Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives I'm here so I don't get fined.

Journaling a bit, but need your help, folks.

So Christmas was different, but no tears. Had the kids Xmas eve day, and the early morning of xmas. went well, but very tired.
Kids were happy. Made them breakfast. Went to xmas morning service - for someone who's a weekly church goer, it was the first xmas morning service I've been to. It was great!

The advice I need is in regards to the lovely woman I met. She goes to church with me, has raised her two daughters on her own for the last 8 years, has a great job, and we have a great time together. At the end of the second date, sparks flew, and I think both of us knew we were having some big time feelings. I had trouble with my emotions after saying goodnight (kissing, yes, lots), and she said she had a hard time after as well. We've been texting a lot more, and another date is set for Friday.

My problem - I think limerence has started, my brain thinks of her often, and this is a woman I can't have as my rebound - she is way too nice, and has been through a lot in the last 8 years. Our love languages match much better than my ex-wife, we have fun together, she's a terrific mom to her girls, we have the same faith...

This dating thing was a lot easier when I could think logically, keeping my wits about me. We have both have stressed to each other to take things slow.

I now see how truly difficult that can be for someone coming out of a 16 year relationship. The heart wants to jump ahead of the mind, and I'm constantly having to pull on the reins.

Any tips for me, those who have gotten through the D, waited a bit, and then found someone? I made myself wait 6 months, did lots of counseling, grieved the loss, and really started to feel like I was moving on. The feelings I have for her can be overwhealming, and if I'm honest, it scares me. Too much emotion, too much wanting this to work. And as long as I've known her, I thought she was beautiful, a nice woman at church, great kids, wanted to get to know her better, but she was pretty shy, and well, I was MARRIED. The line was never crossed - with anyone - so she was off-limits.

Now, she's not. And she's such a sweetheart, with a soul that is an optimist at heart (vs. my EX-WW, who was a huge pessimist), fun to be with, and really just checks almost all the boxes I had for a future spouse.

The snowball is rolling so fast in my heart, I want it to stop. I want an authentic relationship with her, with having lots of tough questions answered between us. She isn't some flamboyant person - her and I are very complimentary, she's a huge planner, I'm a pretty conservative guy... so this isn't some significant other with an expiration date.

Is just knowing that we need to take it slow enough? Do I put the brakes on the relationship? I dated two women in my life - one for 4 years, and my ex-wife for 18 or so. I'm not a dater, I look for someone I could make long-term commitments to. She is one that I could, in my mind.

My brain is mush. Too many endorphines. This love thing, it can really mess you up.

Well, here's some advice from an experienced post-divorce dater:

- first, as you've already acknowledged, you're in the infatuation stage. Don't mistake it for anything else yet. Take time to get to know her, and don't jump into sex before you know who she really is.

- You do have some things going for you - that you already knew her for some time prior (so her character etc are not complete unknowns) and you've put in your time on your marriage (although your divorce went quickly, you had a couple years prior of dealing with her infidelities etc.)

- You also have a couple things going against you - a predisposition towards addiction (nothing more addictive than those infatuation endorphins) and a lack of dating experience (you have relatively little to compare this relationship to.)

As fun as that "immediate falling in love" feeling can be, know that it is just that - a feeling - and that it is entirely possible to have that feeling for someone who can turn out to be a terrible match. So while I want you to enjoy that feeling, just don't move too fast. Once you are sleeping together it can be impossible to distinguish lust from love. And once you are really in a relationship, do NOT be in a hurry to remarry. It usually takes 2-3 years to really get to know someone and know that the difference between the idealized image in your mind and the real person in front of you. Likewise for her. If she is willing to jump in before she truly knows who you are, you have to worry that she is just falling in love with her IMAGE of who she thinks you are.

All of that being said - it sounds like she's a good catch and someone that you already know something about. Enjoy the mutual admiration. But don't fall into addictive thinking about it. (Do you go to SLAA meetings? If not, they might be helpful for you. I have a friend who goes - not a sex addict but a little bit of a love addict - and it help keep her grounded she says - otherwise she can go right into a whole fantasy life around a new date before she even knows who he really is).

You haven't had enough dating experience to have learned that - sometimes that person who looks great in the beginning will turn out to have a fatal flaw that you don't discover until months or a year or two in. Keep your eyes open for red flags and have serious discussions with her about goals, values, etc. to make sure you are both headed in the same direction. Also, make sure you understand why her last marriage broke up.

And lastly - make sure you are not being attracted to the same type of person/problems that has gotten you in trouble in the past. It doesn't sound like it, but many of us will find ourselves repeating old dysfunctional patterns in picking our mates unless we've really worked through our stuff.

kml,

Awesome advise. Yeah, from the year of counseling, and the addiction's mens group I went to for almost a year, we worked extensively on the topic of recognizing, understanding, and processing feelings. They can come and go - but my thoughts override feelings, and my beliefs override my thoughts. At least that's what I discovered. So, having intense feelings now gets me to really think - what are they? Is it a comfortable or uncomfortable feeling? And while processing them, let them pass. They always do.

