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Things went downhill last night. The kids went in the house with my parents... I took a little time to "decompress" I guess you could call it. I called my brother, he was short with me and wanted to get off the phone because his D23? was there.

I went to the camper, my parents and my kids were in there... Parents were taking over the place. The kids had brought out a bunch of stuff, including a pile of cushions from my parents's couches, my parents said nothing. The kids started organizing things in the camper, my parents said nothing. They always just let the kids do whatever they want. My parents say that they think that the kids know what they can and cannot do. The kids think my parents will tell them right from wrong. This has always been the case, I came home last summer to the kids having destroyed things I wanted to keep, my parents said nothing.

I told the kids we needed to get ready for bed, my parents just sat there. So the kids didn't move either. Can't blame the kids.

This morning was better, feeling good about myself, but it has gone downhill all day. xW will be picking up the kids tonight from a place I will be. Even though the transfer of the kids will be through my parents, and likely outside, I'm not looking forward to seeing her. This place will be packed with my relatives so that should force her to not make a fool of herself anyway.

Wow do I wish this "game" was over. In one hand I don't even care if I win or lose anymore, I just don't want to deal with her any longer. Too bad that's not an option. On the other hand I want to show her I am happy, strong, confident, someone only a fool would leave.

Saw xW again tonight, she came into the restaurant I was at. I am guessing she didn't know I would be there, or that my extended family would be, or she wouldn't have come in. She had her brother's two D's along, they came running up and hugged me, I chatted with them for a minute. I am guessing the combination of all these things bothered her.

My parents went out to meet xW to get something she was supposed to bring for me, and she forgot it. And she was pi$$y, I could tell from inside the restaurant the way her arms were flailing around. Wow, what a pity party for herself.

I am curious what set her off... The things I listed above? Or did she see on FB that I had the kids out in the boat? And in the camper? And my daughter on a dirt bike the weekend before? Or because she got the letter from my atty about her excessive spending? The truth of something apparently hurts.

I am still stuck on the WAS vs. WAW vs.MLC... Apparently the approach to each is different according to Sandi. Her filing an OFP forced me to file D to get my life back. She was cake eating for too long, going on with life with all my toys and all my money. When I filed she got angry, very angry. Selfish all along. There are things I can do and say through my parents. Take the approach of tough love or kind hearted?

IMHO, you can take the approach of tough love with a kind heart.
She chose to no longer be part of the family. She no longer has the right to concern you with her concerns.
You can draw the line or this. But you can be kind about it.

My WAW has been the same way. Upset at every little thing I do or don't do.
I can not worry myself over it. I will smile, make decisions that make me and my daughters happy and enjoy life.
I am still respectful to her, greet her with a smile and kindness and I do hope for the best for her.
Just my thoughts.

Zephyr brought up a good question...what is your goal with this? To move on?

I am with you OFP in the above quote & have the same exact feelings. I sense there is alot of resentment, anger and bitterness which are all the feelings I have for my STBX. I am tired of the legal back and forth, spending like a drunken sailor and dealings and want a normal life back. I want her to feel pain and suffering as I have which she would say she has but it is different.

From my readings and talking to some other folks divorced, it seems that the initial couple years the feelings you are having are normal. I prefer my STBX would pick up and leave forever right now. But I know that would hurt my daughter and is not reasonable. It is good you have a family support system around you so keep spending time with the kids and focusing on being strong. Some snap out of it right away and some it take years to wish they worked things out.....

My post above was supposed to say WW vs. WAS vs. MLC.

I agree about not jointing her pity party, of course I am curious about what her issue is.... Maybe because I STILL think I need to resolve it? Yep, I let her in my head far too much.

I guess I am going to have to admit to "trying to win her back" being my goal.

Ironic you mention the "easy button", I have one on my desk a former coworker left me. It seems to not be working though.

I really do hate that this is happening. Building 2 separate lives seems like such a waste, when there is a chance (though very slim) that we could end up putting it all back together again and have wasted time and money on duplicate stuff. Seems every day that passes, the more separate our lives become, the older the kids get, the less reason there is to try to put it back together again. I resent her for taking that time away from us... We could be out doing fun things as a complete family, right now!

Side note, another FF from high school contacted me last night. Not too far into the conversation she comments that I am still "super adorable." Oh boy, another one I am not interested in dating, and this one "seems" to be pursuing.

Interesting updates...

xW is still feeling "entitled," asking for yet more stuff, even though the asset list is settled. She still needs the custody schedule I made, so I'll give that to her to avoid confusion.

I realize I had almost entirely female friends prior to meeting xW. I've reconnected with a few of them now, and I still get along with females better than males, not sure why.

FF#3, I was good friends with when I was about 16. She just got ahold of me, and is already hitting on me something fierce. I am not interested in anything more than a friendship with her, ever. I guess I have to practice setting boundaries.

FF#2, I was good friends with at about 18. The friendship is going well, I'm not interested in dating her, she doesn't seem to have any interest in dating me. I plan to do some stuff with her and her kids this summer at her mom's house where we used to hang out.

