Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of the input.
I have been doing the 180's for me, but my wife has noticed because they have randomly come up in conversations. I have not told her anything that she has not asked me about. Then when I tell her, she has a surprised look on her face, but says nothing.
She has not been spewing for a few months now. Mainly because we have no R talks at all. So for now, that has been a good thing. I know that if I confront her, that might all change and she might start to lay it on me all over again.
I don't think she would deny it if I confronted her. I think she really thinks that she is single and already D'ed in her mind. I honestly don't think she would even consider it an A. Just moving on with life as a single person. That is just my opinion, but I might be wrong.
I have been implementing most of the DB principles and I focus on doing them for me and my kids. But I will admit, I have not detached from her at all. I am also not pursuing, but she does not show any signs of being worried about losing me. Detaching will be the hardest part of this process for me.
The only reason that I would consider confronting her is to take back some of the power that she has. Maybe get some respect back by laying down my boundaries. Get tough with her and let her know where I stand now. No more begging or pleading. This is now my choice and I am walking away from her. Let her know that I will not be a part of her life in any form if she continues to choose OM over me and our family.
I think I will hold off on any confrontation for now, but I would really like for some additional input from you guys and any others.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
I will admit, I have not detached from her at all. I am also not pursuing, but she does not show any signs of being worried about losing me. Detaching will be the hardest part of this process for me.
Yes it is hard however it is the most important thing you can DO!!
I debated the same thing, and while it felt good to let her know "I knew" it really didn't do much to help the M - if anything it created more friction between us and further dampened the chance for R as now it's one more hurdle she's got to get past and talk to me about (she'd have to do it anyways, but her knowing that I know puts reality to it as opposed to her potentially thinking she could hide it if she came back).
In retrospect I probably wish I had saved that conversation to a future date if she comes back.
On the other hand if you are going to talk to her - then you need to plan full exposure if she doesn't end it, which I'm not an advocate of.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
I'm confused about how or why you think confronting her will "take back some of the power" or "get some respect back."
It won't do either of those things.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of the input.
I have been doing the 180's for me, but my wife has noticed because they have randomly come up in conversations. I have not told her anything that she has not asked me about. Then when I tell her, she has a surprised look on her face, but says nothing.
She has not been spewing for a few months now. Mainly because we have no R talks at all. So for now, that has been a good thing. I know that if I confront her, that might all change and she might start to lay it on me all over again.
I don't think she would deny it if I confronted her. I think she really thinks that she is single and already D'ed in her mind. I honestly don't think she would even consider it an A. Just moving on with life as a single person. That is just my opinion, but I might be wrong.
I have been implementing most of the DB principles and I focus on doing them for me and my kids. But I will admit, I have not detached from her at all. I am also not pursuing, but she does not show any signs of being worried about losing me. Detaching will be the hardest part of this process for me.
The only reason that I would consider confronting her is to take back some of the power that she has. Maybe get some respect back by laying down my boundaries. Get tough with her and let her know where I stand now. No more begging or pleading. This is now my choice and I am walking away from her. Let her know that I will not be a part of her life in any form if she continues to choose OM over me and our family.
I think I will hold off on any confrontation for now, but I would really like for some additional input from you guys and any others.
Wow! So many contradictory things in here. I think you need to make today the first day of the rest of your life and start from scratch.
You do not have a wife. You know a woman you were once married to and are only connected to her because of kids. That's it. I'm so confused by you thinking you can set a boundary for her on being with another man as if she will care at all.
Wanna know why she hasn't been spewing? Cause she has a mouthful of c....ake.
You have zero right and zero "power" to question or demand or ask for anything. And even thinking that you do solidifies what you mentioned about not detaching at all.
How would it play out in your fantasy world? You: "I know u are banging bill" WW: no im not You: yes you are! And if you don't stop immediately I'm gone! WW: noooo mr bam! He's gone right this second! I can't imagine being without you! Let's forget everything and go rent a uhaul! I'm coming home and we are sending the kids to grandmas and you and I aren't leaving the bedroom for a week!" You: darn right!
Here's how it would likely play out with most WW: You: "I know u are banging bill" WW: no im not You: yes you are! And if you don't stop immediately I'm gone! WW: noooo im not! And even if I was, it's none of your business since I told you months ago we were done. Don't you remember? But since you wanted to bring up our R, we should talk about filing. So as you are walking out the door since you are about to be "gone", when's a good day to go and file? You: I'm serious! WW: 'me too! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Better yet, I hope it does so I have something else to laugh at along with you thinking you can still control me.
You get the point.... Detach!!!!! Read DB Read DR Read up specifically on the LRT Keep your mouth shut vent on here Quit fooling yourself that you are doing 180s productively. 180s without detaching are a waste.
*sets down 2x4 and gives you a bro hug*
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of the input.
I have been doing the 180's for me, but my wife has noticed because they have randomly come up in conversations. I have not told her anything that she has not asked me about. Then when I tell her, she has a surprised look on her face, but says nothing.
She has not been spewing for a few months now. Mainly because we have no R talks at all. So for now, that has been a good thing. I know that if I confront her, that might all change and she might start to lay it on me all over again.
I don't think she would deny it if I confronted her. I think she really thinks that she is single and already D'ed in her mind. I honestly don't think she would even consider it an A. Just moving on with life as a single person. That is just my opinion, but I might be wrong.
I have been implementing most of the DB principles and I focus on doing them for me and my kids. But I will admit, I have not detached from her at all. I am also not pursuing, but she does not show any signs of being worried about losing me. Detaching will be the hardest part of this process for me.
