sweetheart you block a private number by sending it to voice mail.
SCREEN YOUR CALLS.
Wow, I'm shaking after reading that exchange. I'm so sorry you experienced that conversation. So upsetting to read it. Her projection is masterful.
You cannot control what she does. You cannot control whether or not she's going to call you or anyone else you love. You have absolute control over one thing and one thing only: Your response.
I'm sorry to say this my friend, and I say it as gently as possible, think of this as a 2x4 wrapped in a fluffy pink blanket: You let that conversation go on way too long. You got sucked in right at this point:
Quote:
XW: I miss the girls.
Me: I believe you. But have you told them and explained to them what happened. Why you neglected them for so long.
My hope for you is that after some calm reflection (or a few punches to a punching bag or pillow, depending on your mood) you can put some distance between yourself and your conversation with her and then come back and re-read your post with a critical eye, so you have a better sense of how she escalates and manipulates.
Seems to me she plays on your protective instincts then plays the victim and starts dragging in other people you love. I swear dealing with a MLCer is like handling a live rattlesnake. The only way to survive is not to handle it at all. Drop and run.
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
I hope that 2x4 didn't hurt too much Irish. I don't know why, but I had a feeling something was up on your end. Thanks for the update. Congrats, you and a few others are now in the Bttrfly spidey sense zone ... woke up to snow here Monday morning. Off to get my folks and my cousin after work today for a crazy Italian sleep over tonight. Should be fun.
Send all private #s to voice mail. Take control back. You deserve peace. Send her support via prayers. IMHO that's the best medicine for our MLCers.
DON'T SEND THE GEESE THIS FAR SOUTH!!! (lol)
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'm so sorry that she's still out there. I think it's time to keep those conversations very short, sweet and civil. When she starts in about the girls, just say "I'm sorry you feel the way that you do. It's up to you how you handle your relationship w/our girls." Then say "I have to go, I have some errands to run." Get off the phone. The more you send her truth darts, the more fuel you are feeding her fire. She's still a hot mess and will be for a long time, but feeding her fire is attention...and they thrive on both positive and negative energy...take that energy away from her and do not engage in lengthy conversations w/her.
She's a miserable, broken woman who doesn't even know how to put her humpty dumpty back together again.
Please do not allow her calls get to you. If you don't want to speak to her, delete the calls w/o answering them. Send emails and texts to the "spam" drawer and just live your life to the fullest and enjoy your girls as much as you can.
Hi Sotto, my answer in red. You may ask me as many questions as you wish :-)
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Does she need to earn your compassion, or can you offer that to her regardless? 2 weeks ago I would say no she didn't need to earn it. after her bombardment of texts and emails both blaming me and regret then blaming the kids .. finishing by cold and entitlement ( I know she is going threw a rough time) I lost my compassion. it changed to frustration. backslide on my behalf but huge wakeup
How does your stance of 'if she offers X, I'll offer Y' serve you going forwards? Sadly she doesn't offer any X. Me serving Y is pointless. I see that now. She wants Z and who cares about what the girls want.
Is there truly nothing to fix? Between me and her. of course i would love a co parenting relationship. As a couple, she killed that. I appreciate you may not want to reconcile and that's up to you of course. But is there residual pain and anger to fix? Pain yes. her being gone I missed the communication and chance to vent. This is new to me because this is the most communication i've had with her since may 2015. And i see now its pointless. For everyone? For the girls too. they need to express their thoughts to her. I ask them to if they wish to. They chose no contact. I won't force them. They want nothing to do with her.
Do you think you have put yourself in a kind of 'gatekeeper' role here? I didn't ask for this role. She put me in this role because the girls don't answer her.She finds a way to contact me. Since she came out of the dark she has messaged the girls 3 times. they shut her down and asked her to leave them alone. So she messages me, texts, 1 phone call and plays with my emotions. Something that should of happened around BD. We didn't get that chance. she was gone and NC was had. I asked her to stop many times. She says she continues because it makes her feel good. My soft heart for the girls and her left that open door. I need it closed
What would help you 'step away' a little more? well . she just did it. yesterdays first call was it. her voice put me off so much. Her words and emotions were cold. What sympathy i had for her is gone. She will have to do so much. Actions not words to have me give her an inch. I know i'm upset but \i need to remember this and not fall back again
Feel free not to answer if these aren't helpful to you my friend....and I truly want you to know how much I respect all that you are doing for yourself and your girls. I only want the best for you.
