Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H filed for divorce - is it too late?

Hey c, I think your last post is spot on. You're handling things well. Upbeat, but casual and with no expectations. Perfect.

Dr. Joy Browne frequently referred to just acting 'cheerful and stupid' in different situations. This is such good advice. Just be happy, and oblivious to inconsistencies about him talking like you are together when you're not, or if he says something one day and doesn't follow through the next, none of that registers. You're just happy and don't see an issue. Perfect.

PS- I wish others would post on your thread. I didn't really get why until I realized you haven't been posting much on others' threads. Usually when you post replies to other people they'll read up on you and some will start following you. I'm sick of hearing my own voice but wanted to give you a shout out!

Oh, okay. I just don't really know what to say to other people since I'm so new here myself but thanks for the advice. I was wondering why nobody was really posting on my thread too.

It's been really hard lately, since I've stopped getting the tiny bits of affection and mixed signals from him. I feel like we took a step backwards somehow.

About to have my second phone session with DB coach!! Hoping it goes as well as the first one, that I can get some reassurance that all is not lost and some good advice on where to go from here.

Good luck with phone session DB!

Just a note to say "hi" or a "you're doing great!" will brighten a person's day. Some of us don't need extra advice, we just need to know that somebody is out there and cares.

BTW - "hi" - I haven't read up on your situation other than your first post but I hope everything works out for you. You've got a lot going for you. Have you read the 5 Love Languages?

Hi Andrew! Thanks for posting, I will try to just pop in to say hi to more people. I haven't read it, but I'm a little familiar. I know physical touch is a big one for my H, and quality time is important to me.

Hi csabo,

Sorry you are here. You seem to be handling yourself very well. Just peaked at your sitch. I wanted to ask about your expectations for having a friendship with H? Is that only in hopes of reconciling the M? If he continues to pursue women and then starts talking about it, is this a friendship you can handle? Or want?

It just sounds terribly painful. I am years down the road from you (my H has been back for 1 1/2 years) but I know that I could not have handled friendship. I was so angry and hurt for what was happening that is felt fake to me to be friends. Secondly, the times I was friendly with him it seemed he was cake eating--he went off and did what he wanted and then continued to benefit from family time.

Our sitches our different I know. I just want you to stay true to your heart. It is perfectly okay to take a step back and focus on you. If he asks you why, you can even tell him you don't want a friendship right now, you married him for a marriage. Look he is trying to divorce you, it's okay to be hurt and angry. In my sitch it wasnt until H moved out and experienced the loss of me that he realized what a mistake it was!

Blu

Hi Blu, thanks for the advice.

For now, being friends is to try to have positive interactions with him to reconcile. No, I don't think I could handle him with other women if/when that time comes.

That's what I was wondering about maybe having him or me move out, it seems like now he gets a wife at home to care for the house work and pets but still gets to live like a single frat boy again. It isn't fair, and he isn't appreciating me or missing me. He wants to live in our house with me for the next 2 years while he's in grad school. Just feels like hes taking advantage of me this way.

I'm sure he felt it wasn't fair you got to live the married life while he was in a dark depression from feeling neglected, diminished, and misunderstood. I'm sure he felt quite taken advantage of. If you are going to keep score or use this as a reason to ask him to leave, I don't see how you are doing anything different than he did when he felt this way and decided to walk.

This is your marriage. Marriages that last 50 years have difficulty in them. You'll need to lose the score card and the idea of a quick fix. Doesn't mean you have no boundaries, but this idea of asking him to leave has got to go. What did DB Coach say about throwing him out? They couldn't be behind this, right?

My DB Coach told me that while my lack of voice wasn't a model for how a future relationship may work, and that clearly there would be a time for me to voice my feelings and needs, during this crisis wasn't the time.

How are your 180s coming along? Anything you're doing to make H feel like he could be fulfilled in a marriage with you?

(((csabo))) This is so hard. Do you have a support system in place right now? Do you have a IC or friends and family to help you through this?

This is your life and your M, so you need to think about what is comfortable for you. If your only goal of friendship is to win him back, and that doesn't work, then what will this "friendship" look like? Something to really think about.

I don't think most women would want to live with their H as a roommate while he is off pursing other women and actively cheating. Then he comes home and has the benefit of hanging out with W, a home, perhaps her cooking, cleaning, and paying bills? And you will support him for 2 years in grad school while he is acting like a single man but still married to you? Are you okay with that?

Keep in mind that when you come here, you are going to get different opinions and advice. We have all had different things work and not work in our own sitches, but ultimately if has to feel right to you. There is another poster here who got advice from her DB coach to have more of a friendship with her H, and it created too much pain and anxiety for her as he had just picked up and left her and her daughter. It only took a week for her to realize how hard that would be.

Perhaps your DB coach knows things that we do not. What else can you share with us? Perhaps the goals with a WAH are different than a WH? I am no expert but I do know as a woman who had an H that DID come back, he had to move out and experience life without me to see what he was losing. I believe that women need to be strong and draw firm boundaries to she H that we deserve respect if they want to be or live with us. There was no way that I could handle H living with me while he was with or pursuing OW. As soon as that was his reality, and he wasn't committed to me, he was out.

So please, please think about what is comfortable for YOU! Hopefully a vet can chime in so you can get some better perspectives.

Blu