Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives The cliff at the top of the mountain.

When you're dancin' with your honey
And your nose is kinda runny
And you think it's kinda funny
Well, it's snot

I passed out early last night and I woke up to such great responses and I want to thank you all. You all hit on some interesting points.

WII- THANK YOU. I feel the same way about you. Except you are not a lady:)

Don- I honestly did not mention my red flags here, so maybe that's why it's not making sense. Before we met, he was beginning to be a little inappropriate. He wasn't on our date though. Then the next day started off nicely, then it turned all sexual, like a switch. Like asking my how big my sex drive is, what time of day I like, what my favorite position was..... NOT APPRORIATE AFTER THE FIRST DATE! Heck, I am all for those conversations when I am dating you, and am comfortable with you and we know eachother better. So, yes, it was like a switch, one that I wanted to turn off. I got so upset by this because this is a theme with almost all my male encounters. he also makes so many sexist insinuations which I can't tell if they are joking or not yet, but I almost think he wants a woman taking care of all his other needs.

That being said, I am trying to find the right balance by not jumping to conclusions, remaining open-minded, but paying attention to my gut. it is really a hard balance. Maybe I'm not good at it.

UR- you get me like no one else. I'm trying to not to look and just let life happen. I am good alone. But I just miss things that a human misses. I am an old soul. This guy even says it. I do have old-fashioned values. I want to hold true to them the best I can. I want to keep the door so I can leave the bad ones out and let the good ones in. I don't have it quite figured out, but hopefully I will know it if it ever smacks me in the face.

Zues- We do actually think kind of similar in this circumstance. I am having such a hard time putting myself out there to have the same thing happen over and over again. I have to decide how important the risk is, and if I could handle it right now. To speak to what you said, your desires are your desires and should be shared with an understanding partner. When the timing is right. Yup, putting it all out there up front maybe isn't a good idea. But as someone grows to love you, that person will grow to meet your desires as well as hers. See, I am no prude. I am so open that way when I trust someone. But before the trust, I am not. It's not me judging the guy, or not meeting up to his sex drive.

V- it was so incredibly nice to meet you. You are just as vibrant, and certainly not Vanilla! HAHA! Thank you for the kind words. I am just trying to embrace life as best as I can.

I admit, I was cranky and tired yesterday, but I did really feel kind of sick to my stomach thinking this is happening yet again. I may be very well looking for an endangered species, but it certainly isn't a unicorn. I am so lucky to have guy friends who are the ones that help me keep hope that my values are real.

Doodler, I always appreciate your jokes and the laugh. You are always welcome to my island.

OHHHHH
I should add something good. I got an email from D9's teacher today reaching out just to tell me how well she is doing and how well she is adjusting and how she is always willing to help a friend out. I am so freakin' proud.

So G, you are getting the turtle? Hey, I didn't believe you were head over heels about the guy...I picked up your concern was the same as mine, he was assuming an intimacy that wasn't yet there. When he wouldn't let you off the phone even though you tried, that concerned me. It says he's not respectful of your needs and the sexual texts don't surprise me! I think you were trying to give him a fair chance and he did, on the surface, have some good points. Just don't let this guy stop you from trying again. I've had times too where I've had enough of the sh!t that people pull...had one a month or so ago...a friend of a friend. So, lick your wounds and look at how you might have handled this differently e.g. pulling the plug when you first felt uncomfortable. I've learned that in dating, online or off, to go with my gut. If something makes me uncomfortable then I pay attention now...mostly. Every bad experience I've had is because I've ignored my gut (and in the last experience I ignored something that seemed not right...because she was a friend of a friend). I'm not desperate and neither are you...but then I have a turtle!

My comments sort of feel like the outlier. I'm glad you took them as intended as I think you already know I think you're an awesome person. I'd never want to make you feel bad or worse - just hopefully help.

It's likely my addiction background and understanding at play here but when I hear someone flipping a switch that's what often comes to mind. Did he get sexual after 4 or 5 PM - like after work? Was alcohol posibly involved or something else? I'd certainly have to consider that based on how things changed so fast again.

Did you do anything to shut it down? I'm huge on "you treat people how to treat you." I think I made that comment regarding your daughter last week. It very much applies here. I would so encourage you that when a text like "so, what's your favorite position" comes in, while Doodler might answer "third base or short stop" I'd suggest you should have replied something like "wow, we are just getting to know each other, what kind of a woman do you think I am?" That would put him back on his heels and show a boundary. A decent guy will respect it and not push it again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you giving that response. There is certainly no down side.

I think you are a great person and without being cocky think the same of myself. Still I think it's healthy for both of us to investigate how our actions contribute to what we get. There has to be something I'm doing or about me that has kept me single for ten years. There may be something about you that either picks guys like this or gives them the green light. I don't think it's a body that screams sex even if that is the case. It could certainly be a sense the guy is getting that it's okay to do or say these things. You've even said your humor and banter is much like the guys. They may be seeing this as an okay to go there. If you clearly tell them it's not okay you'll know it's not you and is them.

Like I said, I know for a fact that not every guy only wants sex. I'm positive of it because I'm one of them and know others. Being in the music industry I also know guys and women just like you are encountering. I don't discount they exist as they certainly do. It's just not all of them.

Again, I hope I'm helping. If not, please tell me as the last thing I want to do is make it worse or make you feel bad and not even have any gain from it.