Xx
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I believe this to be just another stage of the process. At this point, even though she is un happy and the divorce did not fix this she will still try to focus most of the fault on you and what you did or didn't do. Its not worth trying to counter her or convince her other wise.
Hi LT this is why i am so thankful for this site. If i was looking in my sitch I would tell me the same thing. I need to pull away. NC is the only way I stay sane. She has a long way to go. She does start with the girls but quickly turns it to blame or lies. She is enjoying this. I need to stop feeding her fun.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
sweetheart you block a private number by sending it to voice mail. SCREEN YOUR CALLS. I'm sorry to say this my friend, and I say it as gently as possible, think of this as a 2x4 wrapped in a fluffy pink blanket: You let that conversation go on way too long. You got sucked in right at this point:
Seems to me she plays on your protective instincts then plays the victim and starts dragging in other people you love. I swear dealing with a MLCer is like handling a live rattlesnake. The only way to survive is not to handle it at all. Drop and run.
hi bttrfly. xox. your 2x4 are most welcome. Just so happens i'm wearing a pink shirt today, so your 2x4 wrapped in a pink fluffy blanket shouldn't leave too many marks.
I would block all private calls but I have many government agencies i deal with that have private numbers. So i have no choice to answer. I am known for answering fast, i wouldn't want to start sending them all to voice mail. Would a quick can't talk then hang up on her be ok? Not letting her get a word in.
as for the drop and run ... i will think of her as a snake and do just that.
As for me being in your Bttrfly spidey sense zone. I am happy to be there.
Originally Posted By: job
She's a miserable, broken woman who doesn't even know how to put her humpty dumpty back together again.
Please do not allow her calls get to you. If you don't want to speak to her, delete the calls w/o answering them. Send emails and texts to the "spam" drawer and just live your life to the fullest and enjoy your girls as much as you can.
Hi Job (((hugs))) good hearing from you. I know how busy you are. yes yes and yes.. hard to disagree with you. I need to look at my sitch as an outsider does. I would give the same advise to others its funny how we don't see our sitches for what it is.
She knows that I won't help her with the girls , that is why i think she is playing me. Knowing I never got closure.
In reality there is nothing to close. It is what it is and I need to get back on track.
Parent teacher interviews today and XW won't be there because the school have asked her to stay away. Not only today but for the entire school year. Not sure what she said to them but clearly they see it as something that can affect the girls. XW told me about it but didn't go into details.
thank you all for your support. I would say I won't let you all down but in reality i can't let myself down again.
I did sleep very well none the less. i won't worry about her next message. I need to worry about what I have to wear at an insurance foundation this Friday. Wine and cheese. so looking forward to it.
I think it's fine to know that this kind of contact doesn't work for you just now and take steps to avoid it. I don't know about the technology, but I always think it's worth making it work for you.
Alongside doing this (for you) I would encourage you to hold as much compassion as you are able in your heart for her. Maybe it's because we had a session on forgiveness at our divorce group recently, but do try and release her peacefully to live her life in whichever way she chooses.
Take care Irish (& pink shirt sounds very nice by the way) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I need to worry about what I have to wear at an insurance foundation this Friday. Wine and cheese. so looking forward to it.
You can't go wrong with a nice bow tie .... just sayin' from a guy who wears one every day that I am in the office (home today).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Her thought patterns do seem to follow a pattern She tries to hook you then pushes you away This time she couldn't hook you, so she got angry and defensive b/c you turned the table and put it back on her
I like the idea of being validating within reason-cordial and brief ,and also giving her the power to fix the R with the girls as Job said- and she will have to figure out how
And when she blames you for everything, and you politely end the conversation again and again,, she will soon learn that kind of behavior won't get her what she wants and maybe she will stop-
I think the more you live your life, but at the same time offer her kindness without getting hooked in..the more it will benefit her I dont see her as a lost cause..especially if she's in therapy and continues to go within for healing- I also like the line as mentioned, .Im sorry you feel that way and I practice it with my kids a lot especially when I have to say no to something and they react- Happy T
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
hi bttrfly. xox. your 2x4 are most welcome. Just so happens i'm wearing a pink shirt today, so your 2x4 wrapped in a pink fluffy blanket shouldn't leave too many marks.
see you really *are* in my bttrfly spidey sense zone!!!
