roist thank you for the thoughts. The 2 weeks was at the advisement of my L. She wanted 6-8 weeks af vacation time as she is a school teacher, but I don't get that much vacation time from my job. L advised it is best to make 2 weeks legal, and as we can learn to co parent we have the right and option to go above that. He advised because of the hostility and her efforts to take advantage of the vacation and holiday schedule, that fair was the best legal thing to agree to. My L is very pro children and mature healthy co parenting. His focus is keeping that balanced without letting the parents make everything a fight.
So it makes sense and right now, she is pushing limits with a lot of it. She is angry when I make arraignments on my days for care if I have work but if the arraignment is with her, she seems to find ways to tell me last minute that I need other arrangements. Feels kind of a game, but I am doing my best to pay it no mind and respond as needed to care for my D6.
So as much as I want the time with D6, I know how much she wants to visit her grandparents, and it can save me days off so that when I take vacation, I can spend it with her... and it does minimize the potential argument for the winter break.
My mind really wants a right or wrong answer here, and I know my challenge is that the mind is creating scenarios that she will dam me if I do and dam me if I don't...but that is simply in my mind...Do what is right for me...and d6. Right?
I just need to be decisive here.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
This past weekend d6 made some comments that I believe were slips as she is trying to process this sitch and it was uncomfortable and saddening.
When we were at movie night, d6 called her sister mom on a couple of occasions and then caught herself. Saturday we were driving to breakfast and a good song was on that I started dancing to (as you do when in the car), and then d18 joined in. D6 said, you guys look like you are married...stop dancing.
Sunday before heading to church, d6 says, "Daddy, 'Suzy's' mommy is D'd and she stays at her daddies house sometimes like I do."
UGH!!! She is processing it as well as can be expected, but the confusion is slipping. She struggles to describe the homes. She can't decide if they are mommies home and daddies home, or her hope or what.... Dang it...she will be al right. I will ensure that she feels loved and cared for.
D18 and I have really been trying to establish our, I don't know what you call it, but she is striking out on her own and feels pulled back by me and her mother. I am trying to find a balance as she uses me as her sounding board and I try to just listen, and then she demands I speak up, and then I speak, and she gets frustrated at what I say...Oh goodness. She really needs a female role model and perspective right now if ever. What do I do?
Well, I keep trying to learn how to best support her and provide what she needs. I learn from my mistakes, and then I try again. And I love the heck out of both of them no matter what.
That is what I do.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am making a challenging decision to pull back here in the forums as well as out here IRL...
I have thrown myself into trying to help others and share all that I am trying an learning... This is a comfort zone and has set me up so that I do not have to face my own challenges, fears, demons and darkness.
They're all creeping in on me and I can feel them advancing more each day. The numbness that is taking over is making most of my efforts feel hollow and going through the motions. I have basically faked it...to the point that old, bad, familiar and comfortable habits are returning, as well as some new ones that can not be part of what I am trying to do.
Growth will not come from feeling comfortable... Growth will not come from doing the same things and hoping for different outcomes.
But first, I really need to ensure that my wounds and injuries have been treated and heal properly... An injured superhero is a liability to not only him/herself, but also to those that he/she is trying to help out...
The Wolverine in me must set out on a journey to heal, put together the history that is important to know and to retreat within to fight back the darkness, the demons, the doubt and the committee that is trying to convince me of things that do not add up to who I want to be, and what I know I should be. I need to charge my higher power, as well as rely on a higher power to help me see light inside, feel strength in my soul, and maintain the peace in my head.
I will not be as visible in the streets of DB town, but I will be in the shadows watching over those that can use support from my prayers, those that knock at the door of my hideout that is my thread/story, and in the case that the authorities are not around to help, I will lend my self until which time others can support.
As in the stories of the heroes I have read on, my inner conflict has gotten in the way of the good I wish to provide, and eluded my ability to serve as I would like to...
Please do not hesitate to send up a Bat signal if I can help...
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
In my darkest hours after the BD, I was on the brink of nothingness... The pain was intense, like no physical pain that I have ever felt. The desire for someone, or something to simply snuff out my breath was a very real and piercing desire in the days that dragged on. Sleep was elusive. It was haunted and dark. The days passed as nothing more than shadows of a routine that had gone on far to long. Memories were short, but the drama was intense. Focus of thought felt a mere impossibility...The images of a failure crossed the highways of the mind at extreme speeds hour after hour.
My daughter was desperate to help me, although suffering her own sense of darkness and hopelessness. She sent texts with thoughts of hope, she would call to ensure my voice could be heard and she share lyrics of songs that brought her hope. She sent me one song that grabbed my attention from the dark mist...it injected some strength to get to the next hour. It tugged at the strings of my heart...it is the song that I played over and over to hear each word...digest each point...I watched the video to visualize the message it shared with me...it was the beginning of the creation of what some have called a Super Hero...
