Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW had an affair - hurt and confused

brizz,

You might want to read through some of Lim's posts. I think his situation has some similarities to yours.

She's a couponer and does donate extra items occasionally but she didn't even mean for this to be believed when she said it. However, when she last came to the house on 1/10, she said it again but this time it was serious. She had bought into her own BS that it was a plausible excuse.


Agreed, was a total last resort since she wouldn't leave and I knew her mom wouldn't listen to me.


No, not sexual at all. I think she meant criticism, which she's blown out of proportion. We'd exercise together sometimes and I'd tell her she needed to bend her knees more. She's constantly late so I'd try to keep her focused on managing her time better. Things like that. It wasn't anything malicious.


No, I read about it here and it also just felt like the right thing to do.


She and I both filed under insupportability assigning fault toward the other. Neither petition detailed the reasons -- it isn't required. My L wanted to file under adultery but I chose not to. I guess I didn't want to be vindictive.


Sleeplessness, low mood, difficulty concentrating, lack of interest in activities.


I know. I haven't directly said those things much. Mostly focused on the relationship and just trying to understand how we are at this point. My ultimate goal would be to get back the woman I knew for 14 years. Realistically, just looking for support and wisdom.

Thats fair. But why did you file? What was your intention?


I dont think being in contact has anything to do with this. Honestly, you talk a lot about the shortcomings of your wife, but I dont see much as to your own contributions to the downfall of your marriage in your postings. Without learning how to improve your relationships, why would you expect your next one to end differently? Honestly, I think EVERYONE should read Divorce Remedy.


For me, the best thing I did was to join some new things. Sure, friends and family time is important. But I found that it let me dwell on my situation. I went out and met new people that knew nothing of my ex or my situation. That freed me to be the person I wanted to be and really helped me get out of the 'funk' and maintain my PMA.

That's tough to answer. I very much don't want to divorce the woman I was with for 14 years. Every vision of my future was with that person. The current version of her is a totally different person.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because she didn't want to work on the marriage before and certainly not now. In December she didn't want to file for divorce herself but she made it clear she didn't think she'd change her mind towards me. Cake eating, I guess. So given she has a petition against me now, I think cancelling mine would do more harm than good. The ball is really in her court now.

If she already has one against you, then why cancel yours? Just let it go - will all end up in the same place, anyway.

Immediate reaction to being treated like garbage for almost a month, demonized to anyone she talked to, and cheated on. Finding out about the level of the A on top of everything else that had been going on was a huge blow. Reflecting on things and reading this forum has softened my stance on R if she comes out of the fog.


I'm definitely aware of my shortcomings and have detailed them to her. Not communicating on the bigger issues, not speaking her love language, needing to let the small things go. The usual stuff most people are guilty of in a relationship. I'll be picking up a copy of DR.


Good advice and definitely something I'm looking into doing.

The problem is that you arent going to repair anything through your words. Now is your time for actions. What will you do in yourself to make consistent change? Telling her youre 'going to change' is not really useful. Im sure youve done that many times before. But changing for her is not lasting. Plus, it will be seen as 'too little, too late'. So, now is a time to make improvements to yourself. How will you improve your listening skills? How about your ability to validate? Patience? Communication? etc

Instead of focusing on her and the D...focus on this stuff in your life.

I am going to work on improving myself. For me. The problem is I was already attentive, already was an engaged listener, already was affectionate, already helped out plenty around the house. But I do know there is always room for improvement. Communication on feelings and goals, the big issues, is something we both lacked and I need to work on. The talk we had on 12/10 was the first time things ever really came out into the open and at that point her motivation wasn't to fix things but to use those issues as an excuse to get out of the M without guilt over what was an EA at the time. Another big issue is my W doesn't think she has any problems, thinks she is perfect and projects everything onto me. But she and what she thinks is outside my circle of control. I can't worry about that or change it. I can only control myself and whatever happens, happens.

So what are your big goals in life? What do you dream about (outside of M)? What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? You don't have to answer here, but it seems like one of your issues is knowing what you think about the big issues, being in touch with them, and being able to share them with others. Outside of M, it seems like the best place to share these things is in some some of religious or non religious community where people discuss these things. Is there a venue in your life for this to happen? A best friend with whom you share your interior life (not your W)?

Hmmmmmmmmmm......