Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not as sad-Part 2

Molly,

Yes! The him-thing is done, but the you-thing is just starting to grow and blossom. Get out and kick @ss!

Does sitting in the theatre waiting for "Trolls" to start count as kicking a@@?

Did some fun stuff today. Saw a movie with DD. Went shopping. Chatted to a couple of friends. WS sent me a message asking me, again, if I am dating I didn't respond. Don't really understand why he is asking.

Been thinking quite a bit today.

Has anyone else been disowned by your ILs? Not one has contacted myself or the kids. It's like we no longer exist. They have supported WS though. It stings a bit. DD and I were talking about it today as we tried to think of our plans for Christmas. My kids are hurting and that bothers me a lot.

This is natural. Think of it this way. If your d was in a relationship and she told you how miserable she was and sad and abused emotionally and etc etc etc....what would you do?

Did the same thing today

It was a cute movie.

Nope, I wouldn't do the same thing. My kids are their grandchildren. I understand them disowning me but not the kids. It's insane. WS has also pretty much disowned the older two. Mostly because they disagree with and are hurt by his choices.

This is all still new to EVERYONE! I haven't talked to everyone in my family this month. I hope that doesn't mean I'm disowned.

Point is. Stop focusing on what everyone else is or isn't doing! You are the coach of team molly. Kids are on the roster. Everyone else is sitting and waiting to be drafted. Don't even worry about that at this point.

1. Relationship with yourself
2. Relationship with your kids
3. Relationship with your dog
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17. Relationship with your neighbor
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54. Relationship with spouse
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1,999. Relationship with IL

Point taken.

I honestly feel good and centered despite it sounding like I am losing it. The joy of anxiety......my mind never ever shuts off. Ever.

I think I am doing okay today. Still haven't responded to WS's messages asking whether I am dating even though I wanted to say something really snotty back about how he dated through the last four years of our marriage. I just ignored it and didn't text him at all. I got a message this morning reminding me of DDs dentist appointment so I sent back a to the point messsage suggesting that since I've got her parent/teacher interviews and an eye exam this week, maybe he could do the dentist appointment. So far, he has been fun dad and hasn't had to field any of the mundane stuff. His turn. I also asked him to take her for an overnight. Yay me.

I haven't posted to you before as I like to read all the threads.

To answer an earlier question PM is disabled on the board.

Molly, I made great strides when I detached. Before I did so, the x behaviour had me attached to what it meant and did I do ok? The minute I detached and the water off a ducks back principle kicked in,my emotions stabilised a great deal. XWH actions drive me insane and trigger until I get back to detaching. His emotions, rants and abuse no longer do so.

NC means no contact other than admin, otherwise it's minimal or reduced contact.

There is a lot of myths around it. There is a thread on detachment and Cadet gives a link in his opening post. It is the key to many things and I suggest you read and absorb over and over. It's a skill once you have your will always do so. It's a key life skills to learn. To attach to yourself not another. It is observer mode.

To me detaching was letting go of the outcome, of any outcome at all, good or bad. Letting expectations fly out of the door. At the moment you are more attached to his actions and reactions than your own.

So no expectation with MC, xWH behaviour, what he did or does, said or says, means or meant.

Dealing with admin too in a BIFF way will really help.

Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

Please Google BIFF responses.

So in BIFF terms, some emails, texts and calls need not be answered. Others require immediate attention.

This dating may keep rearing it's head though, and if you say no not now then the question may get asked over again. Be prepared to tune it out.

So it may be better to say nothing at all and be like the Mona Lisa and smile. There is no way you can reassure him if that's what he is truly after. looks like temp checking to me. If he gets aggressive with this "are you dating" say "are you?"

And there is nothing wrong with a strong truth dart answer. Just ask here first is my thinking before you go hard in. As an emergency response "why do you want to know?" Or "really?". "Please dont ask again until you confirm you have cleaned up your own litter box" works fine. There can be more than one poop in a litter box, xWH had a few in his whilst pointing to my litter box. I cleaned mine up really well whilst xWH did nothing.

Observe the answer, if he says "I want to repair our M and am really worried you have moved on" that's one thing and temp checking quite another.

Oh and if he is chasing detach from it. Until he is all in and prepared to work his stuff then detach, that's my view.

V

Several posters here have used shared on line calenders to book appointments, that may work fine for you too.