Originally Posted By: The Script ~Super Hero
The Script- Super Hero
All her life she has seen All the meanest side me They took away the prophet's dream For a profit on the street
Now she's stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow
All his life he's been told He'll be nothing when he's old All the kicks and all the blows He won't ever let it show
'Cause he's stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That's how a superhero learns to fly (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That's how a superhero learns to fly (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
Oh-oh, oh, oh Oh-oh, oh, oh
All the hurt, all the lies All the tears that they cry When the moment is just right You'll see fire in their eyes 'Cause he's stronger than you know A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That's how a superhero learns to fly (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That's how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power (power, power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power) Every day, every hour turn that pain into power (Power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power) Every day, every hour turn that pain into power
She's got lions in her heart A fire in her soul he's a got a beast In his belly that's so hard to control Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
She's got lions in her heart A fire in her soul he's a got a beast In his belly that's so hard to control Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That's a how a superhero learns to fly (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life You've been working every day and night That's a how a superhero learns to fly Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power (power, power, power, power, power)
Oh, yes (power, power, power, power) Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power (Power, power, power, power) Ooh, yeah Whoa (power, power, power, power) (Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've been fighting for it all your life You've been struggling to make things right That's how a superhero learns to fly
Jump to the present, A few days ago, my D was sharing with me her top 3 favorite songs... Super Hero was her favorite... I said, that is my favorite as it spoke to me when you shared it with me the first time...The father in the song gave me strength... She replied , I like it because of the other person in the video... I replied that I really connect with the father character, she said, yes dad, and I connect with the other person...she points to herself and smiles at me. I choke up a bit at this.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Currently the darkness inside is creeping up...it is not taking over, nor does it have a strangle hold, but it is sensed on the fringes. I remain vigilant and on alert so as to not let it in without my full attention and fight... But i need to be able to heal while remaining vigilant...also there is training and gathering a team that is needed.
Music was always a love of mine. It disappeared during my MR...not sure why, but it did. My brother encouraged much to use it to heal...He shared a very dark time in his life and how it helped him...D18 encouraged much the same... I have found value in it...music taste varies as I like music with a message... This is strengthening at times, it heals me at others...it helps me reflect...and feel... when a song with the message and lyrics match that which is in my soul...
This song I have heard many a times, and even thought it was weird song...the lyrics never connected for me, until this past week...I then watched the video and it is haunting...yet, there is a power in it that has allowed me to see a shape to the darkness that is trying to creep in...
Quote:
Shawn Mendes Stitches
I thought that I've been hurt before But no one's ever left me quite this sore Your words cut deeper than a knife Now I need someone to breathe me back to life
Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking falling onto my knees And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches I'm tripping over myself I'm aching begging you to come help And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches
Just like a moth drawn to a flame Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain Your bitter heart cold to the touch Now I'm gonna reap what I sew I'm left seeing red on my own
Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking falling onto my knees And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches I'm tripping over myself I'm aching begging you to come help And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches
Needle and the thread Gotta get you out of my head Needle and the thread Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread Gotta get you out of my head Needle and the thread Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread Gotta get you out of my head Needle and the thread Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread Gotta get you out of my head get you out of my head
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking falling onto my knees And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches I'm tripping over myself I'm aching begging you to come help And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches And now that I'm without your kisses I'll be needing stitches
This really is what the fight inside looks and feels like for me now...
But, to those following this story, do not fret nor despair... It is in the struggle, growth and progress can happen. it nourishes the strength to fight another day, and prevail in the end...
“Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed. It is all part of the fairy tale.”~ Peter S. Beagle
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Does this mean that I won't be hearing from you, SH? That's kind of sad, but you have to do what's best for you. Keep up the journaling, though. We both know the value it can bring to our thought processes.
(((((SH)))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Today has been a good day... D18 was in the news for a service project that she is doing to collect shoes to gove to folks in need across the world...
And to top it off, when I saw the piece, it started out by saying, not everyone thinks like D18's dad....
Say whaa....?
Then it cuts to D18 who shares the story about how she got started with this project because I encouraged her not to toss out her used shoes, but to gather them to give to someone that may need them...
I had forgotten of this....and it never hit me that is why she started this project sometime after that interaction.
Talk about a choked up and proud papa!!!
This girl! I tell you is from some magical, heavenly place and I am the luckiest man on the planet to have been chosen to be her father... She is so strong and so focused, that....I don't even know what to say now... Goodness how I love the sweet angel.
And too top off my day, d6 is with me and oh the joy and happiness that comes into the room with her.
I am just gushing like a...a...Heck I don't even know like a what!?!?
But I will wrap this up and do so by signing off tonight as the proudest, luckiest, oh so happy father of the day!!! (my face is starting to hurt from the perma grin...)
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
What a wonderful story, SH. You have every reason to be proud, both of her and of yourself for raising such a great kid. You are both lucky - you have each other!
I am so glad to know that you had a really good day. Maybe it will be contagious.
((((((((Silver Heart))))))))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
This is where the thumbs up I like option would be used!!!!
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
