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focus22 #2714025 11/03/16 09:03 AM
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Hi Focus, it's difficult I know. Over the past 2 plus years, I have talked to a few friends and family about what happened. Occasionally someone will be neutral enough to say they respect whatever you choose to do. But generally people have strong views.

Ones expressed to me have been - he'd cheat again you know! You could never trust him now. Surely you don't see any mileage in the marriage now?

I learned not to have these kinds of convos with people. The fact is, they haven't walked in your shoes and it is up to you what you want to do. Yes, they have their views on things, and that is up to them. If they start telling you things you don't want to hear, you can let them know, or just close down the convo and move on to something else.

I can see in your posts, it's a hard time for you. Do remember to keep making plans and goals for yourself. Your H will do what he will do, and who knows how things will unfold for him. But how things unfold for you is significantly within your span of control...

Take care Focus :-) x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2721267 12/15/16 11:08 PM
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focus22 Offline OP
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He's having a child with her,

April.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2721275 12/16/16 12:33 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear that Focus. That was always the news I dreaded hearing in my sitch - ugh.

My heart goes out to you (((((((hugs))))))) xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2721291 12/16/16 04:11 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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I just found out on FB.

Some glib comment he'd posted in reply to someone we both now (him more than me).

What on earth is going on? He still has that he's married to me on his FB. I'm still coming across people who don't know we're not together (one who knows us both really well a few days ago. She was so shocked that she walked away mid sentence...didn't even ask if I was OK).

What is going on? I am so confused and so lost.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2721292 12/16/16 04:12 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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She must have conceived in August. They'd only been together 10 months...


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2721294 12/16/16 04:30 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that Focus. I hope some of the vets might have some wiser advice to give. It is something which is at the back of most LBS minds and I can only imagine what you are going through. Try to put into practice all you have learnt over this year, be loving to yourself and don't let your thoughts inflict pain upon you. I know that is easier said than done. A big hug and keep strong.


Me:48
W:45
S:15
M:17
T: 25
Separated: Oct 2015
Scrant #2721296 12/16/16 05:09 AM
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I'm so sorry.

Remember, these things aren't always planned, so don't take it as a deliberate decision on his part.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose888 #2721303 12/16/16 05:28 AM
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focus22 Offline OP
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Thank you.

It's like reliving the trauma of October 2015 when he left all over again.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2721468 12/17/16 04:25 AM
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So yesterday I went to work. I felt (and looked) utterly awful. Everyone asked if I was OK and what was wrong.

I did a thing I've never, ever done before and told some of them. Burst out crying, and told them. That was a total 180 for me, I'm usually incredibly private.

My manager there is a young woman, less than half my age. She put her arms round me and gave me a big, big hug. She was amazing.

After I'd calmed down a bit, she told me I should go home between shifts and put some mascara on. So that's what I did. Except I spent my entire break doing a full on cranberry smokey eye. Went back to work in the evening wearing heels too. Everyone was very happy to see me.

Hung out with the work crew after my shift, and got a ton of compliments about my vibe from one of my colleagues (who doesn't know).

I felt very lucky...I am loved for who I am there. I started working there, freelance, just before WH left, so nobody ever met him.

Anyway, I wasn't quite ready to go home at the end of the night, so I went to hang out with one of the other members of staff who works in another part of the building. Got very drunk. He walked me home, told me he really liked me. I explained the situation I was in, the chaos that was going on in my head and heart and that a relationship would be unfair.

We sat in the park opposite my house and chatted for another hour. He told me a bit about himself. I got the impression that however much he liked me, and however funny he was and however much he was making me laugh, that there was something quite emotionally unavailable about him. It was something to do with a very profound part of him being walled off, and a very, very deep lack of being able to connect with other people.

I know this is going to sound a bit crazy, but I'm one of those people who is very empathetic, and super sensitive to other people and what they're about. I can just feel it off them in spades. In return, people generally feel very, very comfortable with me, from the start...they feel understood.

Interesting that I should have attracted someone like that to me, now, at this point in my journey.

Well, he kissed me goodnight and it was lovely. Just a little bit of human warmth and kindness.

But this morning I've decided that after the new year, when things quieten down with work a little), I'm going back to dancing classes. I was doing a lot of them just before I met H, 18 years ago. And I reckon that's the physical connection that I need at the moment. So I found a few beginners classes: ballet (I like a challenge), barre core (ditto), swing and jive, and tango (I love the music). Most of them are drop in classes, which is great because I never know when and what times I'm going to be working. I think they will help give me the physical connection with myself that I'm looking for.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2721502 12/17/16 10:02 AM
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focus22- I'm new here and just read through your posts. I am sorry you've been going through all this.

Your most recent post really struck me. I feel like you and I are very similar people. I also told my coworkers about my separation a few days ago, which for me is also totally uncharacteristic. I just don't share private things like this! I felt I had to do it as a Christmas party was coming and everyone was expecting me and my spouse. I told them what was happening and had so much support. It made me feel so good sharing that pain. Do you feel it helped you, like it took some of the burden off you?

I am also a sensitive person where I can pick up on people's character and emotions very easily. People also open up to me immediately. It's a wonderful quality that you should be proud of, no matter how down in the dumps in can get you!

Take the kiss to mean a few things: you are attractive, wonderful, and worthy of love; a reminder how good it is to have positive human interactions and connections; motivation to seek out more positive energy!

I think your idea of starting classes is wonderful! I decided I would take the same approach for the new year. I'm using December as my head start. Looking up classes and enrolling, started at the gym, deciding where I will travel for my vacations this year. I can tell you, this kind of focus has been really helpful for me so far. I really do believe it will do great things for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really gave me a lot to think about as well. I hope these words are a little helpful.

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