Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I cannot get over missing my husband

Thanks everybody for your comments. It helps me so much. I cannot wait for 2016 to be over - it has just been a crap year in every way!

Kml - shaving the junk?...sounds tricky!

Any ideas on how long these MLC affairs normally last? I've been told he acts like he's a puppy in 'love'. Can't imagine it's the real thing since he was well and truly in a messed up frame of mind when he started to see her...

I don't think he has any issues from childhood, just the failure of a company three years ago, fear of aging and I did catch him getting off while watching porn 10 months before BD and I went nuts/hurt/cried. I made him feel very bad about it but I thought we got over it, we talked a lot about it and he went for IC to try to stop. He was very loving for a long time after that. Now he tells people he went for IC to try and get out of his marriage. But then he also told my son that he went for IC to go through a program to stop feeling like a pervert...he says I called him a pervert...I don't remember that at all but have apologized many times to him if I did and, of course , I wouldn't have stayed with him if I truly thought he was one...but he still goes on and on about it. I feel very guilty about making him feel so bad about it because my IC told me that it was probably a stress coping behavior...he has brought up as justifying him leaving many times. Felt I was judging him! Is it just another excuse? xx

There's no telling how long his affair will last. It has to die a natural death and one that you didn't help along. Why? Because if you interfere w/that relationship, he will only step up to the plate and protect her for all she's worth and you will come off looking like the mean witch from Oz. When the affairs die a natural death, it will because one or both of them have called it quits because it's not working out. That could be a month, year or even years down the road. Most of the time, MLCers tend to stick w/one ow. Some do experiment w/others along the way until the find one that will meet their emotional needs. Just keep in mind that if he hadn't hooked up w/this one, he would have found someone else.

The ow is nothing more than a crutch to his crisis. He's on an emotional journey to figure things out as to why he was hurt so long ago. You may not even be aware of childhood issues/drama because he's suppressed it for so many years. It could have been something that he blocked out and didn't want to discuss...but when midlife rolls around, aging begins, etc., that's when something flips the switch and they begin to look at where they are and that life is getting far too short and they have to go back and attempt a "do over" to see what they think that they've missed.

If you have apologized about the possibility of calling him a pervert, then stop doing it. Once or even twice is enough of an apology. I suspect he's now projecting on to you what he thinks he thought he might be...a pervert. So, the next time he brings up the subject, just tell him you are sorry that he feels the way he does and that you've already apologized to him about the comment. Then find something else to do or walk away, but don't stand there and allow him to make you feel bad about what transpired a while ago.

He's trying to find a reason to leave home and you've not given him one. As for the IC...many of them visit with the IC and then state that they are doing it to help them leave the marriage. They hear what they want to hear and run w/it.

I hope that you are reading some of the other threads on this forum. You will discover that your h is going through some of the same things that others have posted here. You aren't alone...we are a family. I would also suggest that you read as much as you can about MLC and depression. Knowledge is power.

Please try to keep the focus on you and your family as much as possible. I know it's difficult, but you've got to take care of yourself and be sure to watch your finances and bank/credit card accounts. It's important that you do because the norm is that they do love to spend their money and yours as well.

Hard to say how long an Affair will last
some end quickly
usually the OW is not very put together and has issues-who else would go for a M Man

I think the more we stay out of it.the better
we just have to wish them the best or they will go faster and father if we talk bad about this new girl-

I had no contact with the OW ever(now XH wife)
she called here once or twice (I think she enjoyed the fact that she won the prize..my xh)
But recently , I learned xh is trying to get out of his Marriage and is extremely unhappy
It takes time for the euphoria end
but it always does-
because another person can't save us or take us our of crises..only prolong it
but the MLCer has to try and they all seem to.

Rarely, do I hear from any LBS that their MLCer is extremely happy and well adjusted in their new life and as the years progress they get worse unless they come to

hang in there

I haven't spoken to H about the OW other than to say that I knew he was having an affair with a young girl because he had denied that for 6 months...I told him I didn't want him to talk about OW to the kids, our mutual friends and myself ever...to keep that part of his life away from us. I also told him that as far as I was concerned she was just a symptom...maybe I should have left that part out:( He did acknowledge in a conversation that he realized that his relationship had an expiration date due to the age difference...what a fool to walk away from a happy family for something temporary!!!
Job - I know I have to keep an eye on the bank accounts, etc. but it really hurts to see all the money being spent on holidays, dinners, etc. so I really try not to do that too much. Also I thought we weren't supposed to snoop??
Thank you everybody for you input. xx

Where in the world did you get the idea that checking your bank and credit card statements was snooping? It is in your best interest to stay on top of those things. Keeping an eye on your credit card and bank accounts is not snooping. It is important that you watch your money! It's called being wise and knowing when to open an account in your name to protect some of your assets and to ensure you have money to live on and take care of your family, epecially if you start seeing a lot of money going out of the account and it's not being spent on the family and home.

