Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie....Wife has left , Need Help

You wrote, "This woman is my world."

Im not questioning your faith but it worries me that you have revolved around her. Choose something else. Not a persom but work on spirituality.

After ur D, you most likely will cling on to another person and see them as your world.

Get to know yourself. Date yourself. What does JKR like? Build on ur GALs to help build ur self esteem.

[[ Pattern Repeating. She said, toward the end, that 'I was the same as her ex, only I made a lot more money'. Really close friends have told me in the past that she can't be made happy. ]]

Any idea if there is another man in the picture now? [[ she says NO]] although I'm 99% sure there was a EA possible PA for a few weeks right after she left. Same thing that happened in first marriage too.]]

Definitely didn't mean it that way. I'm a very independent person and I think that is part of why we are separated. I have been gone for a month at times with work and we might talk once a day. She is independent also, the difference is its like she always has something to prove. Almost a Napoleon complex. Can't take any criticizing, even constructive. She feels like everyone is out to get her. Even now, she thinks even the most thoughtful gesture on my part has an alterior motive.

I'm in the mindset of 'didn't realize what I had till I lost it'


Make any sense?

Honestly, everything she asked. Quit drinking. I am selling the business. Can't really spend more time with kids bc she doesn't want them at my house 'doesn't want to tell them what's going on bc she will have to deal with it daily' but I do try to. I have been communicating better. Literally everything she asked. It's like she comes up with more stuff everytime I accomplish something she wanted me to change. All she ever has tried to do was change me, and there wasn't that much to change. More so getting priorities in order, than changing on my part. Thinking back, she used to threaten divorce a lot when she was mad. It really bothered me how casually she thought of it. Maybe I'm a fool for wanting to be with her, but 90% of the time things were great. We were very compatible on all levels I felt. We had fun doing most anything.

Something else that might help understand her mental state is that she accepts ZERO responsibility for where we are.

Thoughts?

The answer to your question is in your own post.

Man, I would pay a million bucks to be in your shoes.

If she is your world, MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH to get her back. Get your act together one thousand percent -- get all the help you can get from book, counselors, pastors, etc -- to become a great guy. She'll see it, and want you back.

It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, but if you fail, then you get to do even a harder thing: a divorce. Do it man.... Wish you luck.

Forgump.......that's what she said the day she left. She has since filed for divorce. I agree, I have to give 1000 percent. And will.

Were you aware your W was unhappy enough that a friend could influence her to leave you? Unfortunately, female "friends" can have a lot of negative influence, especially if there exists some issues in the MR......and/or the friend is S/D from her H.



Why did they have a problem with you?



This ^^^^^^ is why I question those who are influencing her. Unless she feels intimidated when face to face with you.....why a different tone? Does she have her supporters with her when face to face? I'll bet that makes a difference.

She has been cold and resentful. What about rage?



She will probably speak in absolutes. You "always", you "never", etc.

In response to sandi2..

1) yes, but felt as I was generic. 'Help with kids more, be more involved, don't drink as much'. Kinda indirect and broad. Friend left at same time. They basically made each other's problems their own. Friend is morally casual at best, so you can kind of see where that went. Basically friend was what she wanted me to be, emotional support, help with the kids, going out on the town, etc.


2). Her parents are very conservative and opinionated. If you don't live as they live, it's wrong. Debt, drinking, owning a business, not helping with the kids enough, etc.


3)Fave to face is always just us two. It's like she is second guessing her decision to leave and file for divorce when we are in person, much nicer to me. On phone, yes, hateful, cold and with the right convo, rage!.

4.) is peaking in absolutes normal? What kind of mindset does that mean she is in?

From what I am reading in DR, I need to use LRT since she has left and filed....correct ?

So, if I am correct, this is what you have actually DONE since she left. Im not exactly sure what communicating better means, but these seem like a start.

The problem is, you cant just 'do what she asked' or it will come off as fake and only because she asked you. So, theres no way she can trust that it's a 'new you'. I would advise to keep doing these.

But what about your own goals? She has given you the gift of time to mold yourself into a new and improved you. So what have been some of her historical complaints? What qualities can you identify in yourself that could use some work? What did you want to do that you couldnt due to your marriage?

Also, how about your GAL? What are you doing to get yourself a life?

To answer your question below, LRT is fine, but it isnt going to 'bring her back' on its own. You need to do the work above; otherwise, if she does win up coming back, everything will just revert back to 'status quo' and youll probably be right back here.