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My heart almost burst at seeing all my friends here to pop by to give your support! It means so much, thank you.

I hear your thoughts about H wanting to share these bonds with S. I will say, H has been making a good effort to accept S for who he is, but every once in a while, he gets off track and goes a bit overboard. I am all for introducing S to new things, but not for forcing it. I also like that H has taught S about guns, and the dangers, how to use them properly, God forbid he come across one at a friend's house, but the shooting range thing was really dumb, knowing our S.

I do realize that H was also completely correct in that I don't really care what he says. I am no therapist, but I would guess that comes from the anger, and I do mean anger, that I have with him. That is something I need to focus on to able to co-parent properly. I need to be able to separate that and I will focus on that, for my Son's sake. I am literally counting down the years of having to deal with H on a regular basis, I figure about 7 more or so....lol

He voiced that he really wanted to get a Christmas tree all together, not separately, so we went on Sunday. We only got one for my house, and he said he would pick up a cheap small one for his place another time. He was so excited about getting a tree for his place last year! What a change. He also insisted paying for it and was about as sweet as pie could get. He said, in front of S, that we should get a nice tree for my place since we will be spending Christmas together there, with a question mark aimed at me.

I want to share some wise words to live by:

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to? Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow. Be thankful for the limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement. Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons. Be thankful when you are tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

mwah! love that! xoxoxoxo

and what's the deal with forcing your hand on Christmas like that?

M

You deal with this with such grace .. your H makes me scratch my head, if ever the term "Clinging Boomerang" fit anyone in MLC its him. I think you do handle it marvelously .

I like your 'thankful' words ... much wisdom there.

Lol bttrfly, I know, right!? I think it comes from neither of us being willing to give up Christmas morning with S, and the fact that S wants to be home on Christmas. So, that leaves H coming here and spending the day, which is fine with me. He has to ask though, I am not offering! Lol. I know our sitch is an alternative to the norm, but it works for us. I think it is a huge reason S is doing so well, he knows he comes first, and believe me, he uses that! H hasn't been a gem, but he does do a lot of bending for S, knowing he prefers me and home.

Hi Cali. I have been thinking about your post, knowing you are so close to your S. My H is trying, he really is, he seems desperate at times to find something for them to do together. They are getting closer over the past year, S truly loves his dad very much. It's obvious in the bear hugs he gives him, the uncontrollable giggles and laughter when they tickle, it's something I love to be able to witness. My H obviously misses home and family, but he is so stuck and still not able to own up to his choices, it's all justify justify justify. So, I use soft love, as I am not good at tough love!

I hope you all are having a good day

hi Mleigh
looks like a nice Xmas planned. you are doing it right. Just enjoy the moment. Your H seems like he is inching along. All good for your S because kids do need both parents.

I don;t post much on your sitch but I do learn alot.

Irish

Thank you for your support Irish. I do think also that my H is inching along, but all while wanting to sweep the past under the rug.....which brings me to where I am at.....

I need to journal, get some thoughts out of my head, trying to work through some issues....and what better place than here.

My last blowup at H surprised me a bit. I really thought I had gotten past things, that I had worked through my resentments, but I am still very angry. Very angry. I now realize I didn't work through it, I have just put it aside, to keep the peace with H for our son. So here I was, working on a new friendship with H, spending time, getting closer, and as soon as those triggers came out, I exploded.

I have spent time thinking, and I believe the anger comes from never getting any apology or sign from H that he did anything wrong. H does not apologize, he justifies. Then, I see myself follow the same pattern, a vicious circle.

So, I thought about what Bttrfly said, and some friends who were treated badly by their xh, one with physical abuse. They both forgave, in order to let go and move on. They eventually got apologies later on. You have taught me that forgiveness is for me, not H. This anger is a poison in me. I have been feeling it every day now since this blow up, a physical ache inside. By having this anger in me, I am effecting my health, my sleep, my mood. I am only hurting myself, so now what?

I know I can't force H to feel remorse or regret. I can't fix him. I will not ask for an apology, that would defeat the purpose for me. We don't have R talks, so nothing gets worked through or resolved. How do you build a new friendship on a broken foundation? This part of this process doesn't make sense to me. Have I been doing this backwards?

I am reading some articles on forgiveness. It was suggested that maybe an anger management class might help. I am going to try meditation and prayer. I very much want to release this, not only for myself, but for the sake of keeping the peace for my S. By holding on to this anger, I am giving control to H....

Can you guys tell me what has helped you? Please share your stories, your therapy, and what helped you.