Quote:
I would block all private calls but I have many government agencies i deal with that have private numbers. So i have no choice to answer. I am known for answering fast, i wouldn't want to start sending them all to voice mail. Would a quick can't talk then hang up on her be ok? Not letting her get a word in.
I think that would be fine. Job's suggestion is a good one, to get off the phone after saying something along the lines of "i'm sorry you feel that way"
or you could say, "Sorry, now's not a good time. Take care." and hang up. Being polite and kind but firm is always a good strategy I think. I would think that the last thing you want to do is something that would make you feel worse, or give any ammunition to be told you're being hurtful and rude.
Quote:
as for the drop and run ... i will think of her as a snake and do just that.
hopefully you won't have to do this for the long haul, just for now.
Quote:
As for me being in your Bttrfly spidey sense zone. I am happy to be there.
happy to have you there
Quote:
She knows that I won't help her with the girls , that is why i think she is playing me. Knowing I never got closure.
maybe. or it could be something else. i read recently that our mind reading only makes us crazy, so ... you know what to do.
Quote:
In reality there is nothing to close. It is what it is and I need to get back on track.
you will. i have faith in you!
hope the parent conferences went well!
Quote:
thank you all for your support. I would say I won't let you all down but in reality i can't let myself down again.
I don't think you let anyone down, Irish. I prefer to think of these things as learning experiences. If it develops into a pattern that's something else. But you know I've noticed that you never make the same mistake twice, so that's why I think it's a learning experience for you and by sharing, for us also.
Quote:
I did sleep very well none the less. i won't worry about her next message. I need to worry about what I have to wear at an insurance foundation this Friday. Wine and cheese. so looking forward to it.
Good for you to not have this disrupt your sleep! Sleep is still somewhat elusive at times for me. Hmmm .... How formal do these things get? What about a nice light sweater - cashmere comes to mind - and a blazer?
Hugs back my friend! You're doing great xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Sotto, Andrew, Peace and Bttrfly :-) I Hope you all had a great thanksgiving weekend.
Sotto. not sure if you saw my answers to your questions. I answered them in red in an above post. #2717447 - 11/23/16 07:46 AM
Andrew. lol I would love to have the guts to pull off a bow tie. One day :-)
Originally Posted By: peace
I don't see her as a lost cause..especially if she's in therapy and continues to go within for healing-
That is if she is really in therapy. I think of her telling me this was just looking for pity. she was all over the place with her texts. I hope she is because it will be key for her to come out of this somewhat normal.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
I don't think you let anyone down, Irish. I prefer to think of these things as learning experiences. If it develops into a pattern that's something else. But you know I've noticed that you never make the same mistake twice, so that's why I think it's a learning experience for you and by sharing, for us also.
Thanks bttrfly xoxox means a lot your encouragement.
yes we do learn a lot here.
Small update.
No news from XW since that phone call. Was a nice break. Got my emotions back on track and actually i feel very good about everything.
This morning my D14 texts me. She is ill. Dizzy and blurred vision. Not doing well at all. I cancel all my meetings for the day and rush to her school. In Canada where I am you can go to the clinic. Get a number and they text you to come back when their is 3 people before you. So no waiting in the clinic. So i am home waiting for my text to come back. D14 is better but I will still get her checked out.
My Questions is. Do I advise XW. I think I should but I know her response will be OK. thanks. let me know. She won't ask how she is or even message me back to find out whats up. I know I'm mind reading but I'm at the point where I can't predict her response.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I think I would advise your xw after your daughter has seen a doctor. Once the doctor has informed you of what your daughter may have, then you can advise your xw of the diagnosis.
I hope your daughter feels better soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you really *are* in my bttrfly spidey sense zone!!!