Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New LBH with WAW/possibly WW, need help.

If your going to go home and tell her how upset you are, then don't go home!!!!

Lemme ask you, what's best case scenario... Ok, best case in my mind is she sees your really upset and feels guilty and says she doesn't want to D and will stay M to you.... Yeah, right... NOPE... Go back and read my sitch, my WW knew what she was doing was wrong, agreed to stop talking to OM other than at work, and it was bad... It made me a wreck, she wouldn't do anything to work on M and kept doing things that I won't accept in my M, why??? Because she didn't want to work on it, she wanted her high she got from being WW. If she comes back because of guilt, it's just gonna cause a slow death, and she's totally disengaged, so it's only a slow death for you...

For your M to work, she has to want to be with you 100%, piecing is hard and if both parties aren't committed it ain't going to work... Trust me, she ain't going to care if your upset, it's not going to make her want you, even if your really upset...

Ever see a few good men? Demi Moore told the judge she objects, the judge said Over ruled, and Demi says but she strenuously objects. it didn't change the judges mind, just made her look a fool.

Your WW has to miss her H, the strong happy person she used to know, so take away her husband and let her watch you grow from the outside looking in, don't let her in until you know she wants it more than anything.

Lemme say this again, piecing is HARD!!! Even if you're committed you will still probably want to walk away... She has to be committed, not guilted into it.

If you wanna see how hard piecing is, read BluWave's stitch, she only started her thread a year after starting to piece and she still struggles, but her H is committed so together they work hard to try and get through it.

Well, Coconut, I didn't read your post before I talked to her tonight. You have some great points, and I have to agree with you. I need to get into that way of thinking. Thank you for the words of truth.

Journaling:

I played with my son after work, had dinner with him, and watched some cartoons before bath, all the while W was with us. No serious talk, just small talk. I bathed him and read to him (it was my night for that), then my W and I watched a TV program.

Afterwards, I asked her #1, would she continue to wash clothes (I'm getting low on T-Shirts, and I wanted to make sure she continued), she said yes, of course.

#2, I asked her what was her plan for her, and she said not real sure, but we'll need to talk about budget for when she moves out. We had talked about this a bit, and she' not real interested in renting right now, she wants to buy a house, which I think is an awful idea for many reasons (least of which deals with our possible reconciliation), but anyway. That's probably a bit a way I think (hope).

#3, Finally, I said, I just want to say one thing, the thing that really hurts me is you aren't willing to fight for our marriage. She gives me some crap about "didn't I tell you I wasn't happy about you playing on your computer" (she did, many years ago, before son, we got past it) "didn't I tell you a I wasn't real happy about our sex life" (she did, many years ago before our son). She says I had my chances.

I said, BS, what you should have done is, for those months before this that you were so unhappy, told me "H, I'm very unhappy, I can't live like this much longer. If you don't change A and B, I don't think I can continue to be married to you."

She just looked at me for a bit then said, "Well, you can lay the blame for that on me, that's fine." I just shrugged and left, and came down to tell my story here.

My guess is the Affair is the driving force behind her acting like this, I just need to re-iterate that to me. God it hurts to think about...

Tomorrow, our son is staying with my Mom (she loves to keep him), and W and I will be alone. If she asks me about going out to dinner, just us 2 (a possibility), would it be bad to go? My non-DB-reading self would go, but I think it might be better not to, and try and secure something with a friend instead. How to turn her down if she does ask?

As always, I really appreciate you guys taking your time to read my story and offer advice to a stranger, it means a lot.

Hi "Nutz"
Your W sounds very conflicted. If she asks you to dinner, go, and be your best positive self. NO R TALK!!! If she doesn't ask you, don't pursue. You still have chances to show her your changes: GALing, handsomeness, manly cool guyness. She's resentful of a lot of stuff, let it go for now. Show her the new YOU.
As you may discover, this will irritate her (why now, after I said I was leaving, etc.) that is okay. It shows she is noticing. Keep on keeping on with your changes. And don't tell her about them! Just do them.

