pam - thank you so much for stopping by - the positives sure do help when you focus on them instead of the negatives...you are doing so well, i am so proud of you!!!
deb - YA YA
pattie - no kidding - number one son is a neat freak, but number two??? he is a worse pak rat then me!!! needless to say they were thrilled!!!
mal - girl, i cannot wait to meet you next month, it will be a blast!!! let me tell you, you are more normal than you think!! my prayers will be with you this weekend...i know it has to be hard, but you are strong, and you will make it. surround yourself with your friends...after this, what else is there???
ag - i would be there in a minute...alaska is one of my dreams believe it or not!!! and if i knew it would help our sitch, i would be there in a new york minute
cycler - new perspective, yes that is what it is. i came back with a renewed sense of knowing what i want and what i DON'T want. when it's clear it's so much easier to deal with
sg - oh girlfriend, the pleasure was all mine!!! you and water were just what the doctor ordered!!!
totite - thanks so much for stopping by my thread. it's a never ending battle eh? with kids it just never stops. i like your sitch, the intrigue keeps things interesting!!!
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POSITIVES
1) yesterday, my daughter and i were headed to the post office and i called hubby to let him know where i was going, and he asked, have you two had lunch yet? and i said no, and he said, meet me at such and such, so i said SURE - we haven't had LUNCH together out since way before the bomb, and this was something we used to do ALL THE TIME when we were dating and first married
2) while i was sitting at the computer yesterday doing some family business, he came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders and he said to me, i know your under lots of stress, just relax a bit - and i just let him rub for a little while and then thanked him PROFUSELY when he was done. he NEVER does that without me asking him first...WOO HOO
3) got into a 'spiritual' discussion last night about something that has been bothering me for awhile. i think he really appreciated me coming to him for guidance
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JOURNALING
well today is our official 10 year anniversary. i got him a cute little card - it had two kids on the front sitting together and it read "know what is great about being married to you?" and inside it read "being with your best friend every day - happy anniversary - i love you"
i wrote him a letter with it...i borrowed some thoughts from betsey (hope you don't mind bets) - and then i stuck it in his sales book so that after his first sales call today he would find it.
he called when he got it and told me thank you, that it was very sweet and that what i wrote was very much appreciated...
my first paragraph read "Ten years ago today – I vowed my love for you in front God and the Mayor of Daytona Beach. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I don’t regret a single moment since then."
when he called he then said to me, i cannot believe you got the mayor of daytona beach to marry us. and then he started laughing - it was a pleasant memory for him i could tell. that made me feel good
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sorry i haven't been around much the last few days...a friend of the family passed this week and i have been helping with arrangements with the inlaws so i have been extrememly busy
Married by the mayor of Daytona Beach? I need to hear more about that one! I have a few good stories of my own about college spring breaks there - but no marriages!
I am sorry for your loss. Will keep you in my prayers.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I wanted to stop by and thank you for all of your great words of encouragement and new information tonight. It was a revelation to me and I am very grateful to you.
I also have loved reading your thread and the positives that you post each time. It is truly an inspiration and I appreciate you continuing to come to the BB and journal. Looking at your "journey" (love that word) makes me feel again that all things are possible.
If H doesn't send you a card - I certainly will! Thanks again and stick to the path. Totally
totite - once again, thanks for the visit - yeah, the mayor of daytona beach, it was a HOOT - one day i will write the story - daytona is my DREAM living place
totallyshocked - i really enjoyed the interaction with you last night, glad you found something i said helpful - i will check on your sitch after i am done in piecing
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JOURNALING
in talking to a few db'rs over the last couple of evenings i have discovered something about myself that is quite interesting
the db'rs i have spoken to have been both newbies (sorry for your pain) and oldtimers - and in the interaction with both sets, i have finally realized that i am truly DETACHED
it took me a long while, but i am so there. my time line:
bomb - may 2003 found db - june 2003 joined this board - july 2003 THOUGHT i was db'n - july 2003 - oct 2003 really started db'n - october 2003 THOUGHT i was detaching - october 2003 REALLY STARTED detaching - feb 2004 completely detached - march 2004
funny how march marks the 10 month anniversary of the bomb, and while i was still in california during that time, what i noticed after the anniversary date is that i didn't even realize it had come and went. i had dropped the rope (now what is it they say about a month for every year? - i think it works both ways - i think us LBS get better at that point too)
so i sit here communicating with different people trying to offer some paltry advice i might have and i find that i really cannot explain what it feels like to be TRULY detached. i FEEL it, but i dont know how i got here, but i know i am here. i cannot tell you HOW to do this - it's just one of those things you KNOW
i wont bother even trying to explain it here in my journal. i know the feeling and i love it - but i could never tell any of you what you need to do to get here. except that all the maps are on this website.
