Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Cherry. Just trying to get on with life

You're doing fantastic, Cherry. You are showing your son what kind of woman he should respect and admire. I can sympathize with a WH sudddenly going from super dad to absent. At the height of WH's affair in April he would sometimes go days without texting or calling to speak to the kids. They were very confused and would ask where he was. My daughter is the most sensitive and would have this sad look on her face when asking about her father.

At this moment she is curled up in bed falling asleep while he cuddles her. I believe even if we never reached piecing he still would have come back into their lives. He does love his kids, he just got lost for a time. I think your WH will eventually find his way back to the kids. When he offers to buy you something for cravings, act as if. Smile warmly and tell him how you would apppreciate that, just DON'T expect him to follow through. If he later mumbles an apology then be light and "fine." Tell him it's okay and you managed something on your own. I did this a few times and it was a bit of a 180 for me, normally I would be angry and resentful, I would hold a grudge. I think it made WH realize how far he had wandered.

Hi Cherry, sorry to hear about your situation. It's very hard for me having my 17 months old missing his dad. I think it's 10 times harder when they are old enough to understand that he should be home and it's not! And being back and forth like that... I will sure be cautious of H's any attempt to reconcile. I don't want to go through it again, let along my S. But children are angels. I am glad that he is with me everyday. If H is not coming back, I do not want S to live with him ever. I do not believe they have the right after walking out. But the law says different... solider on cherry. There's no better gift to a child than a sibling. They have each other now. They will be best friends! And they will be your family with or without your H. He's obviously not in his right mind. So keep going dark coz you don't want him to drag you into the emotional mess. I admire you being strong for your children!

Hey Cherry,

Just stopping bye to say that you're doing well. Like i told Blu, live in the moment. As you stated, your MBR is unrecognizable and that is good. Your life is unrecognizable too and that is even better.

I decided to sell my wedding ring today. It represents a bond that my XW and I had, a bond that God brought together and (since i believe in fate), only God can break. So I am now divorced, I accept my fate and I must move forward.

There's no point in crying over spilled sour milk. Rather clean up the mess, go to the shops and get a fresh pint.

Most importantly, have faith that everything happens for a reason and find peace.

Good for you Cherry! Your H is definitely missing out and one day he'll realise exactly what a mistake he's made.

Making our homes our own is an important stage of recovery, helps with our own identity.

I know it's tough Cherry when your S pines for his father, he'll understand one day that you are more than enough for him. Chin up and carry on doing what you're doing. You should be very proud of yourself.

(((Cherry)))

Your H is on his own journey. Don't push him away when he reaches out. Be civil and compassionate. But continue living your own life and acting as if.

I hear you about the guilt-tripping part. KF took all the feedback about kid as guilt-tripping. They just can't take the guilt. They know what they're doing is wrong but they can't face the fact.

Btw, I was wondering if perhaps your mil could learn the validation techniques. It seems that your H is angry that everyone has 'turned against' him and is on the defensive.

Cherry

Re: "She wasn't just a friend, she 'WAS'.....". The key bit here, as you say, is 'WAS'. But perhaps this means she has left, couldn't hack it, was using him etc. Perhaps it means she 'WAS' special for a while to him but now is not. It could mean many things. In our sitch OM went from 'IS JUST A FRIEND' to 'WAS JUST A FRIEND". I have just had nearly an hour of nice chat and laughing on the phone with W. Our R is definitely improving - I still have too much attachment but it's going. What is working for me? LL's definitely work. So does NC and just having positive talk. Being kind and 'Smiling' even when just on the phone. In the meantime enjoy the time it is a gift. Your S will adapt over this short period. Don't forget you have lots of time. He won't necessarily even remember this stuff he's very young. I think my earliest memories are 4 so you should be in a much happier place with or without H by then. Also as suggested his attention will shift when your little one comes along. If you engage him in caring for the baby as "he's got a new baby brother to take care of" he will really change his focus.

All of this sitch will improve. You will feel to be 'you' again without the rollercoaster - just look back at how you don't have that anxiety to anywhere the same degree anymore. The darkest days are gone. OK you will wobble. But it's not constant.

Also look what you hoped for. Looks like it happened - OW is out of the picture. Or so it seems. Take it slowly. Find your way of being happy & use you time wisely. You have done so far - you have less anxiety and OW appears robbed gone - I hope you see that you are DB'ing and it is paying off! It all takes time. You are getting there. It's a slow journey but you are doing great.

BTW - not knowing what you want is just a phase. It's just because you are not fully in control, because of attachment.

I wouldn't tell him about S crying anymore, personally. I try to not do the things that might create any pressure or negative feelings.

Very proud of you.

Surfer.

Thanks to all of you for the support. The offer for cravings was a good couple months ago around bd time, when he would phase in and out of talking to me. Recently, he never asks how I'm gettting on or offer to do anything for me. It's absolute radio silence, you wouldn't think we have a child together as he NEVER communicates with me to see how he is. Of course, I don't reach out to him neither. He is very stubborn, so I know if this was ever brought up , he would say "well you don't contact me". The majority of the time, s is fine, he often asks where his dad is but then carries on with his day and moves on to his next question. It's the night time when he's asleep he wakes and gets upset. I hope this will soon start to pass. He knows there is a lot of love for him, there's no doubt about that.

It does appear that ow is out of the picture, so he could be going through withdrawals. However he is still very wayward so he could have another. I won't mind read though. It is his own journey after all, and I know that my concern is myself, and I know that no r with anyone else would be good for me right now.

Surfer, you are absolutely right on not looking back at where I've travelled from. That's only going to lead to old feelings being dragged up and anxiety. I see my goal of the woman I was when I met wh- the free happy woman. Obviously with a few modifications, I've responsibilities now.

I have an evening date with a girlfriend tonight, so I've an opportunity to get glammed up a little and feel good about me and enjoy some good company

Cherry,

I'm still here, though read more than I write. I want to tell you - when I first got here, I really only wanted to find inspiration from those who made things 'work' in their sitch. That is still great if people do, but you do now, and have always, inspired me to be a better me. That is what truly works.

So if knowing that has value for you, please don't take it to the bank, spend it today on something nice for yourself. You are a hero among heroes. Stay cool sister.

Hugs

V

Thanks CT! That's really nice of you to say. It's encouraging that people think I'm doing good, despite my m being none existent! I thing what gets to me at times that I've failed at saving my m. I am the kind of person who is determined to put my all into something, work hard and succeed. So to attempt to db and my m still fail sometimes gets to me. I'm becoming to get more peace and acceptance in this. My goal has shifted to now being the best mum I can be!

Had a good weekend, lovely evening out with my girlfriend, lots of laughs and just feeling I can be myself, no awkward conversations no needing to discuss my r. Just enjoying one another's company. Today took S out to a national park, lovely walk and fresh air. Met my parents and sister there, S enjoyed running round with a football with his grandad, and saw lots of animals like deers. Didn't hear a thing from wh all weekend. I don't particularly expect anything of him, but it does anger me at times that he doesn't want to see his child. But still, at the end of the day- he is missing out on such exciting years. The early years which will shape him as a person.