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Sorry Chris, didn't mean to hijack your post!

You guys all suck. I hate this tough love.

Kidding.

I appreciate all the insight. I certainly don't want to make things worse. My W and I are definitely in the friend zone at the moment.

One of my W's major complaints is that she's tired of waiting for me to step up and take responsibility for our life/family. For most of our marriage she was the "executive" of the family and handed down tasks to me. I became the 3rd child in the family because I never took the initiative to think about all the things in our life that needed attention (including our relationship). I waited for her to do it.

Last week in our first MC session she told the therapist that she has noticed positive changes in my behavior, but she's very hesitant to be optimistic because she doesn't think the changes will stick.

So how do I continue to nurture these positive changes that she's noticing and detach at the same time?

BTW, I gave my wife the "church" speech tonight. I'm pretty sure we're all going. She may change her mind in the morning, but I'm definitely going and taking the kids with me.

Good night all.

Simple! You have admitted that you became the 3rd kid. Detaching is being able to be alone and do stuff for yourself. Being a big boy and not dependent on anyone else. Keep forging through. Her comments are promising. BD date was less than 2 weeks ago so I'm astonished she's noticed things since then. I'm not even sure I've changed underwear since then.....kindling kidding, I don't wear any.

Oops separation mentioning date I mean

Thanks j20a00g. What about reconnecting? Suggesting that we do something together for fun, even if it's just watching a TV show together or playing a board game. I mean, we went from piecing to just roommates in such a short time period...

That's the part that is concerning.

The A was allergedly over a week after the BD. And almost 5 months later she mentions separating and 2 weeks later here you are.

Looking at the timeline, it just doesn't look legit. Perhaps I'm way off base but, I don't think someone that mentioned separating a couple of weeks ago would be over anything enough to want to reconnect yet.

You're right. I just don't know what happened. Things were really turning around at the end of the summer. We had our 9 year anniversary in August and I felt like we were reconnecting. Perhaps the reconnecting happened too quickly. Maybe she felt like not much had changed and pulled back again. I expect we'll talk about this in MC next week.

Oh well. Time to stop thinking about it for one night.

I went out today with my daughter and bought a bunch of new clothes. This isn't normal for me. My W always buys my clothes. But today I went without her and didn't ask for any advice on what to buy. Going to sport a new outfit tomorrow for church.

Nite all...

That's great! Those types of things are thinfs hat will help you be the person u want to be and also show her u aren't dependent.

When the H becomes another child for the W, her attraction for him as a man is lost.

What are you doing to step up and take the position as the man in his home?



Focus on being a manly male who is the leader of his family. You stop depending on your W. She does not want to be your mother. When a H leaves all the decisions to the W, it causes her resentment and a loss of respect for him as a man.

It doesn't mean you make big decisions without discussing it together as a couple, but you should have the lead. You should not have to ask her about every little thing, or wait on her (which is dependence) to make every decision.

sandi2, you are SO RIGHT on this!! My W has been waiting far too long for me to start doing this. My excuse has always been, "Wah, I don't know how to be a man, no one ever taught me." But you know when she mentioned separation (and today marks 2 weeks since she did) something clicked in me and I started stepping up. There's no way to tell right now if it's too little too late, but it's been a long time coming and I'm not going to make anyone happy (including myself) if I can't "man" up!

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. As I got ready to take the kids to church I asked her again if she was coming with us (because she really didn't give me a definite answer the night before) she said, "I haven't decided yet, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to get done around the house this morning." So I said, "Ok" without another word and went about the rest of the morning making breakfast, getting the kids and myself ready, and getting myself all spiffy with my new clothes and smelling good. Right before we left I asked her one more time and she said no.

So off we went. And I put it out of my mind for most of the morning. Church was hard, especially after the kids went to their RE classes and I was left alone. But the people there are very friendly and I eventually had a few minutes with the reverend and told her about my family situation (while choking back tears). She offered her prayers and support, which was comforting.

The rest of the day was great. With the exception of my current M problems hanging over my head, it felt like a perfect Sunday afternoon with my family. I spent a few hours in the yard dealing with the leaves and then grilled up some chicken for dinner while my W made salads and sides.

After dinner was over and the kids went off to play we sat for a few minutes in silence just looking at each other. Then she starts the conversation with, "You know I still care about you right?" I said, "Of course I do". She said, "I feel really rotten." I said, "Why?" She said, "Because I'm putting my needs over yours and I know that it's hurting you." I said, "I understand." and then I said, "Look, we've always been able to talk to each other. No matter what happens we need to nurture whatever relationship we have because we will always be in each other's lives because of the kids." She got a little teary and there was silence for a bit. Then she said, "You look like you want to say something to me." I said, "Nope, I really don't. You know how I feel. If something changes for me I'll let you know." We hugged and then went on with our evening.

After the kids were in bed and everything was done to get ready for today, I went out for a soak in our hot tub. Once I came back in and changed for bed I sat down next to her on the couch. She was watching a movie and asked if I wanted to watch it with her. I said, "I'd like to but I really need to go to bed because I need to get up early tomorrow so I can get to the gym before work." Then I kissed her goodnight and went to bed.

I consider all of this a decent attempt to detach. It was hard and I'm sure you guys will point out things that I should have done differently, but I feel like I accomplished something.

Tomorrow I have an individual session with our MC and then Friday we have another couples session.

Comments/criticisms welcomed and appreciated.