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I haven't heard of this, but will research it. I know that she's in more than a fog. I also know that this may be our end, but I do care about her enough to know that I don't want to see her do something harmful. What's weird about all of this is that I am not angry with her, just really disappointed that she's taking this path and I am getting more comfortable with moving on daily.

I hear you on the anger/disappointment front...I feel the same way. It may be because I have yet to fully detach, but I still waffle between making excuses for her and feeling sorry for her. The anger only really comes on when I think about my kids, the OM and, quite honestly, when I think about what I could have done to prevent it from happening. In my particular case, it was less about our relationship, and more about external stresses like work, a new house, etc. Too much pressure. I beat myself up still that I should have known she wasn't ready...only to be told by family and friends that stress isn't a viable excuse to do what she has done

Am I understanding you correctly, your C suggested a separation?



The friend may have good intentions.....or not, but giving your W a piece of her mind is not the way to help your W. Your W will just shut out this friend and find new friends that will give her support. If you have any more people tell you how upset they are at your W, you'd be better off if you asked them to please not say anything. The more outside interference you have with your stitch, the worse things can become.

It is heartbreaking to hear about your W's abuse. Did she not have any counseling until recently? That's a long time to go without any kind of mental guidance from professionals.

Shes had counseling off an on, but only recently has she worked with someone who seems to be reaching her. As far as the friends I get it, but she has so few as she is introverted, that she hasn't socialized this at all. The lack of research or socializing for her leaves her out there with no input as to what is happening to her. I only hope her counselor can reach her and that I have staying power to wait it out.

She has a hysterectomy scheduled for late January and that will be another hurdle for her and she hasn't planned on how she will take care of herself.....I get this feeling she's expecting me to do it.....yet she's leaving me.....I am struggling with what to do, as I should back off and let her OM take care of it. I am done being the safety net, as thats what I think she thinks of me as.

What would you suggest?

We've faced similar stress with her new job, but I am not going to let that fall on me. At the end of the day, she is in MLC mode and not dealing with any reality. Its sad to watch as no one gets it and she's acting like this normal. Unfortunately she will do a lot of damage to her life and our life as she goes through this.

My situation is well-documented on here, so I will give you a little rundown. Yours sounds a lot like mine - my ex-W's abuse started very, very early in her childhood and continued into early adulthood. Every form of abuse you can think of and then some. Raped twice. Almost killed by an ex-bf.

Mine was like two different people. When she puts her uniform on she becomes a very different person. Out of uniform, she's weak and easily led. Suicidal thoughts abound. Has attempted twice.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking - why did I marry her knowing all this? Well, I knew none of it. None. And I only found out through certain means after she said she wanted divorce. Maybe that's why she approached me in that bookstore. Apparently she molds herself to fit what she thinks everyone wants...my (our) counselor suggested she did that for survival in early years.

Mine did the same as yours with her affair.

Jeep74, Thank you for your input, I've read your posts and I see similarities. My WS is has not had that level of depression or extreme thoughts. I found out too after we married and we still had many years of happiness. I can attribute much of what's happening now to stress from a job she feels she in over her head with, turning 52 and wanting to stay young...talks about life is short, getting older,etc....and unhappiness with self. I don't have a lot of hope for our M, but as I read these books and forum posts, I have a better understanding of the condition. I will take this as another step in my process and keep moving forward.

The cracks started really appearing when our daughter turned the same age as when my ex's abuse started. Looking back, the flags were there. All of them. I just chose to overlook them because I thought that's how she was. Boy was I wrong.

I got the books, too. Followed the advice given (which was great). Everything. I guess my ex is different, because all of it had the opposite affect of what was intended.

See, in our counseling, she came out and said that she was famous for leaving relationships at the drop of a hat. And she had this "image" of how marriage's are supposed to be due to her grandparents...which she only saw what was given in front of them and not behind closed doors. But she never wanted to believe that and lived in a fantasy of that's how all marriages are - well, the good ones. Seems that she wasn't cut out for the day-to-day things in a marriage. So, when things didn't go that way, she bolts.

And you should have heard all of her excuses. Good grief.

It sounds a lot different than mine...my WS hadn't really treated our M like that...but the MCL has brought about an abrupt change. I have read a lot about the MCL and I see the parallels.

We are going to do a 30 day NC managed by our counselor on Dec 1st. She calls me or texts me, especially since I have LRT her more now than in the first few weeks. She asks how I am, what I am up to....I stick to LRT and I feel better about it.

I know I am on the right path and the input from these boards are priceless. I know that I didn't cause the MCL and that I have no control over it, other than how I react to it and how I let it affect me. I really feel better everyday. She will realize what's happened someday and I can't do anything to change that.

Hello 2Tours,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and that your wife was abused.

Is your counselor marriage friendly? It would be good to know so that you can manage your expectations in that department. Not all counselors are good marriage counselors. I'm happy to send you a link to Michele's "When Couples Therapy is a Bad Idea" if you would like to email me directly.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004