I have this incessant feeling of need to take some kind of action relatively soon. I understand this would not be advisable so that's why I am venting about it. I feel like I have waited long enough for W to come to her senses. It really makes me angry that she has pretty much moved on to another relationship while I sit idly by waiting to see if she comes back (in regards to a relationship,not GAL). I feel like it's time to apply pressure.
Why do you feel you arent taking action? Letting her to live her life without your pursuit IS an action. ts a conscious choice you are making and it is the best thing for your relationship with her.
I think it's your point of view. You are expressing that you feel like you are 'idle'. But you are actively choosing to not pursue or pressure her. That IS action...and it's probably the best one you could do.
Your need to "take action" is just a gimmick to try and get a reaction from your W and/or end your hurt. It will not work. You have to find the way to shed the fear of being alone. You have to learn to love to be by yourself.
Just for reference, there are a fair amount of success stories on other forums as well. Those websites have some things in common with DB'ing, but they also have some additional things that I suppose we would call "tactics" here. Confrontation, Exposure, Filing for D having served public, ect. So I have to wonder if these are not viable options. I know we say do what works....but who knows what works without doing them. I suppose my question is how long do I do the method that I am doing now before I move on to a different method such as one of the above options?
The POINT is that do not do ANYTHING to invoke a reaction from W. Once done these actions can not be revoked. As you said, there are some success stories, but I assure you, there are even more stories of this blowing up in your face.
I believe that there comes a time, when you are just done, done with this $hit and then you say, OK, let's rock. But you are just a couple of months into it and have waaaaaaaays to go. Getting D'd will not lessen you pain...
Well, to be fair, "like she is doing" is with another partner. I would be breaking my marriage vows if I did that. Plus, I still have too many feelings for her to involve another person in any romantic/emotional way. Although, I do feel like it would ease the pain, it would be a huge injustice to whoever was on the receiving end of that relationship right now.
Just hurting and venting. Tired of being lonely and it's only been 5 months.
One huge accomplishment: Yesterday marks 5 months with no alcohol. That is a huge milestone, especially with everything that has been going on.
Sorrry I did not mean it like that,I meant just go and have fun there's lots of things you can do and it will help you heal and take your mind of your spouse,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
The POINT is that do not do ANYTHING to invoke a reaction from W. Once done these actions can not be revoked. As you said, there are some success stories, but I assure you, there are even more stories of this blowing up in your face.
I believe that there comes a time, when you are just done, done with this $hit and then you say, OK, let's rock. But you are just a couple of months into it and have waaaaaaaays to go. Getting D'd will not lessen you pain...
I am 7 months post D-Day. 5 months separated (she moved into her own apartment.)
I understand the urge to do something. But be aware there isn't a magic bullet to find here. Being on multiple forums can be a bit confusing but if you are on this one, we are going to advice within the DB framework.
In my situation I never regretted doing nothing WRT XH. And yes I am D'd, but there we are. Situations don't normally resolve quickly and is they do it may not be a good thing. Your W could choose to return while still in a WW mindset with you not strong enough to deal with what comes with that.
I found strength in doing nothing and it has helped me let others live their lives more and stop trying to control things - a big benefit! Plough your energy into doing things for yourself just now. Make a plan to something nice this week or next independent of her, okay?? X
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The POINT is that do not do ANYTHING to invoke a reaction from W. Once done these actions can not be revoked. As you said, there are some success stories, but I assure you, there are even more stories of this blowing up in your face.
I believe that there comes a time, when you are just done, done with this $hit and then you say, OK, let's rock. But you are just a couple of months into it and have waaaaaaaays to go. Getting D'd will not lessen you pain...
I am 7 months post D-Day. 5 months separated (she moved into her own apartment.)
Obviously I cannot speak for you, but when I was 6 months post BD reality hit me hardest. I could not sleep, I could not eat, I lost 20 pounds and I had all sorts of crazy thoughts. I tried to date, but it turned out I was not even remotely ready. I worked out, I hiked, I laughed and I cried and I got through. I would imagine you are feeling pretty much same. What I'm trying to convey, it is normal if you are feeling all of this or pretty much anything. It is IMO one of the hardest experiences one can go through...
@Sotto: I certainly appreciate your perspective on this. I agree that being on multiple forums is a bit confusin at times. I am one of those people that likes to investigate every possible angle of a situation and resolution. It is a challenge though to know which advice to take from which forum. I will say that the people on this board have more of soft approach than the people on the other boards that I have visited, but I don't know that is necessarily a good or bad thing. I'm not looking for a silver bullet as I know regardless it will be a long process. I am looking for something that will start that process moving forward...one way or the other. Currently I'm in "limbo", while she's out getting love from another man with no consequences. I am definitely working on GAL as I have been going out with friends as much as they can tolerate me and I have been exercising at least once a day, but it still doesn't feel like "enough".
@Vapo: I would say that immediately after she moved out was when reality hit me the hardest. That or the first time I found out she was at OM's house after she moved out to "find herself and who she is". However, I definitely feel like I am pretty close to that level of emotional destruction right now. I can't really lose anymore weight haha, I would probably die. I went from 180 the day of bomb drop to 132 today. (Lost 48 punds in about 3 months and have pretty much stayed there). Sleeping has gotten a bit better with the help of some medication. Eating though has still been extremely hit or miss.
