Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis As the new year begins, my marriage will end

I love that verse SBJ
FOR WE Walk by faith, not by sight
Thank you and that is exactly what I needed to hear today

C
Yes keep expectations low..but be yourself
upbeat. positive
she may start a fight now because she feels too close
if she does,,try to not react
practice your new skills

Wow peace,

You were dead on. She just announced she is going out with her friends to a local bar on Thursday night but that we can go out together on Friday night. I of course, reacted, and she immediately got angry and told me I was trying to control her if I asked her not to go.

I cant be married to a woman who wants to go to bars alone and with friends every week. I suspect she is looking for a rich man to solve all of her problems. I am going to speak to her tonight when she gets home.

She may or may not be looking for a rich man, especially if she's going out w/her friends. She may be going on for a good time and drinking/partying only at the moment.

My advice still stands, you can't control her. Speaking to her isn't going to do any good. In fact, it may make the situation even worse because the more you try to reason w/her about her behavior the more she's going to do it. The best thing you can do is ignore her, don't say anything about her night out and leave her be. As I have pointed out before, you are not her father or her employer. Step back, give her the space she needs. I know you don't like her behavior, but you have absolutely no control over her...but you do have control over how you react to her behavior.

Try to keep the focus on you. In fact, why don't you go out Thursday evening? You could go to a movie, get a cup of coffee, take in the Christmas sights, etc. Just remember, teenagers will try your patience and that's what your wife is doing right now. Breathe, dig deeper for patience.

BTW, the more you try to control her behavior, the more justification you are providing to her as to why she needs to do what she's doing and possibly a separation/divorce. Take that justification away from her. Do a 180 and wish her a pleasant evening when she goes out. It will make her wonder what you are up to.

Just my two cents.

Oh no! The more you talk to her the worse things will get in that she will perceive you as further trying to control her. This is why I asked if you've done all he reading. Look at Sandi's rules!

Herein lies the problem: emotionally and mentally she is a teen BUT with all the rights of an adult woman in a free, westernized country. She is not doing anything illegal. She has every right to behave very badly. She has free will.

My advice? Politely (no passive aggressive or confrontational behavior) tell her you have other plans on Friday and tell her to have fun (and be genuine). Then, go out and do something by yourself and don't question her about her night.

I know you want to go out with her, probably to "bond," but you said yourself it leads to arguments. Most likely you are not detached enough to go and hang out with no expectations. And who could blame you as this is all pretty new.

Just my humble opinion.

Canefan,

I'm sorry, but you do come across as controlling to me. Why do you think she wants to find a rich man?

Maybe she just wants to let her hair down and have some fun? I can understand you being the type to put your foot down. My dad was exactly the same with my mum.

He died 30 years ago......she never wanted to be with another man again. She's now 85.

Do you think it's really a good idea to speak to her tonight?

I read somewhere on here that was really thought provoking.......'do you want to be right, or be happy'.

Im really not controlling. I have always let her do what she wanted. Then came the affair. I have trust issues as I am sure we all do. I guess I am a failure at standing. I just cant stomach the thought of her at bar talking to every man in sight.

I know she does this because I have been with her when she does. She claims shejust likes to meet people but I am not really buying that. One of our "problems" is she feels that I dont make enough money to make her feel secure. I make a decent living(120-135k). Her bar of choice is where the "elite" people in this town hang out.

I have read almost every page of this forum back to 2007. Im just not good at applying what I learn

Ok, well, her view that you don't make enough money to make her secure is awful!! Your worth is not tied to the zeros behind your name. Other people do not determine your worth.

The WAW or MLCer will ALWAYS view the LBS as controlling. But, honestly, your arguing about her going out is controlling as she is separate from you and hard as it is, free to make awful choices. You control how you react but you can't control her.

Can you tell us all what you do like about her? What was good in your relationship prior to this? Was she meeting your emotional needs?

Lastly, if she goes out and flirts in front of you, why put yourself through that torture?

Oh and you are not a failure at standing!!!

Great questions. I really dont like alot about her currently. Im pretty sure that the affair made me see her as more desirable as weird as that sounds. She is a gymrat now and is training for a fitness comp in March. She looks great.

I was really a confident guy before all this. The times we have been out together I have had several other women try to pick me up.

Before all this we had very similar dreams. We have 4 beautiful children who I dont want to come from a broken home as I did. She has a good personality. She is a hard worker. She was a very good mother but now her freedom and whims have tarnished that a bit. She left them twice alone when I was out of town on business 2 weeks ago. She tries to be their friend now as opposed to their Mom. She plays pop music and sings and dances constantly. Sanpchats, wears the same clothes they do etc.

I know this is the wrong forum but I think a big part of it is that I am afraid to be alone. I do still love her but I question the quality of that love and if isnt some dysfunction on my part. A big part of my wants to tell her to go ahead with the divorce. She did meet my emotional needs for years but I was pretty easy to please in that department. Since BD, I needed way more than she was willing to provide.

It's funny, as I was thinking exactly what Westo then wrote - was going to say it myself. First off we are all on your side here, we want you to succeed not beat you up. Thing is, many of us don't see ourselves like others do. Controlling? Us? Hell no, in fact you "let her" do what she's wanted to. You "let her" did you? You don't even see the irony in that statement, and now will likely say, that's not what you meant, but oh it is.

No two ways around it, the MLC and WAW do all sorts of really bad and destructive things but even so, it takes two to run a M off into the ditch. She wants to go out but you are not going to allow that - right! Sounds like her father but who wants to F their father?

The best thing you can do, just as others have tried to tell you, is BACK THE HELL OFF on all of this. Or... Do you really love and want to be M to this woman or just not want to be alone? Even when asked you can't tell us what you loved about her. Clearly at the moment there is far less to love but about when you met, when you first married? What attracted her to you?

I'm just saying if some of us can feel it in your written words, she has to feel it in person. How much fun are you to live with? We all have to look at these things about ourselves, even in the face of a WAW/MLC doing really bad things.