Quote: [D]do you think there is ever a point where a relationship issue (addiction comes to mind) has gotten too toxic and abusive to really try a 180? Isn't there just a point where you should get out? I'm asking this, DBR, because I appreciate your male point of view on this porn stuff.
Sure, I mean you have to make some boundaries, and if your SO/H/W won't respect your boundaries, then how much do they really care about you?
On the surface...sounds like a lot of double standard stuff...and it also sounds like the guy has serious issues if he has that much porn. He's collecting enough porn to supply a small country.
A copy of Playboy is one thing...40 CDs of stuff is another. Wine at dinner is one thing...a bottle of Jim Beam a night is another. Know when to say when...
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
I can relate to how porn makes you feel. My H has been into porn since the beginning of our R. He had a slutty poster in his bedroom when he were dating, and I remember asking if he could remove it once we became intimate. Then, I realized that he's exposed to it daily at his work since they recycle magazines and newspaper. He's had porn in his car, on our computer and tv. I always told him how insecure it made me feel and that if he really cared about my feelings, he could give it up. He gave it up for me, or so he'd like me to believe. It's a terrible feeling to wake up and find him watching porn on tv, and scrambling to change the channel.
This addiction definitely had a negative affect on our marriage. Many times, he would wake up, go watch porn, get revved up, and have nonconcentual sex with me.
Last night was terrible. He had just downloaded some new porn that he hadn't seen yet and he wanted to go see it in the computer room. He closed the door shut as he went in. I pissed me off and it really hurt me. Our baby was awake and he'd rather go look at this porn to see if it was "good quality" porn so he could keep it or delete it.
I wanted some attention from him for me and my son, but instead he's more interested in his porn.
I got my son's diaper bag and my son and headed out to the car. My SO came out after us. I got my son strapped in his carseat. My SO got in the drivers seat and he wouldn't get out. He wouldn't let us go. He said that if anyone was leaving it would be him and my son. He said that my son would never leave him. I started getting loud and he said if I came back into the house we'd talk about it. So I did.
Then he starts talking like I'm the bad one. That I tried to leave with his kid so he doesn't trust me now.
I've never really been able to trust him. He's done [censored] behind my back many times also, but he doesn't see it that way. He wants me to accept him for being him. He says that I'll never get my son. That I can only visit him. I didn't know that the state would let a child stay with someone who does (or wants to do) pot and spends most of his time (other than work) on the computer playing computer games and looking at porn. He thinks he can take better care of our son than I can, and I've taken care of him all his life.
I know my SO doesn't respect me. I don't want my son growing up thinking it's ok to treat women like that. I don't want my son growing up thinking it's ok to do or want to do drugs even if it's pot it's still a drug.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped.
Call the cops on him. Get him arrested. Really, it's only a matter of time before something really BAD happens. This guy is a drug abuser and a people abuser, and he's also totally wrong about who'd end up with the S. Do it - it's your only way out. You may have to stage an "escape" when he's out...
Don't underestimate the danger you and the boy are in...
Btw, I gave my SO an ultimatium. Porn or me. He said that he's not going to do anything different. Ultimatium or not. He's not going to choose. But he did. It shows me that he wants porn more, becuz he won't stop.
Life is a game of chess. It's your move. You gave him an ultimatum...he made his move...which really was to become more defensive.
If the guy actually works, I would seriously consider packing enough of your and your son's things to move out. Stay with a relative, stay with a friend, or check into a hotel for a week. Go dark. Show that what you said you wanted you meant...
It ain't gonna be easy...but it's better than becoming a statistic.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
He sounds like a real a-hole. He's totally wrong about who gets to keep your S. If you want to get out of there, start collecting evidence, e.g. pictures of his stash, pictures of him toking up, pictures of his porn cds, a copy of the cookies file on his pc, etc. Go to a lawyer. Build a case.
But remember, when the gloves come off, are you Miss Perfect? Because he sounds like a fighter, and his lawyer will come after you, too. Are you clean?
Men are pigs sometimes. Not all men, just some of them.
Hairdog, who likes porn, but would take the real thing in a New York minute if it was available.
I don't do drugs. I've had one sip of beer in a year and I don't miss it. I'm the one taking care of my son mentally and emotionally and physically. What else did you want to know that makes me clean? Or not?
I don't know, Pam, this does not sound like a porn addiction to me. AT ALL.
I think it is a case of a man turning to porn because he senses that his wife has no interest in him. THAT is a quite different situation from the original poster and does not constitute an addiction.
I would agree with you that if the porn bothers one person in the relationship, then it should be discarded but ONLY if the other person is willing to step up to the plate. You can't control his sexuality to that point--by saying, I won't have sex with you but I don't want you using porn either. Can you see the unfairness in that statement?
What DO you want him to do?
In what way is it acceptable for him to express his sexuality?