If you've pegged this guy correctly, that great. You did it in one date and about a week. Sadly that's just often how it goes. It's part of the dating deal. Had this gone on three months or had you been fooled or foolishly trusting that long, I'd be worried but you figured it out right away. You really do have to kiss a bunch of frogs. At least you got a nice kiss. I don't even get that half the time. Just chalk it up to the dating process. You don't have to like it but you're not going to change it. Yes it's disappointing but consider the alternative of what I did last Thursday (hint, there was no kissing involved).

Hey G

No need to thank me for the weekend – everyone participated and played a role in making a good weekend.


1) I get it and 2) YOU and YOU alone can sort through those feelings. Feel what you may today….you just may feel differently tomorrow. So how’s about instead of focusing on a “relationship”, you just focus on “being” (whatever that means that day).


Oh…I fixed your quote up there ^^^^

“BUT I’m not looking TODAY – Tomorrow is another day and maybe when I am not looking it will just happen”.

Actually – I love what my bat wielding partner is crime said…



BTW, have you thought of a Dane instead of a turtle? Hehehe.

You are all correct! I just need to get a little more control over my feelings. They get out of control a bit this time of the years. I am going to take it one day at a time. I need to just stop hoping and looking and accept whatever may comes my way. I'm living in the day.

I've thrown myself into my gym program which lasts until the end of the years. I love my 45 minutes there every night. It keeps me busy and makes me feel good. I love getting together with my good friends. I'm good.

What it comes down to is I need to chill the F-out. So I'm going to do that. I'm just going to be.

DonH- I wanted to speak to your suggestion of examining what I am doing to attract these guys. I have been afraid it was my fault. I have tried everything not to. It's not me.

On another note, he has been texting me, he said he is just joking, and he would never try anything unless I gave the go ahead. He still really wants to see me again. We will see.

Eric, a dane is a good idea! 200lbs of hairy love that will sleep in my bed and drool on me! It's like having a man that doesn't talk back!!!!!

IMHO any guy who's texting you about positions and when you like to do it blah blah blah after one date is someone to walk away from. "I was only joking"? Give me a break! Move on.

Just so I'm clear, I'm NOT saying it is you (or me) it may be, it may not be. I just always try to avoid blocking out the fact that it could be something I'm doing to contribute - right or wrong good or bad. I'm picky so that's on me. I for sure would go on way more dates if I were less picky. I'm just saying we both need to be open to what or how we may contribute to things.

I think you are very much on the right track with chill the F out. I'm positive that the less interested I was in someone or the more laid back about them I was, the better the R went in the early weeks and months. I was a great DBr before I even knew what it was! I was just living. I had total confidence and dated as much as I wanted to. Since D I fear I struggle more to do it now that I know what I should be doing! I've lost that confidence and feel more "desperate" or at least wanting. I really want some dating success. Sound familiar?

I don't know what to say about the plumber. Your senses maybe right on. I can't tell from halfway across the country. I just know you can't go wrong telling him what you want, and teaching him and any future guys how to treat you.

One last question and thought. Has he been a guy you would date again in person? Is it only on text that he's a guy you Have concerns about? What about on the phone? Is he just blowing it with you over text? If so I'd rather date someone who's a great date in person than great on text and a dud in person. You can work on his texting skills way easier than his in person skills.

Speaking of sexual positions...

Did you know that, back in the day, George W. Bush went to a little diner to have breakfast with some of his aides. He was looking at the menu and the waitress stopped by and asked if he was ready to order. He said, "Yes, I'll have a quickie." The waitress slapped George and walked off. Then, George's aide looked at him and said, "Sir, that's quiche."

I wasn't going to post today. I thought maybe I shouldn't be posting so much anymore. But I guess this is a comfort zone for me to spit out stuff I need to get out of my head.

The plumber has stopped the insinuations and says he really wants ot get to know me better and we are going out on Tuesday. He was not inappropriate in person at all, and I am sure this second date will tell me a lot.

I've been thinking about how to forget someone you once loved. How do you do that? It's weird, I never had to forget my ex, although I often wanted to. I know someone has ridded me of his thoughts, as he should, but I don't know how to do it myself. I realize my feelings are hurt by being forgotten about. And by forgotten about is not thinking about me anymore. I took some sort of crazy solace in knowing he still thought of me, but know that time has passed, one of us has forgotten about the other, but not the other one, it's kind of rough. I am just figuring out how to deal with it, because I am seriously done with this situation. It's just something knew for me.

That being said, I am killing myself with GAL so I don't have to deal with life, lol. I am on the run constantly, gym every night, I am even going to a volunteer orientation for a mission next week so that I can volunteer on my very little bit of free time. I am just having a hard time being still because I honestly don't want to deal with the feelings I am having lately. I'd just rather not.

We went out to dinner with my dad last night and we had discussed me a little. he was having an argument with his cousin which led him to tell his cousin all I do on my own. (long story). My dad told me how proud of me he is. He said he knows how lonely I am, and tears began to flow. I told him I cry myself to sleep most nights, and instead of criticizing or trying to fix, he gave me empathy. He looked in my eyes with sadness for me and said "I know" I promise you, this isn't the end to your story, it will happen for you, and when it does, it will be RIGHT" It meant a lot to me.

So, I am just trying to ignore my feelings and not deal with them for a little while. That may sound dysfunctional, but I think it's what I need to get by for now.