Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Cherry. Filed, moving, spinning..

Thank you all for coming in with the support! It is all so helpful and gives me food for thought. I like V's reference to a motorboat! That is for sure him, and he seems to be tugging me again.

Still not sure on what to do, when he told me originally that he was going to d me, his plan was to stay living here. I told him then that if he went through with a d I want him to leave. And I have continuously said to him, I don't want to give up on our m, but if he does, he goes. I don't feel comfort at all helping him pack, I want no part in it, but advance warning will be for sure good, as I don't want S to see. And imagine I will find that painful too.

I'm out today, again he came to me this morning, asked what was up with me as he was talking to S and I was busy. I said I'm fine. He asked were me and S going out, I just replied yes. He asked where, I just said for fresh air.

I've just pulled back a tad from giving up to much information.

Where I see wh has attempted to cake eat is when he kept telling me that he still finds me attractive and has urges towards me. I told him again that if he wants to d me, he can't still sleep with me. The last time we went through this and it was hell, we would have hot passionate sex, then get dressed and go our own separate ways. I couldn't sex him back and I felt cheap and used! The ex ow even sent me a screenshot where he said: "me and her (meaning me) just have really great sex". I don't understand why he even told ex ow that!

I guess I'll find my balance, this is truly truly hard. I understand the rapid need to detach from his waywardness and get a life, genuinely for myself.

Cherry

I know you are having a really tough time at the moment. It's just a wobble. It's not the future.

It's hard to know what they are doing when they do this. My WW was really nice today again texting etc. Sounds like he might be temp checking you a bit. If that is the case it's because there are some feelings there. Perhaps he feels the need to control you. I think you are right stay distant, mysterious and when you are feeling a little better add some of that sexyness in there. He obviously has feelings for you. Honestly my W only needs to smile at me and inside I'm like a puppy dog jumping up at the window. Outside of course I am a rather disinterested guide dog. Kind, pleasant but not at all excited.

I don't know why he would show you that screenshot. Perhaps in some way he was trying to say he is still flattering about you to her or perhaps he was trying to show you he found you attractive. Was he drunk or high or something? IDK personally I think it is incredibly unsophisticated, insensitive and heartbreakingly mean thing to do and you stand so tall in my opinion for being able to deal with that.

You are definately right to tell him there will be no intimacy. Particularly if he confuses sex with love. His sex life with any future women will go cool. Possibly cold. He will come a calling again I imagine - as he will miss 'love'. But you will know what to do then.

You are right about the motorboat. I liked the reference to fear and the dog too!

Don't forget when in pain, we shouldn't wallow in the past because we won't find solutions there. I know you its so hard but try to keep an optimistic view on your future with your lovely family. There really are lots of lovely times ahead for you. Today might be a down day, you might have a down week. But it won't last.

Surfer.

He frequently seems to ask me where I'm going or what I am doing. He seems to like to keep tabs on me, I don't know how he will manage that when he no longer lives here, or maybe he is just damn nosey. Don't worry, I've managed to inject a little sexy in there, I'd just got out the shower when he got home, I made sure I bought the short vs nightie on, I actually looked in the mirror and thought my pregnant body is pretty sexy. So far I'm all bump at the front, i always have hips and a bootie, but my waist is still tiny and my boobs are huge. I looked in the mirror and thought, you know my body is doing something amazing. I'm a real woman. Not some silly skanky child- a woman.

It was the ex ow that sent it to me, lord knows why he said it, or she thought she would send it. He doesn't drink or take drugs (or at least he never has).

He has told me he seems to mistake limerance with love and feels he has a problem where he just wants more love and sees any female interest as love. I suspect if he doesn't learn to deal with this and seek help, he is doomed to spend a lonely life looking for more and more.

Thank you so much for the support and lovely kind words. You are right, the past is the past and there's no solutions there.

Today I have felt slightly more with it than the last few days. I was really vomitty this morning (sexy I know). And I felt like hiding in bed. I didn't. I got up, put some make up on, fixed my hair and put on some nice clothes. I walked through the house looking confident and happy, he followed me into my room to quiz me a little. Maybe it was a temp check as I've ditched the sad eyes I've had the last few days. Had a nice day with S, gave him plenty of exercise so we should both sleep tonight. Looked at some cute baby things. It seems so surreal, a pregnancy journey with a partner and then on your own is rather different. Still joyous, but with a slight sting and the occasional bit of fear of how you're going to do this all alone. I know when I get that baby in my arms, that is all I will think about.

