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I am feeling much less of a victim Sandi. I'm beginning to miss the marriage and memories more that I miss my W. She's just a completely different person now.

I am a very emotional man and this stems from losing my Mother at 19. I've never recovered from this and suspect this led to a massive fear of abandonment which then switched my role to one of a pursuer.

There's a lot of stuff that I need to do which goes completely against the grain of my core beliefs, and if I'm honest, I worry that leaving my W alone to deal with what ever she needs to deal with will end up in losing her completely - my instinct tells me to fight.

I need to let her go to see if she comes back - I'm beginning to understand that she may never have actually been mine (as the old saying goes).

I welcome the ongoing support and advice and will certainly be sticking around.

I have my 2nd counselling session tonight and then have a parent / teacher conference tomorrow with the W so need to try and keep my cool and stay calm.

Any advice on this would be gratefully appreciated...

Watch this space.

So is this something you are investigating in counseling?


So do you think you can fix her?

Also, what do you mean by fight? The basic process for DB is to set goals and then only do actions that take you towards them. How is doing something that takes you away from your goals at all beneficial? By doing nothing, ARENT you "fighting"?

Hi Darkness, Its something that I'm just realizing so do need to look at this (and whilst it may all be connected), I can only deal with so much in one go.

It's not my job to fix her is it. I can only concentrate on myself and if she changes her mind see where I'm at at that point (see, I think I'm getting it).

My instinct says to 'fight' which I've learnt is counter productive and pushes her away even further, but I've historically been a 'fixer'. Somethings broken, I try to fix it. Going against the grain feels very strange.

So, as the pursuer, your version of "fighting for the M", is to run after her until you've just worn her out and she gives up?

Think of DBing as a new version of fighting for the M. It will teach you new ways.

I'm not sure what you mean by going against your core beliefs. Like what?

Sandi, Yes I guess it WOULD have been my initial reaction. "fighting" would have been to pursue and chase. I know now that this is wrong.

I came from a family where my parents had (what I perceived to be) a perfect marriage. If there were problems, you'd sit down and sort them out. This is ingrained into me (core belief).

I almost feel that working and concentrating on me is turning my back on the marriage. It seems that none of my efforts are being placed on reassuring my W that I'm capable of change....

...Now through my learning, I know that actions speak loader than words and my W has no reason to trust my words - so actions it is! I also know I cannot control her (nor do I want to) and that the only way that our M stands a chance is if she wants to come back. I must not pursue her and this in turn (amongst other actions) MAY show her that I have changed. Its then up to her if she likes the new version of her H. She might not!

Sandi, your sig says it well - what I 'know' has failed me. I need to re-educate and gain a whole new attitude and perspective. And although difficult, this should be done solely for me.

A question Sandi,if I may?...

Been looking at the going dark threads. As mentioned, I have a Parent /Teacher conference with the W tomorrow. Whats your thoughts re this - I feel that this is one situation that would deserve full discussions and being dark would be detrimental to my S.

would you be in agreement with this?

RBG -
Truly "going dark" is akin to falling off the planet. You have a 3 year old son together, so that just isnt possible. That said, you dont need to be sharing the details of the goings on in your life and you should limit your contact to only times when it is necessary.

But yes, ABSOLUTELY attend your son's conference.

Brilliant - Thanks Darkness.

I feel I'm really learning this week - ploughing on with the books and materials I have at my disposal and am feeling different (not better yet, just different).

I'll keep any communication to a strictly necessary basis and do all that I can to ensure that my S is not affected.

Cheers
Rich

So had my 2nd counselling session last night and we discussed my apparent fear of abandonment (stems from the death of my Mother), but is obviously compounded by my W walking out.

My Counselor is pleased with some of the progress that I am making and the fact that I am doing a lot of work to identify my own issues. But she has stated that I need to lean on people a little more - accept help & support from those who offer it.

Its suggested that I should also accept my feelings when they arise and stop trying to analyse what is going on else where as this is me distracting myself from dealing with my own feelings. Interesting stuff really.

This is a horrible journey, but I do feel that a very small corner has been turned and at the moment, I'm taking any and all positives that I can.

Hi RBG, that all sounds really helpful to me - and a good investment of your time. Here's the thing - in the longer term, if you are able to healthily process your own feelings and better manage your fear of abandonment - you will lead a happier and more peaceful life.

When people say - become the best you - they don't (just) mean wear some nice shoes and cologne....they mean this kind of stuff. ie: deal with those things that do hold you back and impact on your relationships. Kudos to you for engaging in that.

I have to say, having pretty much reached the other side (I hope) - the number one thing I would look for in a guy would be emotional maturity.

Good luck on your journey