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I think you did great and I am sure you're like me wondering if you've been perfect.....screw that...stick to the plan. I am working on this too and its hard. But I really believe I will get to a place where I will know what I want, regardless of what she wants....keep that in the top of mind and stay strong.

Just keep up the good work. Remember the changes you are making are for you no matter what happens in your sitch, be positive for yourself everyday. I have been able to find ways to be positive over the last 6 months no matter the outcome of my sitch. I have been informed that my changes have been noticed but it is too late and it won't last, she has gotten her hopes up too many times in the past and now it really just irritates my W, but I'm making these changes for me. You will make mistakes along the way but don't worry about it, just correct them and get back on track, don't backslide. My marriage has been in crisis for 15 years and my W gave up about 3 years ago but I'm still not giving up on the changes I'm making and I still keep the hope no matter how slim it may seem. Keep up your hope and keep making changes you will be better off for it.

Thanks 2Tours and ngs.

A couple of days ago my son came home from a birthday party and one of the things in his takeaway "goodie" bag was a rubber wristband with the Superman logo on it. After deciding that he didn't want it, my daughter gave it to me and said, "Here Dad, you can be Superman." I haven't taken it off since. When my W asks me why I'm still wearing it I just say, "Inspiration."

I think it's working

Get it wherever you can!

Hello Chris73,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Awww, that is so sweet that your daughter said you could be Superman!

Your timeline does seem to be moving along rather quickly.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Detaching seems to be working. This is not to say that it's helping my relationship, but it's working for me.

Yesterday I had an individual session with our MC. After it ended I had a VM from my W:

"Hi. Just wanted to see how your session went..."

(something I DIDN'T ask her about last week when she went)

"...also, I wanted to let you know that I certainly do appreciate all the things you've been doing to help the family and us. It hasn't gone unnoticed. So I just wanted to say thank you..."

Not gonna lie, this VM made me swoon! But I didn't call or txt her back. I went on with my day. About 2 hours later I get a txt from her:

"You ok?"

ME "Hi. Yes, perfect. Got your message. Thanks!"

She eventually stopped home inbetween work appointments and discovered me painting our bathroom. This was clearly a bit of a shock because I didn't mention it. I didn't consult with her on it. I knew what color she wanted so I just did it. I consider it an exercise in "manning-up".

My last bit of info has to do with asking for what you want. In my MC session yesterday the therapist told me that I need to be more direct with my W. So knowing that she was softening a bit and likely impressed with my paint job, I used the opportunity to ask for a favor...

Way to leave us hanging, Chris!

I think even if it doesn't help win your W back, just you knowing the changes are noticed probably helps your confidence. I love that you're "manning-up" and taking charge!

Keep up the great work!

(...hit submit too soon!)

For the last 2 days she has not been wearing her wedding ring. In her defense she cannot wear it for work and sometimes just simply forgets to put it back on. Last night she was planning on meeting the girls for drinks after work. I didn't refuse, object, whine, or make her feel guilty about going. I simply said, "Great, have fun. but would you please do me a favor and wear your wedding ring before you go out? I know it's hard to keep taking it off and putting it back on, but maybe you could wear it around your neck when you're working?" She agreed and nothing else was said.

Now I've read a little about Pursuit and Distance and I recognize that my W's softening may be due to my recent detachment...



So I will keep it up and not change my behavior.

We have a MC together on Friday night and then made plans to go out for a drink afterwards. I'm looking forward to it.

I believe your handling of her going out was spot on and your initial response of "Great, have fun." as well. But your favor of putting on her wedding ring, could be seen as controlling and I would just caution against requests such as this because it could push her away and undo some of the good that she has started to see. That is something she would need to decide for herself to have a lasting affect. For all you know she could have done it to appease you for the moment only to take it off later when she was out. Maybe she did just simply forget after not wearing it at work. I have been accused of being controlling and know if I would have requested that how it would have turned out. I know the pain, my wife has not worn hers for 6 months.

I see your point ngs and it's a tough balance for me.

All my life I've been a doormat with the women in my life and I'm learning how to speak up for what I want and what's bothering me.

The way I see it, we live together, we share the same bed, we're representing being a married couple to our kids, our families, and to the outside world, we haven't decided on separating, and we've both agreed to attend MC sessions to work on our marriage.

Given all this I feel justified in my request for her to keep her ring on. Sure she might have taken it off as soon as she left the house. She might have even lied about meeting up with the girls and met up with some guy at a hotel. But I'm done making myself crazy with what-ifs. I felt it was important for me to let her know that it was bothering me.