I was sitting in my vehicle, after the date, and realized I had too much emotion running through me. It wasn't what I call a great feeling - more of like raw adrenaline. And that I wasn't in complete control of them. Some people love the unbridaled, go-crazy feeling. At 40 years old, it made me a bit scared. I now think I wasn't able to process them all at the time. This strong of a reaction really hasn't happened in my life - not to that effect. I'm on an SSRI, had a couple drinks, so the reaction could have been 'enhanced'.

She is a great catch, and that's why I'm so nervous. I feel like I'm the broken one, at least in some respects - still finishing my healing. She had years of healing, and a bad engagement in there as well. She knows what she's looking for in a better sense than I do. I've had a few friends really close to me tell me I'm ready to date, so I got up the courage and asked her.

Having known her for a few years, and conversed with her, I didn't see any red flags. Yet, I think hard questions will need to happen in the dates coming up. And I have to bring up my addiction. That, my friends, will be hard, but necessary.

Seems good to me, this is ok, and what's wrong with limmerance?

Go enjoy it.

V

V,

Your opinion means a lot to me.

Thank you for your input.

I had too much time on my hands Xmas day. And not enough sleep.
A day of work has settled me down. Still excited to see her on Friday.

trumpet,

The best advice I can give you is to dump her immediately and send her my way.

Don't worry Doodler will only want to skinny dip.

V

Well yeah, I guess that's true. In my defense, skinny dipping beats the heck out of boring dating conversation and it's free. Hmmm...that makes me shallow and cheap. Could that be correlated to my marital status?

So, journaling:

Had a very busy week of work - end of year sales job, always crazy. Looked forward to date at my place with my potential 'significant other'. The convo went deeper than anticipated, and I think we're moving forward. I guess date #4 will have more of that discussion.

I reduced my SSRI, after bumping it up a few weeks ago. The insomnia stopped for the most part - but not last night, as after I spend time with her, my mind races. We did have some very 'intimate' moments, but nothing carnal... so doodler, sorry to disappoint. Yet, we realize we have a huge spark, and she mentioned she hasn't felt like this since high school. I keep looking at her and not seeing my physical 'ideal', but I'm very attracted to her, and in ways that would be life-long - conversation, personality, kindness, our faith. Things that would keep a relationship moving. Make no mistake, the physical is there, but I've always had a thing for brown eyes - she's blue. She's more of dishwater blond - me, always been a sucker for brunettes. Maybe as we get older, we see past the physical pettiness, and see the deeper soul that really matters?

Either way, I know I don't think much about EX-WW. My brain is now on constant new girl. And I have a smile on my face. Having custody schedules means we get together once a week. And after thinking about it, it's probably a strength for me (I have time for my kids and myself, and am able to 'pump the brakes' on my emotions), as well as curse (would need more time with her to really form the serious connection). I think she might be the one - but it's been 7 months since the divorce, so that screams REBOUND. It does to her, and it does to me. We're committed to taking it slow... but realizing the first relationship after a divorce can be very emotionally heightened, I'm really focused on processing my emotions, and trying to keep a level head.

I think the next time we get together we're going to do something fun - take a walk, do an activity, go to a party. Just spending time together to keep the conversation moving vs. the deep and meaningful.

Wow, okay, so actually on my way to your city to perform with a band for NYE. No I'm not driving and it's our second gig today so I'm texting this out in the back seat. Lol

I'm clearly no expert but have dated more than 2 woman, h@ll more than 50 I'm betting from 16 on so... Here goes. Take it for what it's worth

Red flags - red flags all over the place. First of all I would have suggested waiting a year. Many "experts" would agree. Then dude, it's a second date and you think she may be the one? Huh? How is that possible! Think about it.

Next I so often hear people say they will take things slow. But it's just talk as they speed ahead. Talk is easy - I always pay attention to actions and behavior.

Stop playing with your medications! You are not a doctor and self medicating is a hallmark of addiction. An SSRI, even with alcohol will not increase feelings. It does not work that way. If you think you need a dose adjust, talk with your doctor about that.

I'm less sure how to help you with what to do. You are just not in a place to be getting in a new R. If you were, you would not be in love and thinking she's the one after two dates. I just don't know what to suggest to slow things down other than setting and keeping boundaries for yourself. Perhaps no more than two dates a week? No sex for six months?

It's certainly possible she is the one. Anything is possible. But dude, what are the odds that the first person you date twice is really the one? Look at the rest of us on here. Is it possible you really got that lucky or more likely that it's everything else at play? I'm betting whomever your first infatuation was, you'd think she was the one. It just happens to be this woman. Something tells me you could gave picked a thousand "the ones" at this point in your journey.

I tend to think that there would be little risk if you really did take things slow but we both know that won't happen will it? I've seen this with others IRL. There are those who will latch on to the very first person, feeling they are the one. You admit you've done that all your life or twice in your life but you get the point. There is no way you are healed from your D yet, just no way. And that will color things big time, making it feel like you're feeling.

I hate to be the Donny downer here. And again take it for what it's worth. I have no crystal ball nor am I any expert. I just see the red flags and have seen this with others. They too felt the exact same way over and over again every year or two.

Finally, blond, blue eyes? H@ll send her my way - totally my type. Lol

Mix my comments up with all the others and do what you will with them. I honestly wish the best for you. I'm just afraid for you based on where you are at.

Okay, time to get the party started here in Madison.