Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The book of Lou - Chapter 6

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

God it's a brutal process, isn't it? I think Lou that focusing right back on yourself is a great solution. Going out with your gfriends again, doing all the things that you did for yourself before reconciliation was an option ... I love this for two reasons: 1. it empowers you and 2. let him see who you are.

Now I'm going to tell you something my love: You ARE worth the full package. H is absolutely right. So ... whether with him or without him ... do not lose sight of your own magnificence.

xoxoxoxo

Lou,
I'm glad you are getting out and about w/your gfs and looking for a job, as well as a car. You need to have these things to focus on while your h is still trying to feel comfortable in his own skin.

His comments about attraction to you and the sex issue are very common w/MLCers when they reconcile. It hurts when they talk about such things, but I can assure you, it's very common and many spouses have spoken of this issue after they reconcile. It's still depression talking and again, it takes time for them to feel comfortable in their own skin.

Continue the activities that you have before he returned and if he wants to sit in a corner, let him, but you go about your business. Life as you knew it when you two were together pre-crisis is gone. You are dealing w/a very broken/fragile man right now and like Humpty Dumpty when he fell off the wall, no one can put him back together...but himself. Be a friend, listen, validate and if he wants to join in on activities, then so be it...but you live your life to the fullest.

You are the prize...he knows it...but he just doesn't know how to go about winning that prize back. Give him time and space and one more thing...dig deeper for patience.

Hmmmm - Just my two cents from the other side of the gender wall. It might not be helpful but perhaps might add perspective.

Pre BD I had a very active libido and a large "appetite" for all sort of things including food, news, wood-working, reading etc. My W was low desire as far as the sex life part goes but we made that work all the same and we had some things that we were both passionate about too.

On BD2 when I found out about the affair it was like a switch went off inside my head. It actually felt like something had "snapped" and changed. I still remember it clearly and can still feel the echo of it. All of my passions left abruptly. I also abruptly did a few radical (for me) actions such as cutting off my mid-back length hair. I started walking obsessively and other sorts of odd actions such as obsessing over how the bed was made and the number 13 (the day W and I met). I think that if my W had come back dancing naked through the MBR in those first few weeks that I would not have been able to do anything about it. I had fallen into a very deep and dark depression including suicidal thoughts. Presumably nothing as deep as what I've read about with MLC sufferers but it scared the crap out of me. One of my fears was that none of my appetites including my libido would ever come back. I was deep in a fog, lost and confused and jumping at every shadow.

It's now 6 months+ after BD2 and I am only now slowly getting back my passion for things. The libido - no way to tell for sure but it certainly doesn't fire me up the way that it used to.

What I'm trying to say / suggest is to perhaps instead of looking at this as a sex issue and that he's not seeing that part of "your package", to look at it as a "passion" issue within him. Think perhaps of what else your H used to be passionate about be it butterflies or searching for ambergris. Perhaps if you can support him in being passionate about other parts of his life, perhaps his other passions will also start up. For me, I'm getting a renewed interest in food and in current events - not quite to the "passion" level but I can feel myself becoming more alive as that "broken bit" that happened on BD2 is I hope slowly reconnecting. It does appear to be reconnecting in a different shape for me though so what worked in the past for him might not work now.

Hope this helps. Sending you good thoughts from the other side of the planet and the gender wall.

Hi, just a quick one to let you know that H told me this afternoon that his counselling session yesterday confirmed to him that he has changed and he no longer finds me sexually attractive and that he feels that he he no longer wishes to remain with me, he does not feel time will change anything, he wants to have the opportunity of having a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

Of course I am heart broken and I am angry that he has bailed so soon, but I also know that deep down he is not the guy I fell in love with and he is probably not a guy I could fall in love with again.

He is leaving this weekend.

Wow Lou........I'm so sorry! (And what a crappy therapist!)

Still.......maybe this will finally give you some closure. You have him a chance and he totally messed it up. You did everything you could do for your marriage. Now you can move forward with a clean conscience.

I had peace in my heart when my ex finally left that I had done everything that I could do to save the marriage. I let go and focused on MY life and you know what? I've had grand adventures, built a business, learned to play the drums in a band, had great sex with charming and handsome men who appreciated me. I now have a wonderful man who treats me and my family like gold.

