Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

well, I guess I can't trust my feelings. my wife came home early, and I talked to her for a minute, and out of the blue my feelings come roaring back. yes, I want my W back.

I had went to the basement for a bit, and she was texting me stuff, being given nice and playful. well, I asked her if she wanted to have sex. she said no, but that's a 180 for me no doubt. but I would've sprinted upstairs if she'd said yes, and I hadn't felt that way in a while.

anyway, point is, I guess emotions will be all over the place, and not to do anything rash.

Yes, that's how it is with those darn emotions.

I opened my big mouth again. she didn't have a ring on left hand, and I said, so we're not wearing our wedding rings now? I guess that means I can take mine off, and it's ok if I talk to girls?

she says yeah, whatever, then went back to fussing at our S about something.

I wish I hadn't side anything at all, but damnit, I did. now I'm sad again. well, f me.

Sure, it was a mistake. We all made lots of them when we were in your position. It's not like you've got any context with regards to appropriate betrayed husband behavior. Instead of beating yourself up, you can, from time to time simply apologize in a confident manner (you're not begging for forgiveness here). You're hurt and you want to lash out and control everything on one hand and the other hand wants to fix it, own your own crap and be nice to her hoping she changes her mind and decides to reconcile. You're an emotional basket case.

Being playful and texting back and forth the night before was perfect. It's about as much 'intimacy' as she can likely handle right now. Her coming home early is a pretty good indication she tried to go out and have fun but just couldn't. To me that confirms 'no contact' too (though maybe she was going out hoping to see him and he couldn't/wouldn't get away???). Even the apparent quick shot you took for sex, without begging or sulking afterwards is OK. Doesn't sound like her response was - "no way, yuck" but was probably more along the lines of "I'm tired, not ready for that" - which is progress and you communicated you want her.

But the passive aggressive statements about the rings this morning were not really authentic. You don't want to date anyone else right now. Just ignore the ring. It's her side of the street and out of your control. it's something she's processing. It's probably not about dating other people (she loves and misses OM) but more her pride about having to follow through with divorcing you because of OM as well as convincing others she's serious. Wear yours. Keep wearing it until you are actually divorced. Your vows were to her and God - a promise a man makes forever. Counter her wishy washy'ness with conviction in action.

Bulldog, the W's OM lives 800+ Iles away, so she won't see him out. I'm as sure as I can be that A is over.

journaling:
yesterday, I went to a football game with some friends, my team won, and we had fun. came home, showered, then was waiting on S to wake from nap, so I laid with my W in her bed since she has monitor. we just small talked, nothing big, but the vibe felt good fwiw, not cold or anything.

S woke, and I went to my parents with S, had dinner with them, then went to friends house and played cards. it was a fun night, and I didn't feel sad or down or anything, I felt good.

the W had plans to go out with friends. this morning we talked. I wasn't going to ask about her night, but she asked what we did, so I told her. I asked if they went to anywhere new, she said no, then said, they didn't end up doing much, basically going to a bar, which was mostly dead, then hitting waffle house.

she actually texted me at midnight asking if I was coming home, and I said probably (and I did end up home).

not trying get to read into anything, just noting.

before I left this morning to go running, I did tell her this was hard for me because I do still love u. she just nodded and uh huh, or something. it did the really bother me, but I just wanted to see her reaction.

until next message, good luck everyone with ur life and relationships.

You obviously haven't been doing much reading. Perhaps another method may suit you as opposed to DB? You truly have a shot at doing what works and it working! Based on all the readings and my experience of finding the resources apparently too late, I can say with confidence that each day you appear to be digging a bigger hole. Laying with her, all the chit chat, telling her you love her, etc and that was just today! If that's giving her space then dang man, I would hate to see your clinginess.

Hi j20a, I understand what you were saying, but I was simply testing the waters there. That was the 1st time I had told her that in weeks, and the 1st time I had laid down with her as well. I don't think it was a good test for me, so I do need to continue to give her space.

As always, appreciate the advice, even the tough love kind!

Nutts -

Have you read DR?

If so, what are your goals? And how are your actions taking you closer to them?

You know what they say is the worst way to check the temperature of an oven? Opening it up and taking the temperature! You let all of the heat out.

My point in saying this is that "testing the waters" isnt really a great strategy as it basically sets you back to 0. I get that in DR, it is advised to try different things and see if they 'work'. But I wouldnt advise trying the things that this community already knows DOESNT work.

Just food for thought.

I'm reading it now, every night before I go to bed, when W is in other bedroom. I've not set goals yet, I wanted to read all of DR, then go back and work through the exercises.