BSB: There is some great advice here - don't worry I have none to give. Reading Zues126 thread was eyeopening. Many of us dream of getting a message as you have received. It's tough to be cool when you have something waved in front of you.
Be strong and stay cool.
You got this.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
I'm trying to be strong. She called and text again about meeting. I haven't responded yet. I just don't understand what questions she has that she can't ask me over the phone. I don't want to meet her at the house as it could lead to sex. I really am trying to stand my ground and say drop the divorce then we can talk.
Not knowing what she's wanting is driving me crazy.
Yes it will drive us crazy. There is lots of pulling you close and pushing away during this time of crisis. Whatever the timeline you have in your head to get through this - it will take so much longer.
Keep your text responses short and factual. Don't get into ping pong text messages. Meet in neutral locations if you feel that the meeting could escalate and or dissolve.
Fight your instinct to give an immediate response - no matter what the issue. Commit to getting an answer back in 24/48 hours you choose what works. Most important, meet that deadline.
A little bit of structure can help you get strength.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
I'm trying to be strong. She called and text again about meeting. I haven't responded yet. I just don't understand what questions she has that she can't ask me over the phone. I don't want to meet her at the house as it could lead to sex. I really am trying to stand my ground and say drop the divorce then we can talk.
Not knowing what she's wanting is driving me crazy.
It is called temperature checking. That's where the WW will say or do something to see how you will respond. Sometime (especially women) will turn on the tears, use physical touches, be all sweet & nice, on & on.....the list is almost endless. Here's the thing.....once she sees the H still wants her, and does not have a new girlfriend....she's right back to her wayward self. She never intended to do the right thing and doesn't want to do whatever is necessary to save the M.
Look, she heard you may be dating and it stirred up her jealousy....so she needs to make a little temp check and see if it is true......and to see if she can stir your feelings for her. That is why she is so "desperate" to see you in person! Many men have succumb to tempt checking, thinking the W was changing. They were in for a rude awakening.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank for for responding!! I couldn't agree more. I'm still standing my ground. She called again the last two last nights but I was busy so I didn't answer. She doesn't leave a message or text why she needs. Just that she needs to see me and talk and then she will revoke the divorce....
I think I would still agree to meet and talk but not while the divorce is still moving forward. I made this a boundary but like anyone in this situation I question myself.
Big difference in her approach from a month ago. One day at a time!!
Sitting here trying to wrap my thoughts. I've still not responded but I want too so bad. I know it's the wrong thing to do and I need to keep my boundaries but it's one of the hardest things I've done!!! I didn't expect her to want to see me again
Just the thought of being able to hold her again.... Just kinda down some tonight.
I'm trying to be strong. She called and text again about meeting. I haven't responded yet. I just don't understand what questions she has that she can't ask me over the phone. I don't want to meet her at the house as it could lead to sex. I really am trying to stand my ground and say drop the divorce then we can talk.
Not knowing what she's wanting is driving me crazy.
It is called temperature checking. That's where the WW will say or do something to see how you will respond. Sometime (especially women) will turn on the tears, use physical touches, be all sweet & nice, on & on.....the list is almost endless. Here's the thing.....once she sees the H still wants her, and does not have a new girlfriend....she's right back to her wayward self. She never intended to do the right thing and doesn't want to do whatever is necessary to save the M.
Look, she heard you may be dating and it stirred up her jealousy....so she needs to make a little temp check and see if it is true......and to see if she can stir your feelings for her. That is why she is so "desperate" to see you in person! Many men have succumb to tempt checking, thinking the W was changing. They were in for a rude awakening.
Excellent Sandi bookmarked,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Yes it will drive us crazy. There is lots of pulling you close and pushing away during this time of crisis. Whatever the timeline you have in your head to get through this - it will take so much longer.
Keep your text responses short and factual. Don't get into ping pong text messages. Meet in neutral locations if you feel that the meeting could escalate and or dissolve.
Fight your instinct to give an immediate response - no matter what the issue. Commit to getting an answer back in 24/48 hours you choose what works. Most important, meet that deadline.
A little bit of structure can help you get strength.
Good advice bigybix noted
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Hi bsb,i'm so sorry you are going through this, and my heart goes out to you. I'm going through a similar situation. My question for others here is, why does the wayward temperature check? is it purely to satisfy insecurity, or to punish? is there really no desire underneath it all to reconcile?
thanks
Married 6 years Separated 1 year Divorced 1/1/17 me 35 wife 30
