MLCers generally do not listen to others when it comes to what they are doing. As Cali pointed out, they do not think that there is anything wrong w/them, therefore, they tune others out. In fact, some will even think that we, the LBS, put people up to trying to convince them to return home and to the relationship. People who attempt to help are generally then shut out like the spouse. The more we try to help/reason w/them the more determined they are to do what they want and the same applies to others as well.
The best thing that you, as the spouse, and others can do is be a safe place for them to land and that means listen, affirm and do not judge them. Part of their complaint is controlling and manipulating them and that's what they think they hear if others step in and try to talk to them.
Also, many of them will do to counseling and come away w/the idea that divorce is the answer, when, in fact, the counselor didn't suggest it at all.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry, but I just don't have enough to say about myself here now to fill 100 posts, nor the time. I'm just not really comfortable with sharing a lot about my life with strangers. I have never been one to talk about my personal life this way as it really doesn't do me a lot of good and I feel I have already opened up more than I really wanted to do so because of this rule. The rules actually are stifling me from getting the sort of support I need, which is to ask questions without having to share about myself. By burying the questions in a personal thread rather than a separate thread with an appropriate title, it becomes a random stream about myself, which makes me uncomfortable, rather than a topic-focused discussion, which is the sort of discussion I benefit from. If this is going to keep up then I may be better off leaving because it's just not structured the way that helps me.
[quote=2Lady]Sorry, but I just don't have enough to say about myself here now to fill 100 posts, nor the time. I'm just not really comfortable with sharing a lot about my life with strangers. I have never been one to talk about my personal life this way as it really doesn't do me a lot of good and I feel I have already opened up more than I really wanted to do so because of this rule. The rules actually are stifling me from getting the sort of support I need, which is to ask questions without having to share about myself. By burying the questions in a personal thread rather than a separate thread with an appropriate title, it becomes a random stream about myself, which makes me uncomfortable, rather than a topic-focused discussion, which is the sort of discussion I benefit from. If this is going to keep up then I may be better off leaving because it's just not structured the way that helps me. [/quote]
It's one of the site rules, so I expect it will continue.
It's not my preference either, but the person who pays for the site gets to make the rules.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I understand that you aren't comfortable w/sharing a lot about your life and my last posting didn't ask for personal info from you. It was to inform you that you can continue on one thread at a time and change your subject line each time you have a new question. I can edit the posting on this forum that has some of your personal info on it, but I can't edit the original posting over in Newcomers. You can let me know about this and I'll be happy to delete the info for you.
We visit the threads each and every day and sometimes more often and when we see a new posting pop up, we come to visit and are more than willing to answer any question that is posed by the poster on that thread regardless of the background info. Questions are always welcome, but we do ask that posters stick to one thread at a time.
Why not give it a go and see how this works for you? I post on a number of forums and I can assure you that this is one of the better Forums out there...but that's your choice to make, i.e., whether to give it a go here or try another internet forum. Any forum that you visit will have a set of rules of some sort. I don't make the rules for this Forum, I just follow them and advise others of the rules. I'm sorry.
I totally get that, in fact the men on this side of the tracks typically do not want to toss out the personal stuff either. I was one of those ... she was the one with MLC and the problem not me so what would sharing my internal thoughts/feelings .. most of all FEARS do but make me even more uncomfortable in this mess than I already was. Then a few things started happeneing, some vets for some reason took notice of my thread ... they started asking me the hard questions, ones I avoided .. again they persisted.. pushing me to look in that mirror at Cali and I for the first time in my life started actually seeing who that person was and change began.
I share this to express how important the LBS journey is, I think in fact its more important than the one our MLCrs are on.... why? Because we can actually walk this path and a few of the brilliant people here can make you puch yourself to walk the harder road which in fact creates a better you .. I am here to testify that I have become better due to people here who did not have to care, did not have to help but thankfully they did.
You may feel uncomfortable sharing ... I did too, its hard to help someone who will not get out of the car ya know? I am nt saying spill all beans, I have read your sitch from post one and I can see some issues that may be ... well different in approach than the majority here ... that being said the approach is the same, the advice will be the same and most of all the journey is also the same ... his MLC is his to own, you r journey is also yours and its how you would like to proceed from here on out that will define where you end up.
Cali's posting is very honest and spot on. When we ask questions about a situation, it's not because we are nosy people, but because we care and we can't help a poster if we don't have any idea what is going on.
We are not professionals and don't claim to be professionals in the field of MLC, but we are all survivors of the damage that MLC/Depression have created in our lives. Not one person who posts here has come here to brag about being a role model for anyone. We are in all stages of the journey. My journey ended a number of years ago and I opted to remain here to help others navigate the pitfalls of MLC. Yes, I've read a number of books, post on other forums, have had friends in crisis and also worked w/groups off line, but that doesn't make me a professional or a role model. It means that I enjoy helping others that are traveling the path that I once was on. I learn something new each and every day when I come here and I am more than willing to share any info that I find that I think may help someone along the way. You learn to read, take what you need from that posting and leave the rest behind. Each and every poster has something to offer and it may not help you, but it could help someone else some day.
It's up to you as to how much or how little you want to share. Again, we do welcome questions and we will continue to visit your thread and if you continue to post, we'll be right here to post to your next thread and so on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When you are done testing, would you like me to delete your testing post?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
