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Seeker,

Never, NEVER do anything like that. This is all about working on you for YOU. Because, if you "change" based on the hopes of winning another back and that fails, that leads to resentment. A lot of it.

Yah, I worded that wrong. I am detaching because of me to move on. Everything I am doing now is for me to grow. She will notice that I am detaching. I just hope she gets the impression of reality that will change her mind about the sitch.

Be careful on hoping too much, Seeker.

OK, I need some advice here. I am almost positive that my W hooked up with POM2 on Sunday when my kids were out of town. She is keeping it hidden but from all of us and all the signs are there and some mutual friends it is pretty sure. I am tired of playing the nice guy and not confronting her on this. That is not in my character. I never do this. She keeps telling me she is not having sex and not seeing anyone. She just tells me these things with out me even asking her about them. To me it is a sign of guilt. I know she is lying and I keep validating her. But I feel like a door mate now and it is bugging me. Should I stand my ground for my morals or just ignore it? Should I tell her that I do not stand for this?

I have not called her in 3 weeks and am not going to call her. But when she calls should I even mention my moral convictions on this?

From what a couple other people have mentioned is that she is just looking for hookups and not a relationship. I am not sure though.

Seeker, I'm sorry to hear that, my friend. Like you, I initially did the same. And it ate at me - because I had the foolish thinking that if I confronted, it would drive her away even more.



First and foremost, I suggest getting some proof before confrontation. In the even that she is having another affair, then it will drive them deeper down that rabbit hole. I agree, her telling you those things seems justification like. Just tell her that you won't be in a marriage where she is involved with someone else. And you will have to back it up - are you prepared to pull THAT trigger?

Doesn't matter if she is looking for hookups or a relationship. Truly, it does not. The fact is, she no longer respects you or the marriage. That should be your concern.

2x4 time. You feel like a door mat is because you are being treated like one. Period. I know, because I was there. Before I could pull the mat out, I had to learn and accept a few things. Its not going to be easy, my friend. Stay strong.

Thanks Jeep74, So the right thing to do then is to confront her? Even if it is to say that I know she is hooking up with OM. I am not worried about making her angry or pushing her further away if I am standing up for the right thing. I use to make her angry all the time but not for the right reasons. So bring up that I know that she is seeing OM is the right move?

I completely understand that she no longer respects me or the marriage. I also have let go and backed up. I am prepared to pull that trigger. I just want her to know my stance.

Others may disagree, but I believe that you should confront her and tell her that you won't be in a marriage with her when she is involved with someone else. After all, she can't work on the relationship when her mind is somewhere else.



There you go.

What do you want out of the confrontation? Look deep inside and answer that first. If it is just righteous anger and the opportunity to vent, then probably not. If it is so you can draw your boundaries,make them clear, and enforce them (assuming you are much more able to do this than I am), then that would be the reason.

As Jeep says, you should have proof, otherwise it is likely she will just look you in the eye and lie. Mine has done that so many times. Even though I suspect she knew I wouldn't ask pointed questions if I didn't already know the answers, she would still just lie. From what I have read this is common in a WW.

Best of luck with however you decide to proceed.

Thanks Woke_up, It is not about the confrontation. I do not hold anger and am very sad about the way she is going. I do not need to vent to her because I have other people in my support group that I vent to. The way I look at it, it is more about the boundaries and making a moral stance for what I think is right. I was not going to say she is with this OM. I was going to say that I know she is seeing OM and do not care what she tells me. I do have proof that she is seeing OM but am not going to mention how I have it because it came from my kids and mutual friends.

I'm sorry, Seeker.

You do need to pull that trigger. You aren't her doormat, nor should your family be. She made her own bed, let her fix it. You take care of yourself and your children. And you can't best do that while she is stepping on you on her way to the OM.