thank you in advance. A potted summary of my situation: (a) we have been together 26 years, married 20 (this year), one daughter. We are still "soulmates" (which makes everything so hard to compute) (b) as I read it, at staff Christmas party my wife is informed by a senior manager that he fancies her (she is a good listener and misread his closeness previously). After the initial shock she becomes flattered and then crosses the line (we've had a good conversation about this). I discover by accident over New Year what's going on (was expecting a Whatsapp photo on her phone, what I got instead was a long list of intimate messages. (c) had it out with her (more than once). All very calm and amicable although she naturally played down her side of the equation (yes he is a nice guy, yes she was flattered, he is very lonely). (d) I am afraid I have been reading her texts (not recommended I know) not out of paranoia or stalking but just to gauge the level of what appears to be quite a deep emotional affair. My wife has high morals (!) in that it would not go to the next stage (it is a work thing with no potential opportunities outside of that). (e) here is the rub. After our main "conversation" she said we should have a fresh start. Ever since then (and believe me I know when she is being insincere) we have become closer than ever. The physical side has also increased (I appreciate there could be various reasons for this but again this is definitely heartfelt). (f) the EA is heavy and still going on yet everything is so "normal" here. I just don't get it, we are getting on so well.
So is she compartmentalising (classic EA behavour, "not doing anything wrong" in her mind as it hasn't gone up to the next level, etc.).
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
the EA is heavy and still going on yet everything is so "normal" here. I just don't get it, we are getting on so well.
You will find that they are very, very adept at hiding it. It may/may not have crossed to the PA level. Let me ask you this - has your sex life changed in any form, as in dropped off/stopped or increased, maybe dramatically?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
not yet, esp as she doesn't know I'm monitoring the situation. That's my entire point, apart from the honeymoon period over CHristmas when she was addicted to her phone there has been no standoffishnesh whatsoever, i.e. completely normal behaviour. That's why I thought about the "compartment" theory. Yes, I hope I never meet the OM.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Ever since then (and believe me I know when she is being insincere) we have become closer than ever. The physical side has also increased (I appreciate there could be various reasons for this but again this is definitely heartfelt). (f) the EA is heavy and still going on yet everything is so "normal" here. I just don't get it, we are getting on so well.
She is hot & heavy for the OM (that's why your sex life has increased) and if the affair hasn't already gone physical, it's just around the corner. Her heighten excitement comes from her OM and it carries over into her soulmate relationship with you. As long as you allow her to have the OM in her life, then she's content to be wife and soulmate with you.......at least, for now.
So, everything is not normal. I can't say you are being deceived, b/c you know she's in an EA. Having an EA is very serious to women b/c it is about feelings & emotions.......which is usually the important part of a relationship, in most women's opinion. Whereas, some H's tend not to get too worked up about his W being in an EA, just as long as it doesn't go PA. To him, the physical side of the relationship is what counts most.
Would it be a deal breaker for you if you discovered the affair had turned physical?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Sandi Guess it would be a deal breaker unless there was an adult conversation to thrash out the reasons why. Strangely enough she confirmed one personality trait in one of her texts to him as she stated she was anti-adultery full stop on religious grounds (which is also why I thought our physical relationship was in "my" compartment).
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Hi all by way of an update the latest set of texts has confirmed my worst fears (and I'm afraid Sandi was bang on here particularly as my wife has used the increased sex not so much as to relieve her own pressure but to "distract" me). The physical affair is now tantalisingly close. She has let lust override whatever remaining morals she had left. So all they need is the opportunity outside of work hours. Anyway I digress. What I would appreciate most in terms of advice now is concerned with tactics. Our mutual cell phone company has an online portal for their app which works much like Whatsapp. We both deleted the app from our phones as we didn't need it but what she doesn't realise is that the texts never disappear online and I will make out it is autologon with presumably the same password as her normal phone account webpage (not that I care now if she falls for this or not). So I now have all the evidence I need (it has also been screeengrabbed into a Word file as backup). It would of course be nice to get Valentines Day out of the way first (I have spent quite a bit so as to appear to be a "normal" husband). So clearly I want it to come out into the open on her part (it remains to be seen whether the OM will have the guts to tell his wife). The complication will be the disruption/tidal wave at this end due to our 7 year old daughter who is loving her school and her friends (my wife might want to move her?) plus, would you believe, her mother also lives with us (that has always been a source of "marital harmony"). So would she panic knowing I know? Based on other threads I have read here I guess in essence the marriage is over? I think it's worth fighting for but it might have to come after they get it out of their system where the reality and ups and downs of a real relationship replaces the fantasy one. In any case I have to watch my health now as I have barely slept since New Year and I get a bit of chest pain from time to time. I have now arranged to see a therapist (I am in London so I assume the term is the same although technically he would be called a psychotherapist). So all suggestions would be most appreciated! with many thanks
Last edited by Cadet; 02/09/1706:05 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Hi all by way of an update the latest set of texts has confirmed my worst fears (and I'm afraid Sandi was bang on here particularly as she has used the increased sex not so much as to relieve her own pressure but to "distract" me). The physical affair is now tantalisingly close. She has let lust override whatever remaining morals she had left. So all they need is the opportunity outside of work hours. Anyway I digress. What I would appreciate most in terms of advice now is concerned with tactics. Our mutual cell company has an online portal for their app which works much like Whatsapp. We both deleted the apps from our phones as we didn't need it but what she doesn't realise is that the texts never disappear online and I will make out it is autologon with presumably the same password has her normal phone account webpage (not that I care now if she falls for this or not). So I now have all the evidence I need (it has also been screeengrabbed into a Word file as backup). It would of course be nice to get Valentines Day out of the way first (I have spent quite a bit so as to appear to be a "normal" husband). So clearly I want it to come out into the open on her part (it remains to be seen whether the OM will have the guts to tell his wife). The complication will be the disruption/tidal wave at this end due to our 7 year old daughter who is loving her school and her friends (my wife might want to move her?) plus, would you believe, her mother also lives with us (that has always been a source of "marital harmony"). So would she panic knowing I know? Based on other threads I have read here I guess in essence the marriage is over? I think it's worth fighting for but it might have to come after they get it out of their system where the reality and ups and downs of a real relationship replaces the fantasy one. In any case I have to watch my health now as I have barely slept since New Year and I get a bit of chest pain from time to time. I have now arranged to see a therapist (I am in London so I assume the term is the same although technically he would be called a psychotherapist). So all suggestions would be most appreciated! with many thanks
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
