you were so adamant about me trusting you, that you were going to invite her and I was supposed to accept that." So, what's up with that? I feel like he wasn't sensitive to my feelings at the time, and I harbor some resentment. Lots of ppl that I talk to understand me being jealous and think that it was weird or inappropriate for them to get together for dinner.
Ppl would say what H needs to do. Well, obviously, I can only change myself. Furthermore, I think he does make a good point-he should be able to talk to anyone and that if I don't trust him, then we have bigger issues.
Hi All, the weekend turned out to be ok. I only saw H for about half a minute at the river. We kissed and hugged hello. He asked me where I was going (don't know if he meant at the river or out later). I said that I didn't know, he said, ok, and that he had to go to the bathroom. I took my sister home and went out w/my friend and her brother. Didn't stay out too late. Part of me wanted to stay out later than H, but my feet were hurting from my sandals and I was tired from having been drinking earlier at the river.
Sat. H asked me to shop for his aunts' bday presents, which I did. I came home and he was napping, so I crawled into bed with him. We got up and decided to go to dinner, and he started to touch me and . It was great. We went to din, then decided to go home and watch a movie. He asked me if it was ok that we didn't go out and I said yes.
Sunday morn. I init. . It doesn't seem as good as when he does. Seems like he acts a lot closer to me when he initiates, or I'm just somewhat paranoid. I backed off and didn't init. all week. He mowed the lawn and I went to the grocery store. I had to cook a few dishes for the bday party. Right before I left for the store, his mom had his dad call and leave him a message. It was to ask if I was bringing a cheesecake to the party. I got frustrated and took off for the store. Later, H asked me if I was ok, I said i didn't know. We cooked (H was great help), started to watch a movie. I wasn't into it and told him that I wasn't in the right mind set and went to take shower, do my nails, etc. (basically-doing my own thing).
We leave and in the car I hugged him and told him that I wasn't upset with him. He said, "then what's your problem?" nice...I told him I felt frustrated b/c his mom and I had several convo's about what each of us were doing for the party. I said, "I have NEVER not done something or NEVER did not go where I said I was going to be." He said that she prob. just forgot and that other ppl in the fam. forget things too. (referring to me).
We get there and she asked him what was up with me, he told her, she came to me and said she didn't mean it like that, that she forgot, that she loves me, etc. That was nice. I realize that I could have just called her while I was out to the store and cleared the air rather than getting upset about it.
Went to party, it was ok. All they do is talk cat stories...I parted to visit my friend in hospital for an hour or so, came back for h. We drove home, he was getting out of the car and threw something into the front seat and slammed a couple doors. WTF???
So, I feed the dogs, wait a few min., h lays down on the couch. I ask what is wrong. He says "Everyone is pissing me off this week." I asked how so/what happened? He said that he wasn't happy about the "crap that I pulled with his mother," and that his dad pissed him off. How so? Well, H had offered to re-roof their garage and yesterday his dad told him that he wants the whole thing hand-nailed. H thinks there is nothing wrong with using a nail gun and is not willing to do it if his dad only wants it hand-nailed. But...he did not tell him this. He said nothing and left their house mad.
I ask what bothered him about the me and his mother sitch. He said that I was doing the whole assuming the worst thing and that he had to hear me complain about that kind of stuff again. I said, "I did what I was supposed to do-I was doing my own thing and not involving you. YOU asked me what was wrong." silence. (I did'n't say it bitchy, but ...give me a break...this is what we agreed to-if I get upset, I'm to deal with it myself. that's what I was doing!)
Furthermore, I know that work was really bothering h this week, but he didn't want to talk about it. He said that he just needs a vaca. I said, "well, we're camping in two weekends." He says, "but J will be being his butt-head self and if K&C go, they'll take their baby, and then there's the B/B whole interaction thing. (those 2 girls not getting along as well). Sheesh!
So, I hugged him several times and just tried to listen w/o offering "advice." I did ask him if he could take the monday off after the camping trip to have to himself. He even cried. We re-watched the movie since I fell asleep during it the night before and went to bed. This morn. he still seemed unhappy as he went to work.
I don't know what to do! Ok, not to be mean, but does he not see that he's responsible for his own feelings??? This is the man that was mad about me being upset about my job and not changing my job or my attitude. And, mad at me for not clearing the air w/o making assumptions...And, now he's assuming that all of HIS friends are going to misbehave on the camping trip??? What is going on???
I guess the positive is that he DID talk to me, I DID listen, we did NOT get into a fight, I was supportive and did not turn it back to me. It does seem that sometimes when I am emotionally stronger, that it becomes his turn to have emotions/get some things out.
My goals: 1. To act as if even if I have a prob. with someone ELSE. -deal with them accordingly and leave H out of it.
2. Give H space.
3. Be pleasant around him, let him talk if he wants to or be in a bad mood if he wants to be. No pressure/no expectations.
I think you handled things well and that was great that his mom looked you up and talked with you rather than letting that be a problem between you two.
Just curious as your H makes me think of D in a lot of ways.
Is his mom or his dad the one sort of the dominant personality in his family?
Are you ever on Yahoo anymore? I am still sometimes.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam, Thanks. I'm sure that I could have just talked to his mom w/o a prob. She & I get along fairly well.
She is the dominant one in the family. H's dad is very passive, but then has anger outbursts-not directed at her specifically but maybe a pill bottle that he can't open, etc. She has tried to boss me around, but I don't let her. H just lets it go in one ear and out the other.
So, H is EXTREMELY resistant to being controlled in our R. I know I shouldn't control him, but even making a suggestion or expressing any feelings towards him, sets him off (or shuts him down I could say).
I hardly ever IM, but check periodically. You are always welcome to email me!
Slowly 
). I came home, and he wasn't home yet. So I went to the pool to visit my sis and nephews. My sister is talking to me again after 3 years of estrangement. We may actually be friends again and doing stuff together! 
. It was great. We went to din, then decided to go home and watch a movie. He asked me if it was ok that we didn't go out and I said yes. 
We re-watched the movie since I fell asleep during it the night before and went to bed. This morn. he still seemed unhappy as he went to work.