Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

Hi Ccgrrl,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I read up on your sitch last night. Sounds like your H got a hold of the MLC script My H also encouraged me to get IC, while refusing any type of MC together. He wants me to be ok and get help dealing with this. Definitely an attempt to appease his own guilt. In their mind this will all be ok, and everyone will heal just fine, and we will all get over it, and the kids will be great!! (read intense sarcasm)

We never did in house separation, so I can't comment on that vs. physical. For me it was clear there was OW and he refused to stop seeing her. That was the red line for me. Love you, I can forgive you, I want to work on the M, but you cannot stay here if you are sleeping with another woman. He was leaving for a trip and left the day he got home. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do, but it was just something I could not face on a daily basis. My guess is the same as Job's that there is OW waiting - even if only in his imagination. "Run, escape, evade, into the arms of OW/OM" - Act 2 of MLC script right after Act 1, "ILYBINILWYA."

I think you are right on not condoning or giving permission for him to pursue other women. He will do it regardless if he is so inclined, so don't let him off easy by agreeing to it.

I am pretty new at this as well, so mostly I can offer understanding and hugs. I know how fresh and raw it still is. How much it hurts. Hang in there CC. Everyone here is there for you to vent to.

cc,

You might need to speak to a lawyer about the house issue. Maybe it can be stipulated that you and the kids live there until they are 18 and then either you buy him out or sell it at that time. How many years have you been in the home? You may be able to work something in the way of buying him out. I had my home appraised and bought my xh out of my home since my mortgage was very, very low. I certainly wouldn't even think of selling my home until the divorce was final. If you have to sell, it can be stipulated that you have "x" months to refinance or put it on the market. Now is not the time to even consider selling since this is only a trial separation.

What your h is doing is looking for ways to get his hands on money and he sees the house as the honey pot at the end of the rainbow. He's not looking any further than the tip of his nose and quite frankly, he doesn't give a fig about what it's going to cost to refinance, move, etc. His goal is to get the money, run and spend it any way that he can on whatever he wants, be it toys, travel, wooing the ow, etc.

cc, it doesn't matter whether you were the perfect wife, laid golden eggs or jumped through fire, he was destined to have a crisis at some point. It's all about him, his childhood and when he was stunted emotionally as a child. It's not YOU...it's HIM.

If you haven't already done so...make an appointment w/a lawyer and see just what you are entitled to as the spouse and what your children are entitled to. Don't allow this man to dictate to you what you are going to get...the law will tell you exactly what to expect and do not share that info w/him. This is info is for you to figure out what you will need to do.
Don't wait too long, as they do become even more selfish about things as they continue down the bunny trail.

Hi CC, well the first thing is he will be unable to sell the house without your permission if it was jointly bought and is in both your names. So, there is no need for you to move if that is not what you wish to do.

My XH wanted to sell the house and not really deal with anything else. I had moved out and it suited me to sell. However my L advised that it was our only asset in joint names and we had many further assets in his name only. Therefore it was important that I only agree to sell as part of an overall financial settlement.

I suggested that to XH and hoped we could agree separation arrangements, including finances and selling the house. However, he would only do this as part of a divorce and he ended up filing.

The main thing is - every situation is different. See a L ASAP and clearly understand your rights and any options. Let them know you want to stay in your home and you don't want to D. Then follow the advice given. You won't regret protecting your own interests and those of your family I promise you. Please don't be browbeaten by his wishes.

Take care xx

Hi cc,
I won't give you specific advice on house because there's plenty of good ones that have been given. I will say, the MLCer wants to escape. Run away from everything, and in your case selling the house is what he's come up with as the solution to get away. Money, too, to spend with potential OW is another possibility to add to the mix.
Of course, his thinking is not rational. Everything you are saying is rational. He's deep in MLC-land, coming up with irrational solutions that you simply will not be able to talk him out of or even get him to see your side. Right now, that won't happen, so definitely don't waste energy trying to get him to see the light. Hopefully he won't succeed out of legal reasons, but he will definitely throw fits and try to get you to agree to what he wants. If he could, he'd just go do it, but he can't, so he has to have a temper tantrum about it.

A common solution that the courts will often agree to, is for you to remain in the house with the kids until they are 18, YOU make the mortgage payment (think of it as a kind of "rent"), and when the youngest is 18, the house is sold and the profit is split 50:50 between you and ex.

Of course, you would be better off if you could buy him out of the house now, and keep that appreciation for yourself.

You need to speak to your attorney about your options.

Bear in mind, though, also, that if you try to keep the house, houses can be expensive when it comes to unexpected repairs, especially if your house is more than 10 years old. Don't try to keep the house if you will not be able to afford to fix roof leaks, buy new water heaters etc.

