I completely agree that I have MAJOR codependency issues. I didn't know this until all of this unfolded. Do you have any suggestions for a book on this?
Even just yesterday she was only gone for about 5 hours, and I found myself basically just thinking about when she would be home. I mean I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything except think about when she would be home. Then I couldn't help thinking about the fact that in just a few short days, she won't be coming home. I am just absolutely devastated. I don't know how the heck to pull myself out of it. I appreciate you mentioning the positives, but I just can't stop feeling this way.
lostasf,
I'm sorry you feel so badly. I was distraught before my wife moved out. I actually pushed her to move out earlier than planned (kind of a 180), but I still dreaded the move-out day. I was anticipating being sad for weeks.
However, I don't know if my experience was unique, but what happened was that I realized that everything was suddenly calm and serene. I was finally able to get stuff done around the house. I did tons of home improvement projects. I kept taking bigger risks, like tearing out the sliding glass doors and building carriage doors to replace them. It was a time of wonderful creativity and productivity for me. In fact, history books will refer to that period as "doodler's renaissance of Tuscan architectural elements with a Cambrian explosion of artistic creativity and prodigious productivity unparalleled in the history of human beings." Or something like that.
So, what I'm saying is, you may find that life after move-out day ain't so bad after all.
Also, what is the general opinion here about exposing the affair/"friendship"? I have been reading on another very popular forum that exposure is a must. I am not sure how I feel about that. To me it seems a bit counter-intuitive to basically make her out to be the bad guy to all of the family and friends. At the same time, I don't have any PROOF that it is an "affair", and not just a "friendship".
I would not expose the A to anyone that does not need to know. That will only incite anger in your W and will work against you. I know you want to do it because it will make you feel better but it will work against you. If OM is M and you have indisputable proof of the A, you could consider exposing it to OM's W but there is risk with that too. Most will advise that the person that does the exposing is likely to loose all chance of reconciling because it will infuriate your S.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
That's how I felt about it, but they are absolutely adament that it must be done.
Also, in my case where I was emotionally disconnected for so long, it seems that "going dark" would be "more of the same". Is that not the way you guys would see it? Obviously I won't have a choice but to detach once she moves out, but the going dark thing kinda confuses me.
No, you have to go dark and work on you. I was also emotionally detached for a long time. It does seem counter intuitive but if you suddenly become emotionally available, it will be seen as too little, too late as long as she is still in an A. Nothing matters until she makes a decision to end the A. In the meantime, you must be working on YOU. If you truly work on making yourself a better person, she WILL see the difference the next time you have an encounter. Going dark doesn't mean that you will never see her or speak to her again. You certainly will and when you do see her again, she needs to be thinking "Who the hell is this guy?"
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Also, detaching has nothing to do with her moving out. You can certainly remain attached even with her moved out. Detaching is about not letting her actions/words affect you emotionally. If a stranger that lives down the street has an affair, does that affect you emotionally? Of course not. That's where you need to get with your W. You do that by turning all of your focus inwards and put all your energy on you and your issues. You can't do anything about your W's issues. Those are for her to work out. Detaching is one of the most difficult things you will have to do but its imperative that you find a way to get there.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
So, tonight has been really crappy. She came home and I was on computer. I said how was your day, she said busy. I told her that I have found a new IC (because she asked me about it this weekend). She said OK. She went in bathroom and texted OM for about a half our, then came out and said "I just can't do this! I am going out for a while". I texted her when she left: Me: This is ridicuous Her: I just can't do this Me: Ok, I don't know what to do for you. Her: Just let me go Me: Come home Her I really can't Me: Ok, then have fun. You want me to let you go? What does that even mean......nevermind, I won't discuss it via text. If you want to be an adult and talk you can come home. Her: I really just can't. I am truly at my emotional end. Me: Ok, sorry you feel that way.