This is where an in home separation is beyond Sh!t. I've struggled mid puking to give s something to eat, bath, bed. All while wh listens to music in his room, sappy love songs about how in love people are, true love, I'll do anything for you bla bla. He walked by texting smiling. Then spent an age in the bathroom tarting himself up. Rage hit me like a bull. I sent him a message without stopping for a second. Basically saying not to take me for a fool, I know that there is someone else.

Now, I feel that hmm I shouldn't have done that. Because I've no doubt now the SH!t will hit the fan. I'm not sure I even care. If he's any sense he will stay away from me.

What difference does it make if he pays attention to you and/or thinks you are sexy? He is still actively lying, cheating, and trying to D you. I don't get it and it makes me terribly sad for you. I am waiting for the strong and confident Cherry to say enough is enough and realize that she deserves better than focusing on him.

I appreciate that other posters want to shower you with complements and encouragement, but I can't see how any of that is helping you feel better and move forward. The idea in DB is to detach, be a lighthouse, assess what gets results, and IF you get positive results then to continue. I have read all of your posts and have not seen how any of this is working. He continues to hurt you and you continue to focus on him. Same loop.

So again, I am perfectly okay with not being popular with other posters because I am being honest and I am thinking about what I believe is best for you. If I only posted "Atta girl, Cherry! You are amazing! He is a fool!" Well then I would be doing you an incredible disservice. We already know this to be true, but what help is it to you? It only villainies him, victimizes you, and then we are perpetuating the cycle.

I had a friend many years ago that made a decision that would be hard on her and her family. She had already done it once and it didn't work in her favor. When she did it the second time, I told her I was concerned for her and was she sure it was a good idea. I was polite about it and genuinely concerned. She was embarrassed and defensive and went off on me and hung up. And guess what? She went ahead and did it with the same results. She never apologized and we are no longer friends. I am perfectly okay with that because I want openness and honesty in all of my Rs.

So, again, sweet Cherry. We know you are sexy and wonderful and he is making a terrible mistake. But he is still doing it and continues to. How can we help you get stronger, more confident, and prepare for a life without him? SH gave you some HW awhile back and I too was hoping you would do it.

-Blu

I get that, and I do appreciate your honesty and consider other routes I could take.

In a very vain way I guess, I sort of get a kick of how he kinda squirms when he sees me looking good. So long as I match it with the look what you're loosing.

I truly don't entirely know what a life without him will be like, I'm preparing for it, I've plans that I'll spring into action once he is gone. Wrt my strength and confidence, I'm not too sure. I know I need to dig closer into me and figure out how can I do this. I took on more work doing some public speaking a chairing meetings/presentations because I know that scares the SH!t outta me. And through doing this I'm learning skills of being able to face people and stop me being timid and hiding away. The strengrh I guess will come along with more GAL. I could also do with getting more rest and taking care of myself, which includes more sleep. I've also joined a new pregnancy exercise class at the pool, I feel this is going to help me as I'm doing more things for me and picking up new hobbies and meeting new people.

In a way, although possibly rather stupid, I'm kinda glad I got that message out to him that I know about him and ow. I know it won't change what he's doing. But at least I've got it out to him that I'm not a dumb fool. If he comes to me to discuss this, he will get treated to my enough is enough attitude. I don't want to come across like an idiot hanging to his word whilst he actively is involved with ow.

Hey Cherry, you've held back for such a long time so one little text message calling him out on the OW won't hurt in the scheme of things.

You say that you don't know what life will be like without him but can you honestly say that he has been taking an active role in your marriage for the last few months? From what I gather he has hardly been there in spirit let alone body so I think your going to do just fine. I think the question I would be asking is how is he going to cope with out you!

Cherry, I don't know how you do it, but you're WAY stronger than I could ever be. I would be a bumbling mess.

Good for you.

Thank you guys means a lot

Coly, you're right. Not much is going to be different in that sense. I have single parented for the last few months, he has spent zero time with S. He hasn't contributed financially in the household in the last couple months, nor does he ever cook/wash dishes/do any housework. So perhaps in a way, I will feel sad that my m is officially over. But then in another sense, he will no longer be there to spark any anger or disappointment. He also won't be just coming and going so I won't have that thought.

I am possibly getting a bit obsessive, but I'm thinking of some renovations/redecorations to the house. If I am to stay here, I do not want to have memories all over the place. There's a few pictures, mainly wedding around the home, I'm thinking it's time to take those down.

I don't like seeing that last date on your sitch RDS because it's my birthday... :0(