Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm Back :( #2

Laowai--

If your W magically came back to you, apologized, and wanted to resume your marriage as it was before the bomb drop, would you say yes?

W texted me again late last night and said Seeing as you have no desire to go with me would you like to swap dogs for the weekend?

Should I ask her if she actually WANTS me to go?

If not, I will probably do the dog swap because I definitely would like to see my little guy

Look Lao, she is laying it thick and sending you on all sorts of guilt trips. She is trying to make it sound like all of this is your fault.

I would ask her go out as what?

It looks like its working,I say don't go,let her know your serious and you don't need her,that's what its all about,just don't be nasty when you talk,

Why not tell her sorry but I'm going out with friends,that will hit the spot,

Well, I just told her that the dog swap "sounds like an awesome plan" She then replied "that's the response I expected...Later"

So clearly she was upset...But I'm not sure why...??? I responded "what does that mean?" Her response was "exactly what I said. Appreciate you being so accomodating. I'll let you know when I leave. Please have the dog ready so I can make the swap and leave. No need to waste time. Thanks again and have a good day."

What is your take on this exchange? Since I know her, these words clearly tell me that she is upset. My question is why? Should I ask her why she is upset? Isn't making her upset counter-intuitive to the overall goal?

My take on the exchange is she was trying to figure out if she still has you wrapped around her finger. When you didn't run right back into a social engagement with her and picked the option that suggested you'd rather just see the dog, she got mad/uneasy and turned on the Passive Aggressive Guilt Machine to ratchet up pressure on you. That pressure unfortunately worked, you cracked and couldn't keep yourself from the "what does it mean" follow up (pursuit), and she then felt secure enough to slap you with the cold (distancing) stuff about how the dog exchange will go down, just so you didn't get to thinking she's anything but fully in control and still has your balls in her purse.

Next time, if there is one, just say "sorry, I have plans with a friend" and let HER sit around wondering for a change. Hmmm, plans with "a friend"? What does that mean? Is that code for "I have a date"? He has a date? Is he moving on? Has HE rejected ME?

Listen -- she very likely isn't coming back. That's the reality for almost all of us LBS, even those who are really good at DB (and I most certainly DON'T count myself in that number). If you can make yourself accept that, even if that reality truly [censored], you can start to free yourself from what has become a very unhealthy, toxic attachment to your WW. It's still really bad betting odds that you'll save your M, but detaching, living your own (great) life without her and without constantly filtering everything you do, say and think through the prism of your relationship with her, is the only way that a new (better) relationship could ever be possible. She just isn't going to come back to anyone who never stopped pining for her and never once made her think he had other options and is, no matter what, going to be ok without her. It unfortunately doesn't work that way once things get to where they are for the two of you. Your loyalty -- which should be a huge point in your favor (and is, outside of this R, right now) -- is actually a hindrance to what you're trying to accomplish. Let it go. Let her go.

This is your problem. It honestly doesnt matter why she is upset.


Sending this is a complete waste of your breath. Stop pursuing her to get all of the details of what she's thinking. 1) It doesnt matter, 2) Shes probably lying and 3) She doesnt even KNOW what it means.

If shes upset, LET HER BE UPSET.


NO. NO. NO.

You. Cant. Nice. Her. Back.

She will likely get upset, but you need to be calm, steady, and CONSISTENT. She's going to react how she's going to react. YOU need to act for what is right according to your moral code and whats best for you.

I think you should've asked DO I WANT TO GO TO THIS THING?

And don't wonder about what your answer is going to mean to your W.

Two favorite cards the WW uses the most are the control and the guit.
She will either accuse you of controlling her, or she will play on your guilt.