Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Slowly losing my wife (2)

ok, saying that I admire him was stupid. But, he hasn't encourages her behavior which is good I guess.

Nothing has changed yet. My wife doesn't know that I know what she is doing. She currently sees me a just being patient while she works out her issues from the abortion. It's possible that she doesn't even think her flirting is wrong. I haven't known for long and I was trying not to bring everything out in the open before I was ready. The more I talk on this forum the more I realize that I am in a place where I might do this all very poorly. I'm more ready than I was a month ago at least.

I recognize it. Trying to wrap my head around it good enough that I can stand up for myself properly.

Remember - its less about words and more about actions.

Let me ask you something. If she discovered you were continually flirting with another woman.......would she see it as being wrong? Would she accept as just being playful and nothing serious.......or would she be hurt/angry? There is an old saying that goes, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander". Does she have a set of different rules for you?

How about giving us an update, Lex. Are you okay?

I'm not sure currently. I know that in the past good years of our relationship she would not have accepted it. she would probably still not like it now.

Update is coming shortly. We had been busy over the holiday and I did not have private computer time.

I think the main thing that I have realized over the holiday is that the W has compartmentalized our relationship. We had a great holiday. Took the kids to an indoor water park for xmas and my mother visited for a few days after that. Went downtown and celebrated new years and took the kids roller skating the next day. All of this went really well and my day-to-day life is very good. any external observer would think that we have a great relationship.

At night I'm still informed that "it's different now" and "I don't think I like sex anymore" She will turn away from my kissing and tell me that I am being weird if I try to be physical with her.

I feel somewhat insane about this. Like maybe I should be accepting of this situation. I have reached a kind of acceptance of loss but I have a low grade sadness that is with me everyday.

we actually did have sex a few times but it was strange and forced on her part. the first time she was still mad at me the next morning and said she felt like someone was performing surgery on her, but not enraged like some of our past attempts. she cooled off and we kept the good times going for the holiday. the second time when it was about to start she said "I will be mad at you in the morning. aren't you tired of all the pressure?" we did it anyway and finished very quickly in stead of taking a long time like usual and she was ok with that. not mad in the morning but clearly both attempts were fun but unfulfilling for us both.

she is still emailing her celeb "friend" and she still does not know that I am aware of it. many of the emails are ok, the kind of stuff you would send a friend but they are always signed "love" and she peppers them with reminders that she is thinking about him all the time. occasionally she sends a more suggestive email. once she offered him erotic art (he ignored the offer) and another time she wrote him a poem and sent a pretty suggestive drawing(also ignored) His replies always remain businesslike and related to the co-promotional stuff that they are doing. A few times in the past she wanted to talk to him on the phone but he would not do that either. One of the emails absolutely confirmed that she started being flirty with him about 3 months before I got her pregnant. So she will want to blame me and the pregnancy for out trouble but clearly our problems go back further than that.

So that's where it's at. If I was a robot who didn't want sex or love I could have a great life. to bad I am not a robot.

I guess it's time to bring the letter writing out in the open and see what happens. I do not feel prepared to do this but I guess I'm going to have to make things worse for some hope for them to be better.

I will detail my game plan for talking to her in the next post.

Why are you pushing to have sec when you know it's only making things worse? SHES tired of all the pressure and you just keep on applying it.

I admit right up front that my game plan is poor and full of holes that she can and probably will exploit if I don't fix them.

The most important point, one that has been in my thoughts for the entire time, the thing that I have reflected heavily on and took a long time to arrive where I am now.

I don't think I am willing to leave her under present conditions. It hurts to say that but I am going into this conversation with a very weak position. If she really tests me I am going to fold. I don't know how long I could go under these conditions before I break, but it's a long time. My kids don't care if I'm having sex or not. I don't think this has any effect on them. We are giving them a great life so far and they are healthy and happy and I would suffer greatly to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Am I weak for this? Lacking in self respect? I really don't know. It feels wrong to be the one to break our family over this.

So, with no willingness to pull the trigger, how can I possibly negotiate? This is a totally weak position and any book on negotiating will tell you so.

So, with that out of the way, here is my current state-of-the-art approach to this.

I will tell her that I know that she is flirting. I will tell her that I know that it goes back to before I got her pregnant. I will point out that this is an affair in every sense of the word and the fact that he is not reciprocating is meaningless. I will tell her that she is hurting me and that I want her to stop immediately and work on our marriage together with me. If she refuses to stop then I will tell her that it is the beginning of the end for us and that I will no longer help her do anything that is related to him. (This would include helping with her art business, and canceling a planned trip to California this summer. she will be very angry about the trip as has sister lives there as well and she will not be able to see her. I can't take her to CA under these conditions though because we would have lunch with celeb while we were there and she is really looking forward to that) If she really pressed me, and she probably will, I won't hide the truth. I will admit that I won't leave her and that I will go as far as I can bear but that I will be hurting the whole time and at some point I will eventually seek separation.

Considering how weak this is, am I better off waiting until I have a change of heart? Is it wise to wait until I am so hardened that I would be willing to leave her?

Currently, I am planning on outing her anyway. I will not let myself back down. I am very thankful for everyone's help and I plan to read and reflect on every response before I pull the trigger.

A final thought. If there were no kids in the picture, I would leave her for a refusal to stop. I know that I would. I have mourned the loss already and I know that I would be ok on my own. But, in my eyes, my best future is with her if she will have me.