Honeypot - you're joking, right? Are you really blaming her for her SO's issues? Please tell me I'm misreading what you're saying.
Alorna - Porn or no porn, you are in an abusive relationship. The power trips he's using on you are CLASSIC techniques an abuser uses to scare you into staying with him. I am saying this because I have been there. My first husband was an addict (alcohol) and used his anger and rage to control me. It was gradual, so that by the time I was in too deep I didn't realize the path I'd taken to get there. By then he was watching my every move. The few times I tried to leave he would chase me down the street. Then he'd apologize and be remorseful and I'd take him back. Then we had baby twins together and I thought I should stay with him for their sake. But one day, while he was yelling at me and berating me in front of them (they were about a year old) I looked into their little eyes and I could see fear. And I knew I had to get out. Alorna, get out. Wait until he is gone from the house. Don't make excuses, and don't listen to his threats about taking your baby (it's a CLASSIC threat made by abusers), just pack your stuff and get out. It's only going to get worse. If you don't have the strength to do this for yourself, do it for your baby before his little life is ruined, too.
Heavy, I was not directing this at the original poster but to Pam (Aquarian) whose issues with her husband are actually issues (imo) that they BOTH need to work on. She seems to shove off a lot of responsibility for their current breakdown on him, when it should be shared equally.
No, the original poster has my deep sympathy. Her H is in a deep addiction and I think she needs to follow through with her ultimatum. That is unacceptable behavior from him.
No I am most definitely not that kind of person. The way she is being treated is really horrific and the way he is choosing this addiction over his wife and child is just SAD. For all involved..
After that fight the night I was going to leave with my son, I've been afraid that my SO might leave with my son while I'm sleeping. Right now I'm just letting him do his thing...I still don't like it...but I am tired of spending my time thinking and talking about porn...I really feel spent on everything... I'm not a passive/submissive kind of person...and I don't want to be. I feel that that's the only way it can be...right now. I still feel trapped. After all the crying I've done my whole being feels numb. I hope things get better...I'm trying to keep my son away from the negativity when it comes up.
You do whatever you have to do right now. Just stay the course if that is all you have the energy for. Very soon the day will come when you will be ready to move on and will feel the urge to make a life for yourself and your son, free from a man who has made other choices.
There are many here that understand your confusion and fear about leaving your SO. We have been in your shoes. I left my kid's dad when they were less than two years old and I know that I made the right decision, as hard as it was to do at the time. It was hell, I will not kid you about that. But I was living in hell with him and I know that if I had not left when I did, I would have been dead. I did not want strangers raising my children, they needed me, and that thought made me gather my strength and do what I had to do.
Have you contacted a women's shelter in the area to give you counseling and advice? It might help you see what you can do for yourself and your son. They might be able to answer questions that you have about custody of your son or refer you to a lawyer who can help with advice. Be proactive and do this now while you are deciding what to do. You need to know your options.
Don't tell the SO that you are thinking of leaving. It can get very scary if they think that you will actually leave. The violence, both physical and mental that they can/will do to you and your son, can be unimaginable. This is just a caution. This can be the most dangerous time for you if he thinks you really may leave. He sounds like he must be in complete control to maintain his masculinity. In actuality he is a coward, threatening and treating you like he has.
Addictive personalities can be very difficult to live with as they do not see that there are problems, the problems are always directed at you, no matter what you do, act, say, nothing you do is ever perfect enough for them even if one time it was okay, this time it throws them into a rage.
I left with a few things packed, some important papers, like birth certificates, etc., very little money, no job, no place to live, and moved as far away as I could. The kids and I lived in the car for awhile until I got on my feet.
I know that you are worried that he might take your son and that he threatens that you would never get custody back. If you have no drug/alcohol problem, and that can be proved with blood tests, have realtively stable employment or educational history, no rap sheet, (arrests, etc.) and no history of psychological problems, you are in a much better position to retain custody of your son than he is.
I had Child and Family Services called on me numerous times even after I moved far from him. He was just harrassing me and messing with my mind. All of the allegations were unfounded, and the Social Workers knew the situation. It is very common to have pissed off ex-SO's try to get you back with these tactics. Hopefully the folks at the women's shelter caould give you some information about this phenomonon.
You have to decide if you have strength to stay or the strength to leave and that is tough call. He really does not love either you or your son by his actions. You deserve so much more.
You need support Alorna, much more than what us bunch of faceless strangers can give to you. Do you have any family or friends nearby whom you can confide in?
I think your H needs a wake up call. He obviously has a porn addiction problem that needs to be fixed and is in denial of the fact. Like any other addiction, it is difficult to break off from and the only way to do that is from within. Nobody else can help unless he is motivated to recognise the problem and change. It does not sound like he does and you and your son deserve a better life than what he can offer at this time. Change and leaving is hard but others have done it. Johanna is a good example.
Johanna, it sounds like you have been through a lot and I think it makes a stronger person out of you don't you think?
