Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I cannot get over missing my husband

I think you were very honest w/him about how you are feeling. Now, just let it be and if he brings it up again, then you will need to decide if you are strong enough to have a discussion w/him about whatever is on his mind.

Now, it's time to put the focus on you and your family and most of all....getting through the holidays. Think about creating some new traditions this year. Shake things up a bit in your home by decorating in your style and visit family and friends or invite them over for a bit.

You've got this.

Thank you Job for responding so quickly...your calm words helps so much to settle me down again.

I'm in a real mess this morning. Any contact I have with him just sets me off. So I think NC is the best for me right now.

The kids and I have already made plans for a completely different Christmas and New Years. We are going skiing for the first time and MIL will be joining us (not for the skiing bit...she's 91). H told told S26 that he will be spending it alone traveling and golfing...but that's the same lie he has used all summer when he was avoiding talking about GF...so who knows what the truth is anymore...

Is it strange that if he is actually spending it alone I feel so sad for him that I want to invite him to come with us (I already suggested back in Sept that he could come if he wanted to rejoin the family...). How can I feel so sad for him when he is causing so much hurt to me...

H seems to be cutting himself off more and more from family and friends even when they try to be non-judgemental...is that normal? Apparently the few guys he still sees he doesn't talk about what is going other than to give the impression that we are all fine and that he is in touch regularly with us?? I really wish he had someone that he could open up to other than GF...she has her own agenda so probably not giving sound advise, me thinks...

xx

xx

You will find that NC is good for you. It helps you regain your footing and, in time, you'll master the art of detachment that will help you learn how not to react to his comments/actions.

I'm glad to read that you have some new plans for the holidays. Even though your MIL is 91, she will still enjoy herself because she is w/you and your family. It's sad that her son is acting out, but there's nothing she can do about it, but leave him to himself.

If and that is a big if, your h is spending time alone, then it is of his choosing. Some of them use other distractions to avoid feeling anything for anyone and especially the holidays. Yes, you can feel sad for him because he's missing out on all the family things and memories that are created, which he can't get back later on. But, it's his choice.

Yes, it is very much a MLC thing to cut ties w/everyone which means you, the family, pets and friends. All of you are from his past, a past that he is trying to forget. All of you are reminders of his old life and right now, he's looking for new and exciting people to distract him. He's looking for people who really do not know him so that he reinvent himself just enough to impress these new people. People from his old like know him well and aren't running around admiring him and stroking his ego. The ow is there stroking his ego and has those little stars sparkling in her eyes for him right now...but in time, those sparkles will dim and he'll be right back to looking for something to distract him once again.

They are great actors and will tell people that the family is fine and not giving away one hint that things really aren't. In his mind, he thinks he's in touch w/you regularly because time just creeps like a turtle for them. Unfortunately, time doesn't stand still and it moves very quickly.

As for opening up to someone...he talks to the ow and his new friends...but to actually have a serious talk w/someone...he's not ready for that nor does he want to hear what people would tell him about himself and what he's doing. All you can do is pray for him and hope he finds himself.

Thank you Job

It's been a difficult day today and your words of wisdom has helped get me through it. I really appreciate it so much. It's been ten months since he started his craziness and I just cannot get my head around this is my kind husband treating me with such little care...

xx

I am so scared the way I acted initially and for many months after H moved out has made him feel so guilty and ashamed that he will never be able to face coming back...I cried and cried and after he moved out I ended up in hospital twice with severe depression. After H found out that I had been in hospital he has really distanced himself from me and become more deeply involved with young GF. Will he ever be able to forgive himself deep down and have the courage to rebuild our marriage should he come out of his MLC. I am so scared it has done irreversible damage...My hope is he won't remember much of it when he does come out of his craziness. Does anybody have any experience with this?

I know you are scared about how you acted when he moved out, but you can't change the past. It's gone. We all had our days of crying, begging, pleading, etc. in the beginning. It's a normal response to being blindsided w/them announcing that things are over and done with.

So, what do you do now? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You've learned a few things while being here and now you have a better understanding of what MLC is. The present is a gift and you have to use it wisely. W/that being said, being kind and civil to your h when he contacts you. Learn to cut conversations short when you sense that they are becoming heated. Validate how he feels w/"I'm sorry you feel that way". But above all else, take care of you and your family. Dig deeper for patient, educate yourself on depression and MLC. Be kind to yourself and know that no matter what happened in the early stages of the crisis was a very normal reaction for you. Don't dwell on it because it is in the past.

As for the future, well, none of us can predict what the future holds. He may not remember some of the stuff that transpired, i.e., how he acted or the things he said. My advice...keep looking forward and have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.

Keep the focus on you today.

Thank you - Job - I just had a really nice session with Leni so between you and Leni - feeling a bit more calm:-) I really hope for his own sake he doesn't remember too much because the 'real' H would be mortified at what this H is doing... xx

help please - my S26 spoke to my WAH this morning and confirmed the reason my H wants to talk to me is about a divorce. Apparently there is a new tax law coming into effect in April that would cost us a lot of money if we divorce after that so is pushing for a quick divorce...S26 got H to leave the divorce talk with me until after New Years...how do I deal with this? I don't want a divorce! Please advise...

I'm very sorry to hear this news, but I'm not the least bit surprised. Many of them want to rush a divorce because they think it's quick fix to their problems...little do they know that their problems are only just beginning once the ink is dry on the decree. Some of them are very euphoric once the divorce in finalized, but that is short lived because that new found freedom and excitement soon become dull and the day-to-day responsibilities set in.

I understand how you feel about not wanting a divorce, but if he wants a divorce, it only takes one to do so (unfortunately). I wouldn't attempt to drag it out too long because it will cost you more $$$$ by doing so. My advice is that you speak to a lawyer NOW and get your ducks in a row to see what you are entitled to. I know that I sound harsh, but knowledge is power and unless he changes his mind, he may very well go through w/it to avoid paying out more after April.

For now, I wouldn't bring this subject up w/him. Let him come to you about it. When he does talk to you, listen to what he has to say and they say "h, I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm going to need some time to come to terms w/this divorce". Then let it go, but do not tell him that you've spoken to a lawyer. That is knowledge that you keep to yourself.

Speak with an attorney ASAP and get some advice on this. I don't know what the new tax law is, but it seems highly unlikely that there's a new law that would adversely affect BOTH of you - more likely it is something that would adversely affect HIM and benefit YOU. Find out the facts. Information is power.

And don't confuse the divorce with the relationship. This is all about business. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you are "nice" to him and give in to all his demands, he'll be more likely to come back. He won't. He's actually more likely to return if he has to deal with the financial reality of a fair divorce that gives you everything you are legally entitled to.
People can and do reconcile after divorce, being divorced won't make it impossible for that to happen. So try to take the emotion out of it and start protecting your financial interests. Make that attorney appointment today.