Even looking for something to 'try and move the process forwards' is seeking to control that which you can't control. Rather than seeking to 'move along' the marital situation, try and focus on your side of the street.
For the LBS that is all around processing the hurt and slowly recovering, rebuilding yourself. Reconnecting with friends and activities you previously enjoyed and may have dropped. Really thinking about what you want from life. And using the difficult situation to grow as a person too..Surviving this and thriving independent of what your spouse may do.
I think whether or not people reconnect and when depends on a complex set of variables - how good was the M, how long were you together, whether you have kids, how messed up the WAS is, how 'together' the LBS is, how things unfold with OP, whether OP stays on the scene and so on....often things with the OP need to run their course..and the very fact that someone was willing to be an OP means they are probably not in a great place within themselves. I don't believe you choose to be an OP if you are in a good place, with healthy self regard and self esteem.
You get to control about 10% of all of the above would be my estimate. And I think if you focus on 'not making things worse' and 'working on you' and 'letting her be' - this is the way to go...things will unfold in time. I came to see that XH will live his life as he sees fit and that's up to him. I don't believe that OW won any sort of prize, tempting away a much older man from his marriage. I don't believe XH won any sort of prize, picking up OW, whose last R was also an affair which broke up a family and then she cheated on him.
But that stuff is all up to them. I just live my life in the best way I can and with an open heart, you know?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Even looking for something to 'try and move the process forwards' is seeking to control that which you can't control. Rather than seeking to 'move along' the marital situation, try and focus on your side of the street.
For the LBS that is all around processing the hurt and slowly recovering, rebuilding yourself. Reconnecting with friends and activities you previously enjoyed and may have dropped. Really thinking about what you want from life. And using the difficult situation to grow as a person too..Surviving this and thriving independent of what your spouse may do.
I think whether or not people reconnect and when depends on a complex set of variables - how good was the M, how long were you together, whether you have kids, how messed up the WAS is, how 'together' the LBS is, how things unfold with OP, whether OP stays on the scene and so on....often things with the OP need to run their course..and the very fact that someone was willing to be an OP means they are probably not in a great place within themselves. I don't believe you choose to be an OP if you are in a good place, with healthy self regard and self esteem.
You get to control about 10% of all of the above would be my estimate. And I think if you focus on 'not making things worse' and 'working on you' and 'letting her be' - this is the way to go...things will unfold in time. I came to see that XH will live his life as he sees fit and that's up to him. I don't believe that OW won any sort of prize, tempting away a much older man from his marriage. I don't believe XH won any sort of prize, picking up OW, whose last R was also an affair which broke up a family and then she cheated on him.
But that stuff is all up to them. I just live my life in the best way I can and with an open heart, you know?
Good advice sotto,sounds right to me,I agree with everything you said,its just a shame about all the damage that gets done to the family's for ever,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Well, things with OM have been going strong for 7 months with no signs of slowing down. Eventually there has to come a time to poke the bear, right?
Also, at some point this method of going dark/letting her be has to wear on her as well right? I mean eventually she will just say, "OK he clearly doesn't care about me anymore so what is the point." I understand much of DB is counterintuitive, but I just have to wonder if this won't eventually shut a door.
7 months isn't that long when you bear in mind that the feelings of limerance can last up to 2-3 years, during which decision making can be rather foggy. XH and OW have been together for almost 3 years now.
So, what would 'poking the bear' look like to you and how do you think it would help?
With going dark and letting her go, she may initially be thrilled about this as she can pursue whatever she wants without you on her shoulder getting her attention. However, knowing that you are healing and moving on with your own life is actually more likely to get her thinking. Particularly if you are out and about doing some new things with new folk rather than sitting at home hoping she will call.
By this I don't mean dating or hanging out in bars - but I do mean joining the local cycling club if that's what you enjoy - or taking a language class - or going to Meetups - or a film group - or whatever..
Do you see that your posts are all still focused on her and we are encouraging you to focus on you? (I'm not poking you - I know it isn't easy - just making you aware.) It's just that the whole poking the bear, trying to control thing is a cheeseless tunnel you don't need to be in.
Leave her be on her own side of the street and set about creating the life you want for yourself. Believe you me, if she wants to catch you up, she will let you know :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, things with OM have been going strong for 7 months with no signs of slowing down. Eventually there has to come a time to poke the bear, right?
Also, at some point this method of going dark/letting her be has to wear on her as well right? I mean eventually she will just say, "OK he clearly doesn't care about me anymore so what is the point." I understand much of DB is counterintuitive, but I just have to wonder if this won't eventually shut a door.
Read what sotto said that is excactly right advice,you need to let the affair burn out,for her to learn a lesson but no guarantees how longs is a piece of string,I think if you poke it could backfire,ATM the op means more than you to her so your kinda waisting your time poking,I don't think it will work but its up to you,I've read a tippicle affair can last from 3 to 24 months,but some last for ever,there is about 4 stages to the average affair,first few months is the honey moon period they get a kinda high like on drugs chemicals flow around there brains like hormones,,so you need to give it time and hope the novelty wares off,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Well, things with OM have been going strong for 7 months with no signs of slowing down. Eventually there has to come a time to poke the bear, right?
Also, at some point this method of going dark/letting her be has to wear on her as well right? I mean eventually she will just say, "OK he clearly doesn't care about me anymore so what is the point." I understand much of DB is counterintuitive, but I just have to wonder if this won't eventually shut a door.
Read what sotto said that is excactly right advice,you need to let the affair burn out,for her to learn a lesson but no guarantees how longs is a piece of string,I think if you poke it could backfire,ATM the op means more than you to her so your kinda waisting your time poking,I don't think it will work but its up to you,I've read a tippicle affair can last from 3 to 24 months,but some last for ever,there is about 4 stages to the average affair,first few months is the honey moon period they get a kinda high like on drugs chemicals flow around there brains like hormones,,so you need to give it time and hope the novelty wares off,
Forgot to say my w as been in the tunnel for 5 years,but her time is running out soon I will not be there for her even if she comes out,I am slowly closing the door on her,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
There's something about that age... my WW is 34, and also really concerned that she is getting old. They should try being 46
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
So, I turned down a (pseudo) offer to go to my W's parents house for her dad's birthday this weekend. Her response was "glad you're not struggling with your decision"
This has happened in the past where I don't agree to do something with her and she pulls out the "you're the one that said you want to spend more time with me, and now you brush me off" card. While this is a true statement, immediately after bomb drop I did say that and I meant it. I am not sure what the right thing to do anymore is........
She will turn anything and everything against you and will without a doubt come to the conclusion that she tried to stay in the marriage but you were just dead set against it. She will have her justifications and leave you scratching your head what just happened and if you were not told what would happen, you might actually end up believing her [censored].
