Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

Thanks Guys.

I appreciate the perspective with option 2. I guess not leaving the MBR is the same as not moving out. Stand my ground. She wants this, I don't. Why should I give her what she wants, right?

As for my W's PA/EA, she swears she ended it in May when I found out and despite being paranoid as hell, I really have no reason to think she's lying. The funny thing is that I'm not really even focused on the affair anymore. It used to tear me up on a daily basis, thinking about the two of them together. But I'm surprised at how fast those images faded for me.

Her feelings for the OM run deep. He was an old boyfriend from before we met. So I think there may be some lingering withdraw happening. But lately I feel like the discussion around "we should have never gotten married" is stemming from a much deeper depression and MLC that my wife is dealing with. As I mentioned before, she brought a lot of baggage into our relationship and now I have a tendency to believe that the resentment she's built up over the last 30+ years is all getting funneled to me because it really has nowhere else to go. Her mom is the main source of her depression, and she died 3 years ago.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit deep. But it really helps to journal all of this out on this board instead of dealing with it in my head or even worse, talking to her about it. I'm grateful to you all for giving me a voice in the forum.

So today I reached further in my attempt to GaL.

Got up at 4:45 and took the train in to the city early so that I could hit the weights at the gym. It's been a while since I've done any strenuous exercise other than running and I was surprised that I'm actually a bit stronger than I thought I was.

I spent last night alone with my kids while my wife worked late. It feels good to have the opportunity to take care of them both on my own (cook dinner, homework, baths, playtime, bedtime). By the time my wife came home everything was done. We had pleasant casual conversation and she seemed a little more willing to be close to me (she initiated a few kisses and hugs). I poured us each a cocktail and we headed down to our basement to watch the election coverage.

But there is one minor setback that I have to mention. Every year during the holidays we hire a professional photographer to take photos of our family. Most of the photos are of our kids, but there are a few of all of us together too. The photos always come out great because we go outside and the kids run around and we get some really good candid shots.

This year my wife told me that she would prefer that we didn't do the photo session beause of "all the things that are going on with us right now". I was a bit crestfallen hearing this and started to argue "but we're still a family right?". But then I stopped and realized that one of the things that my wife always complained about is that she didn't have a voice in our decision making and that there were many times where she felt like I pressured or strong-armed her into a decision.

So I dropped it and told her that I would respect her wishes and not persue the photo session any further. She said that we should still get the kids pictures taken at a portrait studio for the holidays.

But this morning I got inspired with an idea...

Why not take them out myself, with my own camera, and do a holiday photo shoot? It will turn out better than anything we'd get at a photo studio. Plus it will show my wife that while I respect her wishes, I still have some control and I plan to leverage it.

Idk, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of this.

Anyway, I also got my copy of the DR yesterday and zoomed through the first chapter. I'll be spending my lunch hour reading more.

If you are planning for your photos to be instead of the portrait studio pictures your wife plans to get, then, no, I don't think you would be showing her you respect her wishes.

Hmmm. Never thought of it that way...

What if I asked her how she felt about me taking them instead of the portraits?

...Or should I just drop it?

No, just drop it.

I say if you want to take photos of your kids, take photos of your kids. Hell, take photos of any flipping thing you want, especially if you enjoy taking photos (it's one of my new GAL passions).

What I wouldn't do would be to force the pictures on your W or even show them to her, especially since she's told you she doesn't want that right now. That will feel to her like pursuit and manipulative behavior given your current dynamic, IMO.

Thanks all.

I think dropping it is a good idea. I think my W's objection is that she doesn't feel very photogenic given our current dynamic. I don't know if that means that she doesn't want to force a smile or she doesn't want to look back years later and feel like the pictures look fake, knowing what we were going through at the time.

But the other side of it is that we haven't taken good, professional pictures of our kids for 2 years. They look a lot different now and certainly won't look like they do now for much longer. So I'd like to capture that, even if I'm not capturing the whole family.

We have another MC session next week. I think I'll bring this up and see if our therapist can help us navigate the emotions on both sides.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling remarkably positive and inspired today. I'm making changes in myself that I should have made years ago, long before there were any problems in my marriage. It stinks that so much suffering had to happen to get me here, but I can't look back now. I'm not giving up. I'm really starting to feel like my old self.

So here's my next question for the group:

The weekend is coming up and I would like to start going to church again on Sundays. It's been over a year since we stopped going, mostly because obligations with sports for my son, but our schedule is free now.

I've written a script for telling my W about going to church and I'm practicing it in my head.

Please let me know what you think:

1. Initial statement after getting her attention:

"I'm going to church on Sunday morning."
(not, "I'm planning to go" or "I would like to go")

2. Follow up, inviting her to go:

"It would be really nice if we could all go together"

3. Immediate no guilt, no pressure follow up:

"I understand if you'd rather not"

4. Finishing up by asking for what I want:

"But I'd like to take the kids with me either way"

No more words after that.

If she says ok...discussion over.

If she says "I don't want to go but you can take the kids"...discussion over.

If she objects to me taking the kids, I simply ask why, but don't argue.

What does everyone think of this approach?

Chris73,

You're gushing with pursuit.

Try this: I'm going to church Sunday and I'll be taking the kids.

If she wants to go, she'll let you know.

Good Grief doodler, that's gonna be hard for me!!

Or:

The kids and I are going to church on Sunday.