The only reason that I would consider confronting her is to take back some of the power that she has. Maybe get some respect back by laying down my boundaries. Get tough with her and let her know where I stand now. No more begging or pleading. This is now my choice and I am walking away from her. Let her know that I will not be a part of her life in any form if she continues to choose OM over me and our family.
I think I will hold off on any confrontation for now, but I would really like for some additional input from you guys and any others.
One more thing...wanna make an impact? SHOW her you don't advocate her behavior by detaching. And get it out of your head that there is even a remote possibility that you won't be a part of her life in "any form". You have kids together. You always will be.
If you really want to get some respect, act as if. Detach. Show her that you will be great without her. Don't tell her.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Cadet - I know it will be hard. I also know that I am still having such a hard time because I have not detached. I thought maybe confronting her would help me detach, but I don't know.
Pac - Thanks for the input. I know that if I confront her, it will change everything. I will no longer be able to talk to her in a friendly way and I probably won't even be able to be around her for exchanging the kids. I simply will not see her or talk to her at all. I can only imagine that this would drive her further away and closer to OM.
Rose - She has all the power now. I also think that she has no respect for me after the begging and pleading. If I confront her, I will lay down the bottom line. I will lay down boundaries about the OM and my kids. It will just be the first time since we separated that I will make my voice heard and stop worrying about how she reacts. I will have to let go of all of my fear and make a stand. I think she might respect that and know that she is not in control of the secret anymore. I don't know if this would be the case or not. Maybe she would be relieved. I am just at a loss as to what to do next and feel like the dynamic has to change at some point.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
J20 - I know that I am going to get some serious 2x4's here and I expect them. Your scenario about how the confrontation would go is probably spot on.
I guess my thought process was that because I was still legally her husband, it is still my "right" to ask her to stop. It is not like walking up to a stranger and asking them to stop. Again, that was my thinking. I know that she is kind of like a stranger, but that is hard for me to understand. I know that detaching will make her actually seem like a stranger, I just have not reached that point yet.
So are you suggesting that I don't confront her at all and go completely dark (except for the kids)? Do I wait for the kids in the car in front of her house when we exchange them and don't talk to her at all? I have thought of doing this, but I guess I always thought that she would wonder why I would do that, just out out of the blue.
Again, I know 2x4's are coming. I can hear myself as I type some of this and I know how it must sound. I guess my thought was that I either continue on being friendly like we are or confront her and end the friendliness. I didn't really think of any other option.
Thanks for the input and I appreciate anything anyone has to offer.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
Whether to confront or not is totally your decision. With that said, if she finds out you knew and said nothing then she will lose any shred of respect for you she might have left. Back to the doormat thing. The only time not to confront is if you're going to blindside her with divorce papers and are gathering evidence before she knows you're looking.
To save the marriage, if you want to, then you have to refuse to be disrespected like this.
Thanks guys, I really appreciate all of the input.
I have been doing the 180's for me, but my wife has noticed because they have randomly come up in conversations. I have not told her anything that she has not asked me about. Then when I tell her, she has a surprised look on her face, but says nothing.
She has not been spewing for a few months now. Mainly because we have no R talks at all. So for now, that has been a good thing. I know that if I confront her, that might all change and she might start to lay it on me all over again.
I don't think she would deny it if I confronted her. I think she really thinks that she is single and already D'ed in her mind. I honestly don't think she would even consider it an A. Just moving on with life as a single person. That is just my opinion, but I might be wrong.
I have been implementing most of the DB principles and I focus on doing them for me and my kids. But I will admit, I have not detached from her at all. I am also not pursuing, but she does not show any signs of being worried about losing me. Detaching will be the hardest part of this process for me.
The only reason that I would consider confronting her is to take back some of the power that she has. Maybe get some respect back by laying down my boundaries. Get tough with her and let her know where I stand now. No more begging or pleading. This is now my choice and I am walking away from her. Let her know that I will not be a part of her life in any form if she continues to choose OM over me and our family.
I think I will hold off on any confrontation for now, but I would really like for some additional input from you guys and any others.
Wow! So many contradictory things in here. I think you need to make today the first day of the rest of your life and start from scratch.
You do not have a wife. You know a woman you were once married to and are only connected to her because of kids. That's it. I'm so confused by you thinking you can set a boundary for her on being with another man as if she will care at all.
Wanna know why she hasn't been spewing? Cause she has a mouthful of c....ake.
You have zero right and zero "power" to question or demand or ask for anything. And even thinking that you do solidifies what you mentioned about not detaching at all.
How would it play out in your fantasy world? You: "I know u are banging bill" WW: no im not You: yes you are! And if you don't stop immediately I'm gone! WW: noooo mr bam! He's gone right this second! I can't imagine being without you! Let's forget everything and go rent a uhaul! I'm coming home and we are sending the kids to grandmas and you and I aren't leaving the bedroom for a week!" You: darn right!
Here's how it would likely play out with most WW: You: "I know u are banging bill" WW: no im not You: yes you are! And if you don't stop immediately I'm gone! WW: noooo im not! And even if I was, it's none of your business since I told you months ago we were done. Don't you remember? But since you wanted to bring up our R, we should talk about filing. So as you are walking out the door since you are about to be "gone", when's a good day to go and file? You: I'm serious! WW: 'me too! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Better yet, I hope it does so I have something else to laugh at along with you thinking you can still control me.
You get the point.... Detach!!!!! Read DB Read DR Read up specifically on the LRT Keep your mouth shut vent on here Quit fooling yourself that you are doing 180s productively. 180s without detaching are a waste.
*sets down 2x4 and gives you a bro hug*
Wow! j20, I really like this! You are spot on with how every wayward would act!
Mr. Bam,
Heed this advice, do not confront her about the A. Detach and get a life. It is the most difficult thing you will do to possibly save you and maybe your M.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