You are ready to get out there and LIVE. Let go of him, you can't save him and he's weighing you down.

oh my sweetheart i am so sorry to read that he's given up so soon. {{{{{Lou}}}}}

kml is right - you've given it everything you had. he obviously isn't done baking. more importantly love, is what you said about your own feelings. lets focus on those right now and let him go ... you are worth a true partnership and all it entails Lou. xoxoxoxoxo

Lou,

I am so sorry to read that he's bailing so quickly, but I honestly do not think he was ready to reconcile. I think he went into panic mode when he saw that you were doing so well and enjoying life and that he didn't want to lose you, so he came back far too soon. Some of them do this and it's very hard on the lbs when they walk the second time.

I'm not surprised that he "heard" what he wanted to hear in the counseling session. Most of them only "hear" what they want to hear and tangle it up to mean something else, i.e., find their happiness and leave their spouses, the marriage is over, blah, blah, blah. I do not think your story is finished just yet. I think he'll attempt to reconnect w/you again and if he does, make him do the hard work to woo you back...if you are still available.

Lou, you have done everything you can possibly do to make things work. Now, it's time to put the focus on you and do the things that make you happy and will help heal your heart, mind and soul.

Again, I'm sorry.

Lou, I'm so sorry to read this and I'm sending my warmest hugs to you. ((((( )))))

Job has been around here for a good while and knows what she is talking about. I agree with her posting and I also think it may well have been too soon. He is still dealing with stuff and that stuff gets in the way of feelings for others.

As is often posted on the forum. Actually, you get to decide whether this is the end of the road for you and he. Clearly, things are not going to progress towards reconciliation at this point in time. Going forwards, we just don't know. He is acting from emotion and how he feels right now - scared and worried that he may get stuck with how he felt before - ie: trapped, missing out on 'life' - like many MLCers feel.

I think the usual wisdom applies here - detach, move forward, live your life and give yourself some time to decide whether you want to close the door here.

Do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Xxx

Sending you good wishes Lou. You can be proud of yourself.

Hi Lou,

I just wanted to drop by and say how sorry I am to hear the turn of events. I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I KNOW you can drum up the strength to make your life AMAZING. Loads better than it ever could be with someone so damaged, selfish and adolescent.

While he is fixated on the sexual attraction, like any 16-year-old boy would be, maybe you could fixate on how he FAILED miserably at showing himself as a grown man capable of a mature relationship. The concept that you could pick up like two 20-year-olds in heat, after all the pain he caused and all the baggage... is beyond the pale.

My exH bounced back on several occasions. They were light bounce backs, so it wasn't as profound as your sitch. Reliving the rejection all over again, though, is sooooooo painful. And, you have the added bonus of being humiliated.

In my opinion, this is blatent emotional abuse, MLC or no, and I cannot believe the therapist didn't call him on his B.S.

His immaturity alone is just jaw-dropping. Wow. And, WOW. How incredibly childish and selfish and adolescent. MLC isn't a free pass.

When my dad had his MLC and left my mom for his secretary, he wrote me a letter explaining how my mother's weight was the problem. I was 17. He said he wasn't sexually attracted to her any longer, because she let herself go. So, this issue is big for me.

One of my worst fears is discovering I really am gross or unsexy, non f-able... not worth having someone stick around. The my exH's OW has fake boobs and keeps her a size 2 with cigarettes and other drugs. I'm not a size 2 anymore. I have 5 years of a lot of stress and my body has aged. I'm working on healing and loving my body for bringing me safely through all this pain. I'm working on altering my idea of what beautiful is... It doesn't have to be a size 2 with perfectly perky boobs.

I think it's natural to have those insecurities after an affair and harsh rejection like we've all experienced.

I want to thank you for sharing your story on here. Reading along has helped me to see the reality behind he fears/insecurities.

I actually did some reading on male aging and sexuality after reading your latest developments. It's super shiddy to expect you to be the end-all-be-all to his aging body.

What your situation helped me see... men who rely solely on physical attraction are a-holes. Men you can see the value in all the other pieces of a relationship and/or try to build on the sexual... a-holes. Men who look at me as a number or an object. A-holes.

So, again, you have a chance to reinvent yourself. You didn't like the past job. It was too hard physically.

Someone asked me yesterday to visualize my life, when restored to sanity.

What does your life look like after you are healed from this latest foray into MLC-Land? Get specific. How does it feel to be healed and confident and loving your life, with no one around telling you how you are not sexually attractive?? What a d-bag.

You are BEAUTIFUL. It's easy to see here how AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL you are. If he is blind that beauty, he's just not worth your time.