ok, i will try to explain it...
do you all remember the movie 'the miracle worker'? - there is a scene in it when helen keller finally GETS what the teacher is trying to tell her - and then she runs around frantically everywhere wanting to know what everything is, and the teacher spells it in her hand, she spells it back - it showed everyone that it CLICKED in her brain that there was a word for everything in her world and she then just KNEW she was gonna be alright
that is what it feels like to be truly detached, from your sitch and your relationship. you finally just GET it - call it an epiphany, call it what you want, but the feeling is the same.
there is no longer ACHE - there is no longer day long thinking about how you can better your sitch - there is no longer FOCUS on your mate and the r - there is focus on YOU and how you can continue to get better and better
what does this say about my marriage?
i very much love my husband, not the husband that is NOW but the one i fell in love with
i still love things about my husband that is NOW such as his genuine fathering ability and his industriousness. i love the way he can still make me laugh, and i cherish all of his "acts of service" that he does for me. i love that he cherishes "quality" time with me
he hasn't GOTTEN it yet, that i can finally see. and nothing i do or say will make that realization happen any sooner or even come at all
but i am content with the fact that he is home. he is providing for his family - and that he has some pretty awesome goals for the future which include his family
but i am FAR removed from his JOURNEY - this is SOLO for him, he will no longer drag me into his world that he is trying to muddle thru on his own. i am in my own world, loving life, loving friends, loving me
I enjoyed the interaction last night as well. Especially figuring out how to get to the Back Porch - that cracked me up. And you crack me up - and that's a GOOD THING. You are wise and insightful - you've done well on your "journey" and can now look back and know that you've done the right thing.
I didn't feel that you were too harsh. Without you I would have continued to wander around lost for quite a bit longer. Your mention of the Helen Keller scene and when she finally GETS it? That sent chills up my arms. It's so true - that when you finally GET something- it is an epiphany. I now understand detaching - I haven't gotten it yet - but intellectually I do.
You are welcome to come and hit me with a 2x4 anytime you want. I'm an incredibly sensative and emotional person. I need people like you to help me not take everything so seriously. (And you know I want to hear more about the ex and why you didn't feel he fought for you - I'm very afraid I haven't fought hard enough).
You sound very positive in your journaling and it is an inspiration to see that so many can pull it back together. Keep taking care of you! Totally
Kitti, That is truly awesome. I am beginning to feel the same way. I have just now "gotten" the idea of really getting a life. I am slowly but surely learning to detach, but am not quite there yet.
For me the idea of "getting a life" went off like a buzzer in my head. No more sitting around the house making him the center of my universe. No more being bummed out because he didn't want to go anywhere on his two weeks off. No more feeling like he's ashamed to be seen in public with me for no good reason.
Akgal dancing...I'm coming out! I want the world to know, going to let it show! I'm coming out!
In my case, I'm coming out to play! Akgal smiles.
Important message: This song has nothing to do with my sexual orientation or declarations about my sexual orientation. It has to do with me getting a life and that's all. End message. LOLOLOLOL
You sound like your PMA is soaring. I'm so happy for you!
Well, I AM working on getting it... some days, I GET it... then I slip and fall... but I am getting it more and more every day... And when I'm not getting it, I'm FAKING it... and doing a fine job of that.
Quote: he hasn't GOTTEN it yet, that i can finally see. and nothing i do or say will make that realization happen any sooner or even come at all
This I do GET... and will remember... NOTHING I have done or will do will change this at all. Just pray he gets it before God decides enough is enough...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I understand what you mean about finally detaching.
I remember the day I was finally able to do it as profound. But for me, I found that it wasn't a space I was able to stay in for more than a few days, once I acheived it.
It's something I strive for...regularly.
It's harder to be detached when things are going well, I find.
It seems to make the bumps feel so much bigger.
I am hoping that as I keep practicing and keep striving, I'll be able to detach with less and less struggle as time goes by.
