Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Cherry. Filed, moving, spinning..

Thanks phoebe for swinging by- you do amazingly! Give yourself some credit girl!

That's interesting surfer. I'm quite good at not mood matching, I've gotten good at just ignoring them. Usually because I haven't even seen him and he will be different another day. But that's good to learn that it's part of the detachment process. I can sense the reason he has been moody with me all day long is to do with the message. Never mind.

Just a gut feeling, there's a lot of us here who have spouses whose behavior can be explained by some sort of inner conflict that they truly can't escape until they get through it, but I just don't get the feeling your husband is one of them. He knows what he is doing and it is what he wants to do. You are young, and not married for long, and you maybe married before you were fully mature, and he just has realized this isn't what he wants in his life. Not being a real man, but maybe he isn't one. If he started bolting from you before you had even been married 3 years, he needs to either wake up now or somewhere down the line it will end regardless. I always believe in fighting for your marriage but you need to make it clear to him on what terms you expect it to continue, because he is simply being unfair and disrespectful toward you now.

2lady, I get what you are saying. And none of us truly have a crystal ball to know what will happen down the line. We have both been through a lot in our life's before we had met that forced us to grow up quick, so we were for sure not to naive to understand what we were doing. I don't believe that he knows what he is doing. There has been many talks where he has told both me and his mom that he thinks he will regret this, but he needs to go and learn. He has a history of depression due to things he saw growing up. When he met me he told me how I b the past he made attempts to take his life, one time he ended up in hospital because of this. But when we were in that lovely honeymoon period, he told me he no longer felt depressed. Fast forward a few years, and add life changes on there, him striving to do better at work so he can provide more for the family, promotions and more responsibilities without the pay increase, children. It seems everything is getting too much for him, and the way he sees a way out is to run. He told me not long ago that he felt like he just wanted to leave, even leave the country and go someplace where no one knows him. I don't know much about what is truly going on with him, but I know it is more than me and him, it isn't all about the m. Though that is something he does have a choice to change, like moving out, that's a choice he has to change. I'm not expecting him to go and have an epiphany, maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. Maybe it would and I'd decide that I no longer want him. But that will be a choice I make. I don't think I can reside in the thought that this end would be inevitable one way or another. We fought to start this r, although both of the same religion, we are not of the same culture. And he is of a culture where it is quite frowned upon and does not happen that often that they choose a partner who is outside the norm.

I don't have the choice right now to say on what terms I would expect it to continue, as we aren't there, we may never be. But rest assured IF that was to happen. I would.

He is also a very confused individual regarding his own feelings. I've had plenty of I love you, then ilybinilwy, then I love you, and back to ilybinilwy. And he still is yet to tell me anything about me he's not happy about. Even when spewing he tells me how I'm a good wife, good mother, he's physically attracted to me, yada yada. And the boundaries I laid to him have been ones to protect me during his conflicted time. I don't think we can put it down to he knows exactly what he is doing, because without making excuses for him- I really don't think he knows.

He does sound very lost. I make dua every day that Allah swt either paves the way for you or brings you something even better. You can't control his behavior but you can make yourself strong and powerful. You've laid out your boundaries and you stand firm, be a light house, it's up to him whether to move towards the shore or continue to let his emotions and confusion toss him about.

Keep surrounding yourself with your friends that wrap you in their love and light. Keep showing your S what a wonderful mother you are. Keep showing your co-workers what a diligent and dependable colleague you are.

You know him better than I do and I think you make some valid points. But I still think it has something to do with the stage of the marriage that you are at. In the beginning everything is new and rosy so that might have helped his depression and there is stage where you also have to adjust to one another but then eventually you adjust and settle in for the long haul and as a lot of people have happen in this forum, after many years of things going well suddenly something snaps. But it sounds like he reached the point where one normally adjusts and as you point out, he feels it might be too much for him. When you have a long history behind you at least you know from experience that somewhere deep inside is a person who is capable of handling your marriage and family life, even if they are going through a phase where they want to run away, at least there is something that they might go back to.

That's what makes your situation so difficult, because it sounds like you don't have a long history of living with him and the children and having stability. BD was only 8 months after your first child was born. Maybe he really can handle the situation if he sticks it out, but this is a man in a totally new situation and his first reaction seems to be that he doesn't believe he can. And that's the risk you face, you just don't know either because you don't have that history with him.

Thank you Sara, I really appreciate the duas. And regarding making me strong and powerful, that's all I have really. So far I can't see that much is working with him, he's too all over the place.

2lady, you are right on that. He hasn't really experienced much of S'S life as he has been on and off wayward the whole time, and he isn't capable of looking after S despite how much he says he loves him. I think he struggles with the responsibilities that come along with family life. And regarding the new baby, although he says he will be involved, it's as though he is in utter denial that I'm pregnant. Maybe this is to do with him having never had a father figure, idk.

I think for my own sanity I need to step away from him. I've got work today, so got to straighten up and put my happy face on. Interact with some real people. Strong and confident is key, and that's where I need to be at. When I'm stronger, that's when he seems to begin his temp checks, so getting my head together is the only thing I can do. Nothing else really works with this man, he's too lost in himself and purely focussed on himself and his own needs.

Cherry, please step away from him and go dim for the time being.

You and your little ones are the priorities now.

What used to bring your sexy back? What used to work with your H?

Bear that in mind and interact with h with confidence when you are up to it.

When you're not, go dim and still remain civil. Please remember your firm boundaries.

(((Cherry)))

I think the confidence and friendliness has worked before with him. He is obviously still being angry with me for the other days accusations of the ow.

He has been drawn back to me when I have appeared that I have it together. During the working week we are on opposite schedules so it's quite easy to avoid him some what. Going dim will be the technique for a while while I work on myself and push him out of the equation somewhat.

At some point I am going to need to approach him about his thoughts on how things are going to work with him seeing S, and how we will communicate this. I don't think he has any plans at all regarding this, but as he is leaving at the weekend this is going to need to be something I approach. I shall have a plan in place to propose. There's also a scan coming up that he says he wants to go to. So this will be something I will put towards him, the same way I have with any scan so far, it's up to him if he wants to be there or not. I don't have any expectations of him regarding this because he has shown his actions are not aligned with his words when he says "I will be there for you in this pregnancy". So far I've done it by myself, and if needed I have asked friends/family if I've felt I want someone there with me.

Meanwhile I need to think how I can best protect myself in this and of course S. He really isn't going to understand what he is going on, but I've managed so far amongst this crisis, wh hasn't looked after, or spent any time with S in months, so he is getting used to him never being around. But I still shower him with love and security, and for a toddler who doesn't and can't ask questions, I think the security and safety of his mama is all he can ask for.

I am writing a prescription, doctor's orders if you will:

One facial mask twice per week

One at-home mani-pedi

One nice looooong bath while chatting on the phone with a friend.

I've noticed you feel better and more spunkier when you do home spa treatment.