Nutts, sorry you're here bud. You'll find that your situation is not unique, but know that you are also not alone. There's some comfort to be had in both of those statements, as weird as that sounds.

My situation is similar to yours. You need to steel yourself, bc if the PA is driving her behavior it'll get worse and more painful for you. You need to start focusing on you, even more than you already have. Exercise and sleep are your best friends. You'll be at your weakest when your body isn't active and you are tired. That's when you get the larger emotional swings and you don't want that.

We are here for you bud. Keep your level head and be strong. Keep posting and you'll get some good advice.

Guys, thanks for the responses, and, while it's sad knowing we're all having to deal with this, it is somewhat comforting at the same time.



FWIW, it can't be a PA right now, the guy lives many states away, but they contact via IM and probably phone calls too. I don't know the long term plan she might have with the guy though, or if he'll be travelling here any time soon, etc.

Either way, yes, exercise and sleep is good idea. Last night I got a great night's sleep, and I'm going to bed now, hoping it happens again.

If he's married with 4 kids then expose the affair and that will nip it in the bud. He's just working your wife for something on the side. He's not going to leave his wife regardless of what he tells your wife. Those are just lies to get in her pants. It cracks me up how easily women fall for those lies. Maybe deep down they know they're being lied to but they're willing to trade sex for companionship because all these stories have the same beginning. A husband that got complacent in the marriage and a lonely wife. That part is on you but the cheating is on her.

DON'T BE PASSIVE ABOUT IT. Women DO NOT respect doormats. Don't bother with MC. You can't work on a marriage if it has more than 2 people in it and yours certainly does. First thing is address the affair. If she doesn't know you know then get screenshots of FB convo's, or whatever you need to do.

I may try and do this. As I mentioned before, I haven't told her I know, and OM lives far away. I can probably contact the OM's wife via facebook and try and tell her that way, but I don't know either of them at all. I'm a little nervous doing it, but I guess that comes with the territory.

After I contact the OM's W, I'll confront my W. I'm not sure how to approach it though, since I can't really set boundary's since she isn't trying to repair our R, and probably wouldn't care about any boundary's I set, so maybe I'll tell her I know, and just go from there.

Thanks all.

While I agree with this statement, often these situations begin because the H got complacent...

I simply cannot endorse the idea of exposing the affair. All it will do is cause more drama and heartache in the end.

All you can do is worry about your own side of the street.

There are many ways that you can show her you are a not a doormat without bullying her into submission.

It sounds to me, from your description, that your W felt very alone within the confines of your M.

The fact that you have recently revealed the porn addiction to her simply reinforces her feelings of aloneness.

You would have rather participated in fantasy sex than in real sex with a real woman.

I understand that you have changed that behavior however I am wondering if you understand what caused it (as well as the true impact it had on her) so that you can ensure it will not be a future problem.

Keep posting here. You will get much support.

Nutts,

The idea of exposing the A is a very disagreed step on this site. Many people stand on each side of the fence on that subject, so you just need to think it through.

In your circumstance, I think I agree with Tx in that I would expose it, here's why:
1. He lives far, so the likelihood of them both moving out and moving in together is unlikely (but you never know, 1/2hr extra commute to work for each if the move in middle).

2. The Liklihood of them seeing each other frequently and building the R is small (but you gotta remember that if they know both spouses know they may feel they don't need to hide it anymore, and she may walk out the door and tell you I'm going to meet OM, I'll see you tomorrow).

3. Your not exposing it to family or people in both of your lives, so it won't likely make it harder to piece your M back together if she decides to choose you.

The thing with exposing is that they will both be having tough times at home with their spouses, which may push them towards each other. Your hoping he will choose his W and kids over your W, but remember, he is Wayward too, so he may not choose to stay with kids.