Thanks for listening, wishing you all a happy Sunday.

M - will respond in depth when more time allows but want to say, yes babe it's for you, the forgiveness releases the bitterness and anger that can poison you! you've taken the first big step here.

be back a bit later w/more xoxoxo

Thanks Bttrfly, I look forward to hearing from you. I feel like I have regressed back a year or two. I let myself get close, let my guard down, and he zapped me.

Back to the episode, I told H I was on the way to drop off S, and to talk about the shooting range. I get there, and say let's talk about this, and he says, no, let's talk about S spending time at your work. I said, what? What does that have to do with the shooting range? He says, you don't care how I feel about him being at your work on his computer, you never care how I feel. The button pushing started, the conversation got twisted into something completely different, and I blew. Then, he said, see! This is why I can't talk to you about anything!

The bashing started, and although it felt really good to get so much off my chest, my guess is it went on deaf ears, the same as his blasting to me. What frustrates me the most is this person he can bring out in me, a person I don't want to be. I have been working hard to change that behavior and out of nowhere she popped out. I am a bit frustrated with the whole thing and having a really hard time shaking it! And now Christmas is in a week and I will be around him. Ggrrr!

I hate to say this, but...in a way, you set yourself up by telling him that you wanted to speak to him about the shooting range. You gave him ample time to build up his little snit so that when you broached the subject, he was ready to hit you w/both barrels of his little snit. There is a difference between your son going to a firing range (which he's not really interested in) and being in your office and on his computer (something he likes to do).

Actually, I'm not at all surprised that this happened because your h is miserable and he can't find anything much that he and his son can bond over which frustrates him to heck. Your h doesn't get it...your son is far more mature than he is. Some of these MLCers like to pull out the stops and bring up stuff that is going to fester and then there is arguing, etc., right before a holiday. Your h did it today. He is a miserable individual who doesn't care whether you are miserable or not...but he made darn sure to bait you today so that you would be angry and upset just before the holiday. Mleigh...don't allow him to take away your pleasure. He's not worth it right now. Leave him to stew all by his lonesome. Right now, your h thinks he made his point to you and he's so proud of himself. He thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, but when he's alone and is in his bed, thoughts of what he's done today will creep in. Don't be surprised if he acts like nothing transpired between the two of you the next time you talk.

After what transpired today, I wouldn't say another word to him about Christmas Day. I know you are trying to do what is best for your son, but you do not need to put up w/his bad behavior and sweep it under the rug just because of Christmas Day. If he still shows up, I would be all business-like w/him and I certainly wouldn't be watching movies or interacting w/him on any games, etc. He needs to learn that the button pushing gets old real fast and that comment about not being able to talk to you about anything has worn itself out.

Do not, I repeat, do not allow this man to ruin this week leading up to Christmas Day. I know exactly what you are going through as my xh use to do this all of the time before a special event/holiday. There is no excuse, MLC or not, for him to act this way towards you. You've been nothing but kind to this man and like I said, the outburst was uncalled for and he needs to learn to sit down and carry on a conversation like an adult. Time for him to grow up.

Leave him to himself and distance yourself from him. The only way that you'll get through to him is by actions, not words...so distance yourself and just keep it civil and business-like for a while and see what happens.

I am very sorry this happened to you.

Hi Job. Let me clarify, this is the episode that happened last weekend, and that caused the huge blow up where I shooted off truth darts like a machine gun. I still can't shake it, but after thinking it all over this week, have been able to see I have huge pent up anger issues with him, he can still push my buttons, and I need to work on forgiveness to let this go.

I agree, letting him know I wanted to talk to him set myself up. Silly me, thinking we can talk like adults. Overall, the episode was a huge eye opener for me. I see what mistakes I made, where I could have done better, and hope to remember these the next time I am in that situation. I have pulled back, we have only talked twice this week, only during S drop offs. Otherwise it has been silence.

Christmas is pretty much planned. H will be here with us, and apparently his dad wants to come over. I will stay busy with cooking up a feast, which I love to do. It will be ok, I can do this. I will just let them have their la la day while I keep it about S and I. Trust me, I have no grand visions of H and I, it's about family spending Christmas together I can't deny them from seeing S, and S wants to be here at home.

After Christmas, I see myself keeping the distance. We are not ready to be hanging out together yet.

I bought and started reading a book, How can I Forgive You? It's about acceptance, for people who don't get an apology or sign of remorse, but learn to let it go for their own inner peace. I hope it helps.

Thank you for your wisdom Job. I read and re-read everything you post to me and truly appreciate it.