Have you thought about setting up your own account and putting some money aside in it? What about credit cards? You need to seriously think about having your name removed from the joint cards and setting up your own credit card.

We have had posters in the past that didn't heed our warnings about keeping an eye on the financials and assets and they lost a good deal of money and were responsible for quite a bit of the credit debt and home equity loans taken out during the MLC trip because they didn't think their spouses would do such things and then it was too late. Don't for one minute think that he will care if you and your children have money for food, etc....because once he's deep in MLC (if he is), he may very well spend like it's going out of style just to impress his young lady friend and have fun at your expense. It's all about them and what they need to be happy.

When we caution people about snooping, it is about checking their phones, email accounts, Facebook accounts, etc.

Job - thanks for your advice. We have two joint bank accounts. I use one and he uses the other. At the moment, I am comfortable and can keep going for quite a while yet with what is in the account I'm using. On my lawyers advice, I took out half of what was in this account and put it in a savings account in my name. She said that if I took all of it it would not look good if we went for a divorce. I check my joint account daily to make sure he doesn't dip into it. Since I am also on his account I can see what he spends his money on. Our company income goes into his account and he uses it to pay for the bills and mortgage...and his travels, etc with OW. So far, he is not spending more than he gets into his account but he does go through a lot of money and a lot is spend on keeping OW happy:( My lawyer said that if this amount is substantial I can claim it back if we do end up divorcing as technically he is not supposed to spend marital money on an affair. We have equity in our property and everything is joint so he can't sale anything without my signature... I can't check anything like emails, phone, etc as he changed passwords on everything when he moved out...so no snooping could be done even if I wanted to. He is completely paranoid about everything...right down to wanting to have his name removed from our British Airways family account because he thought I could see where he was traveling to...which I couldn't and tried to explain that to him but, no, he didn't believe me. I don't lie to him and he always said I was the most honest person he knew. Now he thinks I'm just trying to "trap" him into coming home and lying about everything in order to do it...wicked me! How can a man who had so much respect for me completely flip to the reverse and think of me as manipulative and conniving...it really hurts when I just love him and want him back in my life so much...

Sosad55 I know it's hard, but try not to take things like that personally. Of course he doesn't trust you. He is cheating and lying, why should he think that other people are still honest? Also he is probably paranoid about everything that's why he thinks you want to trap him. My H asked me to not "use his mum" as she was going through chemo. I never used anyone, let alone my sweet MIL. And anyway, that coming from her only son that chose to go on a holiday resort instead of visiting his mum during chemo (in the same country) and lied about his whereabouts at the same time, was a little rich in my opinion.

Anyway, try to not take it personally, it's not a reflection of your personality, just part of his delusional perspective.

Esame - I really wish I didn't take it personally but it feels so personal and unfair. I'm so sorry about your situation as well. I hope your MIL is OK. I went to visit my MIL in the US recently and I asked her if she would be seeing my H anytime soon...she just answered "I don't think I will see him again"...she is 91 years...he won't see her now because she doesn't approve of what he is doing. It is so sad and he will never forgive himself if anything happens to her while he is in MLC. He was her golden boy!

Question - would it make help my H to see an IC/MC to speed up this process? Or would it just make things worse while he is in the MLC/Affair fog? Has anybody had a luck with that? ...think I already know the answer:(

xx

IC/MC will not speed up the process. Besides, he's no where near ready to even think about that. He doesn't think that there's anything wrong w/him at the moment. In some cases, the IC/MC will make matters worse because the MLCer is only going to hear what they want to hear and hopefully what they hear will tell them to leave the marriage and divorce the lbs. Some go to IC/MC just to please the spouse and only go once or twice.

The best thing is to just leave him alone. Like an addict or alcoholic, you can't help them...they have to want to seek help themselves.

I'm very sorry about your MIL. I'm not surprised that he's avoiding her. It's not just because she doesn't approve of what he's doing, but he see her as an old woman and the mortality reminder is there when he looks at her.

I'm so sorry about your MIL . I hope that things will improve between them