FF#1, I was good friends with from 4th grade through about 10th. She is cute, intelligent, friendly. I have a pseudo-date with her on Sunday. The 2 of us planned a boat ride, stop at a restaurant, etc. She might be filling a void for me more than a codependent should have that void filled?

I told my kids I had a date. I realized afterwards that I had a hidden agenda (hoping it gets back to xW), and that it wasn't very nice. Oddly the kids were fine with it.

From one of the threads from Cadet I think it was, it says "if you have to ask yourself if you are ready to date, then you are not ready to date." I'm not asking myself that question, in fact I am suddenly excited about it. A month ago the idea of a date was quite scary. I think one thing that makes this less intimidating is that I already know this girl very well. We can go do something fun and comfortable as friends, and see how it goes.

Posted on V thread


I have read many of your posts, but never looked at your signature... I would have guessed many years had passed for you since your D, and this is how you collected so much wisdom. I realized today how recent it was when I read this:

To see you are still in pain, I cried for you. You have done so much for this community, sacrificed so much of your time to help others, maybe that is the gift you were meant to give? Too bad none of us will ever meet you in person, or to let those around you know how much you have done for others.

Thank you



Ironic that this is in the same post from you, and also something I wanted to reply to.

What are we supposed to do?

Deal with our own stuff. That's enough for one lifetime. It's a big enough job.

In a crisis we put on our own life jacket first.


Make excuses for them to justify their behavior?

Not our circus, not our monkeys. We hold firm our boundaries, state our boundaries clearly and ensure that we enforce them.

Please Google Al Turtle on boundaries


Or be angry?

Feel your feelings. It's good to observe that anger means a boundary is infringed.

Or both?

Observe

I oscillate between these 2 feelings hundreds of times a day, making me feel like I am turning into a split personality.

This is referred to as cognitive dissonance. Two conflicting beliefs.

Dr Jeckyl in me wants to find W, tell her I forgive her, hold her and comfort her,

Yes I get that.

give her the love her parents never gave her, make her feel safe,

That's not your job. It's her parents and now hers. Your job is as her H not her mother.

let her know I now understand her fragile condition,

OK, validate fine enough. She needs her big girl pants on.

that I'll always be gentle with her from now on (well, I already did that once in a long hand written letter since

This is making her an infant. That's not life and how it behaves. Doing her no favours with this or yourself.

This is work she can only do herself. FOO is a personal burden. Of course we can help to provide an environment for change for another, and they do the work themselves.


Mr. Hyde, wants to hunt her down and do bad things as revenge for the pain she has caused me and my children.

Not your circus or your monkeys. This she will do to herself most likely.


Sounds like this is still a struggle for you also?

Actually no, and few internal conflicts for a long time.

One of the earliest lessons learned here was detachment. I stopped letting xWH actions affect me. I let go of his actions driving my emotions. It was a revelation, I am not responsible for him. I knew this intellectually of course, but the washing machine mind kept my thoughts looping. Each revelation on detachment releases my burdens.

Let's be clear, detachment means not my circus not my monkeys, play in my own sandpit.

Observe.

Detaching isn't unattaching. It is observing and standing. Letting your own emotions including anger guide you. It means letting go of the need to care or exact revenge. Looking after your stuff and that of your children. That is asking enough of yourself and a big enough job. To be a good enough parent for your children is demanding enough, dads can do this, help their children become little independent human children. To become themselves, to know boundaries.

It means fine if waywards work on themselves and fine if they don't.

Letting go of the outcome.

My way of doing this is to move into observer mode. Called position three.

Position one is you
Popinion two is the other
Position three is the fly on the wall or observer
Position four is the spider on the wall watching the fly on the wall

This is detaching in action. You can Google NLP positions. There are lots of resources. If you can learn the observing trick it will really help. It is my go to.

It's a technique

Hugs

V

V, thank you for your post.... You always amaze me with not only your insight but being able to communicate so much info into so few words. I have already read your post many times, and googled cognitive dissonance, it was interesting, and fitting to my sitch.

I am also happy for you that you are able to detach. I can feel that I am slowly getting there, but still get wound up easily by xW. Last night my mom and xW were going back and forth about stuff via text. xW is sitting on 95% of the assets, and patting herself on the back for being so civil by sharing $200 worth of stuff. She just doesn't get it, probably never will. I struggle so much with wanting to explain it. But she'll never get it, why waste the time trying?

Talking to FF#1 and FF#2 is so much better than any conversation I have ever had with xW. I talk to FF#2 about xW a lot, but really limit it with FF#1, she's my go-to for having a life away from xW. FF#1 has read about the love languages, I was surprised by that, she's obviously someone who is interested in self improvement. She also just finished some continuing education, very cool! I now wonder if that was part of the reason I was friends with her for so long and was never interested in dating her, she wasn't the type I was looking for, I subconsciously wanted weak and broken? I had weak and broken for 21 years, I want the next one to be something better.

So, now that I am starting to see that there are "better" people out there, detaching is becoming much easier. I am so looking forward to growing my relationship with FF#1, whether we stay friends or end up dating, she is nice to talk to. I just have to be very careful I don't start counting on her to be my sole source for fulfilling my needs.