And definitely don't agree to a sale to go through until the divorce is final. This is your big bargaining chip, the courts will not force you to sell before ALL of your divorce agreement is in place.

My ex pushed me to sell our house right after he left (because he wanted to buy the duplex he was renting). I did go along with it because I knew I couldn't afford to buy him out of the house, but in retrospect I should have held out for a while - it put me in a bit of a precarious position, as we didn't finish our divorce until 1 1/2 years after the house sold, and while we sold at the bottom of the market, I would have been out of luck if the market had started to take off, since I couldn't buy a new house until the divorce was final. (I'm self-employed, and make enough to qualify on my own, but with the new more stringent lending rules after the crash, they didn't want to lend to me until the divorce was final and I had a year's worth of cancelled alimony checks!).

You need good advice from an attorney, don't agree to anything without legal advice.

CC...just checking in. Hope things are going ok with you. Keep us posted.

Thanks for all the great advice and support.. and thanks, SBJ for checking in.
I have been reading but not posting these past few days. To be honest, sometimes I found myself obsessively checking in here and I was starting to feel like that was not so healthy for me. I think it's important to vent and get support, but I also don't want to spend every waking hour focused entirely on my H's MLC and the anxiety I feel around our pending separation...

That being said, I did want to share that there were a few posts elsewhere that really really helped me find my kind of "detachment mantra" if you will. Under MLC Resources -> Letter from an MLC’er, there is a post by LanceSijan on 10/25/12 at 2:15 p.m. that includes a letter from Stayed’s H, a former MLCer. (sorry, don’t know how to directly link to that thread).

For whatever reason, that letter flicked a switch in me and I started to understand detachment, which enabled me to focus on the financial and childcare issues that we need to resolve in our trial separation agreement, regardless of our considerably charged emotions.

In addition, somewhere back in HaWho’s story she said:
“This time around what helped me to detach was to realize I don't want this guy. I don't know what the end product will be/if I will even want that. So I realize there is no point in trying to hold on to him. I am holding on for the sake of holding on.

I am also starting to realize that although I have work to do on myself, if this R is viable at some point in the future, I need things to change on his end, too. Who knows if he is even willing to see that and make any concessions on his end.”

This has served as a reminder that I, too, do not want this person back in my life. The person I want is the healthy version of my H, and he is somewhere in the fog, I believe, but he may or may not return.

UPDATE on our agreement..
We had a calm, rational discussion on the financial and childcare logistics without getting into much R talk. I felt closer to him than I’ve felt since he began IC. We were both very reasonable and flexible and have worked out most of the details for the agreement, which I will have to write up (because he’ll never do it… it’s just not his thing). I don’t feel there was any animosity or selfishness in this negotiated set of guidelines, so I feel comfortable signing it. The house is in both our names, so I know he cannot sell it without my permission.

I went to my own IC today, ( she is also an LMFT, btw), and she said it was striking how rational I am. I told her how much it changes day to day but that I have anxiety attacks 1 -3 times a day - something I’ve never had in my life prior to this. She says that’s good because I need to both deal with my emotions and the logical needs of my family. She gave me a lot of things to think about with regard to D, but also acknowledged that it’s too soon to tell and supported the trial separation idea.

I say my mantra every time I think about what H is doing or possible OW: “Drop the rope; let it go; get a new life”.
When I just have general anxiety about the future, I remind myself something I heard in yoga class: “Everything is interconnected; everything must change; and this, too, shall pass”.

H is moving out a week from Friday.

Next thing we need to do is tell the kids... Any suggestions on what helped kids cope with separation and uncertainty?

CC,

I would suggest that you both sit down w/the children and tell them together. If that can't be done, then he needs to speak to them and not leave the entire situation in your hands. I would suggest that you tell the children that "dad's going to be moving out for a while because he has some things that he needs to work on for himself." You do not need to go into detail about why or for how long. If they ask how long, you can always say for a while.

It's best to reassure them that they didn't do anything to make dad unhappy and that he loves them.

Hey ccgrrl - nothing to add really, just offering my thumbs up on how well you're handling this.


You and me both. I haven't updated my sitch in months, but I still read many threads as I find comfort in seeing how people are navigating through their spouse's MLC.


Sounds like you are digging in and doing the work. Sounds like the right path. I'm still trying, I still fail almost daily with it (my sitch is way worse than yours). Kudos to you ccgrrl - you're walking the path, however tough it gets. Great job, keep it going.

cc...just checking on you. I hope you are doing well. Keep us posted. Continued prayers are flowing your way.